147 Days
by 741N73D 4N63L
Summary: My heart is in my throat, "Jenny, you're scaring me..." Jennifer, hiccupping softly says, "She's gone Kitty Cat. Emily is gone..." What happens to Emily Prentiss' family after Ian Doyle murders her? Will they stick together or drift apart? Post Lauren.
1. In the Middle of the Night

**WARNING**, this prologue is a little over the top. I happen to think that JJ would be much better at acting distraught over the phone than in person. JJ was rather detached when she told the team and I believe that it would be easier for JJ to lie to Catherine if she can't see her face, so in this chapter you're going to see a sleepy, confused and emotional Catherine and a very good at faking, almost hysterical JJ. If JJ were not visibly upset, Catherine would know that something was wrong with what JJ was telling her.

**IMPORTANT**, the conversation mentioned in _If You Survive_ between Emily and JJ, where Emily tells JJ about Jessie will be included in this story. It won't be for quite a while though.

AN: Just for reference, _Black Cat_ takes place at the end of November 2010. _147 Days_ takes place just over three months later.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

**One Hundred and Forty-Seven Days**

**By: 741N73D 4N63L**

**AKA: C47**

* * *

The satirist shoots to kill

while the humorist

brings his prey back alive

and eventually releases him

again for another chance.

- Peter De Vries

* * *

**Catherine's Prologue: In the Middle of the Night**

* * *

I just think that some things are meant to be broken.

Imperfect. Chaotic.

It's the universe's way of providing contrast, you know?

There have to be a few holes in the road. It's how life is.

- Sarah Dessen

* * *

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

I wake up and roll over in bed. _What woke me up? Is Henry crying again? No, it's not Henry, just the phone ringing. Wait, why is the phone ringing?_ I pick up the phone that is lying on my bedside table, "Hello?" I say, blinking sleepily and trying desperately to clear my head.

There is a watery "Kitty Cat..." on the other end.

I would recognize that voice anywhere; it's Jenny. _Why is Jenny calling me in the middle of the night?_ "Jenny?" I ask. My voice is muffled by my hand, which happens to be half covering the receiver.

Jen sniffles into the phone, "Sorry it's so late. Did I wake you up?"

_She's crying. Why is she crying? Jenny hardly ever cries,_ "Jenny? What's wrong? What happened? Why are you crying?"

"Kitty Cat, Emily..." she trails off.

I am instantly aware that something is horribly wrong and my words tumble out of my mouth, "What about Emily? Is she injured? Do you need me to stay with Jack and Henry longer while you're away looking for her?"

"Kitty Cat, slow down. Emily... She-." Jen breaks off sobbing quietly.

I wait a few minutes for my big sister to stop crying. My heart is in my throat, "Jenny, you're scaring me..." _Something unspeakable must have happened for Jenny to be reacting like this._

I can hear Jennifer hiccupping softly, "She's gone Kitty Cat. Emily is gone..."

My anger flares, "I don't believe you. She can't be dead. You said you were going to get her back! That's why I had to stay with Henry and Jack. That's why I took another week off school, because you were going to bring Emily home. You promised me Jenny when you made me stay home. You promised me that everything was going to be alright." I can hear my voice trembling, "You promised." _I can't believe her._ _My entire existence depends on Emily not being dead. I can not afford to lose anyone else. Okay, maybe not my entire existence but right now my ability to hold myself together is about to shatter if Jen tells me that this is not a nightmare, that this is real. I need Emily to come home; I need the team to come home, alive and whole._

I can hear Jenny sigh, "I'm sorry Kitty Cat, but she really is gone," and I know that as much as I wish it were not so, she is not lying.

"Fuck Jen! What the hell happened? How is the rest of the team? Derek, Penelope, Aaron, Dave? My god, what about Spencer? How are you? When are you coming home? When is Emily- when are you bringing her home?" _What am I going to do with Jack and Henry? How am I going to hold it together for them? What am I going to tell them? Do I need to tell them anything?_

"Catherine," Jen tries to get my attention, but I'm not listening. I'm still stuck half in my head and half in reality, which has just become a nightmare.

_A sobering thought comes to mind; Emily has another family, separate from the team,_ "The Ambassador. Has anyone called Emily's mother?"

"Catherine!" Jen says firmly.

"Yes Jenny?" I ask, trying to slow down my thought process, which is going a hundred miles a minute.

"Please slow down Kitty Cat. It has been a really rough day. I am beyond exhausted and I can't keep up with your speed talking," Jen sighs and I feel a little guilty.

I apologize instantly, "I'm sorry Jen."

"It's okay Kitty Cat," says Jen, "Ask your questions again, one at a time."

This is not a new thing, me talking so fast that no one really has a chance to answer any of my questions. I take a deep breath, shudder slightly and restart, "The team. How are Derek, Penelope, Aaron and Dave?"

I can hear the smile in her voice when she says, "That should count as four questions."

"Jennifer!" I exclaim, slightly annoyed, and then sigh in exasperation.

"Fine, fine," I can practically feel Jenny rolling her eyes at me. She sighs quietly; her hiccups have subsided, "The team is a mess Kitty Cat."

I feel sick to my stomach and my voice wavers when I ask the next question, "Spence?"

Jen's voice is small when she answers me, "He didn't get a chance to say good-bye. None of us did."

I don't need more than one word to convey all the emotions that I'm feeling to my sister, "You?" I ask my question as calmly as possibly, preparing myself for the worst.

Her response of, "I'm alright," comes far to quickly. It is a blatant lie.

I can feel my fury boiling just under my skin. It explodes, "Don't you dare lie to me Jennifer Louise Jareau!"

"Catherine..." Jenny's voice falls far short from the pertinacious tone she is obviously trying for, she just sounds tired.

I'm begging her both silently and aloud, "Don't Jenny please. I can't take anymore. Please tell me the truth. I need to hear it. I need to know how you are. I need you to-"

Jenny is sniffling again and my heart is breaking for her and the rest of the team.

I wish I were there with them I wish there was something that I could do to help, to make it better.

Jennifer whispers, "I'm not alright Kitty Cat, but I need to wait until I get home before I can really and truly break down. I have to get back to Spence, he needs me."

I feel a little bad, but I desperately need answers and I won't get them if I let Jenny hang up on me. I growl, "Jennifer Jareau don't you dare hang up on me until you have answered all my questions, or I will be on the next plane out to Boston with Jack and Henry in tow." This is not an idle threat. I have Henry and Jack's passports as well as letters from Jenny, Will and Aaron saying that I have permission to travel with their children.

Jenny is quick to respond to my threat, "There is no need to do that Catherine, and don't threaten me."

I'm exhausted and irritated, not a good combination, "Then answer the damn questions Jennifer. I'm not there with you; I'm stuck here with the babies. I need answers Jenny."

Jenny murmurs, "I don't have any answers for you."

"Fine!" I snap, dangerously close to losing it, "When are you coming home Jenny?"

My big sister sighs into her phone, "I don't know yet Catherine. Tomorrow I think or maybe later today."

I bite my lip nervously, "What about Emily? When are you bringing her home?"

Jen's tone is flat, "Arrangements are being made."

I frown in consternation, "You're not making the arrangements?"

"Aaron and I will talk about it in the morning," she says firmly.

"It is morning Jenny," I remind her quietly but insistently, after glancing at my alarm clock.

Jennifer sighs again, "Catherine three o'clock is not morning. We're all going to try and get some rest before we arrange anything."

I frown, "Jenny, did anyone call the Ambassador?"

"I believe Aaron called her," Jenny says, trying to get her voice back under her control.

I bite my lip before I ask, "How did she take it?"

Jenny sighs, "I don't know Catherine, I would imagine that she is devastated. She just lost her only child."

I blurt out before I can stop myself, "I don't think she liked Emily very much."

"Catherine that is a horrible thing to say!" I can hear the frown in Jenny's voice, "I thought I raised you better than that."

I try and defend myself, "Jenny, it's true! She was terribly rude when she called Emily on her birthday."

Jenny sighs tiredly before indulging me, "When did the Ambassador call on her birthday?"

"Two years ago," I say sheepishly.

Dismay colours Jen's voice, "Catherine you're basing this on one conversation you had with the Ambassador two years ago? That's not very realistic."

"Jennifer, she called on Emily's birthday to talk about some ball, not to wish her a happy birthday!" I say, still trying to defend myself. It's not working.

"Catherine!" I can hear the exasperation in Jenny's voice but I am resolute in my convictions.

"No Jenny," I say calmly, "It is not alright to give birth to a kid and not even wish them a happy birthday."

"She-" I can hear Jenny's exhaustion in that one word.

Something occurs to me and I latch on to it, cutting Jenny off, "Jenny, why won't you say Emily's name?"

Jen restarts, "Cath-"

I interrupt her again, "Jenny, don't lie, tell me the truth, please? I want to know."

She says in an undertone, "It hurts too much Kitty Cat."

That is a sentiment that I wholeheartedly agree with.

"Saying her name makes it real," whispers my big sister.

_Her words make me want to cry,_ "Oh Jenny." _I wish that I were there so that I could hug my sister and see the rest of the team. I want to see Emily so that I can say good-bye._

I wait in silence while Jenny stops crying and calms her breathing.

_I think I'm in shock, I haven't even cried yet. I so desperately want to, but I'm holding off until I can be alone. I know that I'm going to break down as soon as I get off the phone with Jen._

"Jenny, what happened to Emily?" I ask, trepidation filling my body and colouring my voice.

Jen gives me the standard response, "We were on a case and she was injured."

It infuriates me, "Bullshit. You haven't been part of the BAU for three months Jennifer. The team might have been on a case, but you went back to rescue Emily."

Jenny is adamant, "I can't tell you anything Kitty Cat. You need clearance."

_Oh how I hate that word, clearance. I vow to find a way around it. I have to know what happened to Emmy. _I snap, "Jen don't try-"

"Catherine stop. Please stop, I can't take anymore of this tonight," Jenny sounds like she's going to cry again.

_I wish I had kept my big mouth shut,_ "I'm sorry Jenny."

She says, "It's alright Kitty Cat."

_For a moment, I am grateful for Jenny's lie. I am an adult now and Jen is still trying to protect me from harsh truths,_ "I love you Jenny."

Her voice sounds stronger, "I love you too Kitty Cat. Good night my Faerie Princess. I'll see you when I get home."

"Good night Jenny," I whisper back.

I can't fall back asleep, so instead I get up and check on Jack and Henry. They are still sleeping peacefully, completely unaware that an amazing woman, an aunt to both of them, has passed away.

When I get back to my room, I am holding a silver candlestick and a new candle, a sea blue one. I don't remember getting either from the hutch downstairs. I set the candle and candlestick up on the little table under my window; the table is there specifically for this purpose. I am going to light three candles; one for Jessie, one for Emmy and one for whomever Emily lit her candle for. I don't want Emily to be alone, wherever she is.

I sit on the carpeted floor, looking up at the candles. I watch them flicker and burn out just as the sun rises. There is only one thought on my mind, _I will find out what happened to you Emmy and whoever killed you will pay, I promise._

* * *

It takes ten times as long

to put yourself back together

as it does to fall apart.

-Susanne Collins, Mockingjay

* * *

AN2: I feel that it is necessary to point out that JJ never explicitly told Catherine that Emily was dead. She just said that she was gone. JJ also only says Emily's name three times, right at the beginning. From then on, JJ refers to Emily as she or her. I wanted JJ and ACJ's roles to be reversed; JJ is acting the way that Catherine should be. JJ needs to be acting the way she would if Emily were truly dead because Catherine would pick up on anything less.

AN3: I have 18 chapters written for this story so far and I'm not finished yet. The next chapter will be posted on August 4, 2012.

**IMPORTANT: **In respesponse to the questions about why I'm not posting all the chapters at once:If I post all the chapters now, there will be nothing left to post when I'm stuck with writers block, the way I currently am. Normally I finish a story before I post it and because of the way I write, if something new occurs to me and it works well with my story, I go back and write it in. This would be rather annoying for everyone reading if I had previously posted the chapters and then changed them. I've done major changes by accident before. I hope this explanation is sufficient :)


	2. Lies My Mother Told Me

**IMPORTANT: **In respesponse to the questions about why I'm not posting all the chapters at once:If I post all the chapters now, there will be nothing left to post when I'm stuck with writers block, the way I currently am. Normally I finish a story before I post it and because of the way I write, if something new occurs to me and it works well with my story, I go back and write it in. This would be rather annoying for everyone reading if I had previously posted the chapters and then changed them. I've done major changes by accident before. I hope this explanation is sufficient :)

AN: Thank you for your winderful reviews! This chapter is told from JJ's point of view. The two quotes are from Criminal Minds season six's episode eighteen, Lauren.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Lies My Mother Told Me**

* * *

The secret to getting away with lying

is believing with all your heart,

that goes for lying to yourself

even more so than lying to another.

– Elizabeth Bear

* * *

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

The flight back is a nightmare, everyone is grumpy and in shock. I just want to get home to Henry, Will and Catherine. I want to forget what happened to Emily. I want to forget what Aaron and I had to do. No one has managed more than a few hours of sleep and I don't think Aaron slept at all. I certainly didn't. I believe Ashley Seaver stayed with Dave and Penelope and Derek shared a room. It is completely against bureau policy, but I'm sure that no one is going to say anything because we are a family, and families stick together.

Spence spent the night in my hotel room dozing in a chair. I couldn't convince him to sleep in the bed, nor could I convince him to return to his own room. Spence was so out of it that he never even noticed when I left to meet Aaron or when I spoke to Catherine from the bathroom. I'm really worried about him, the last time Spencer was this out of touch with reality was after Henkel and he was using Dilauded. I know he isn't right now, but that doesn't make me feel any less worried.

Calling Catherine just before three in the morning was a grueling task. Jessie I had to lie to our faerie princess, our baby sister. How on earth am I supposed to keep Emily's secret? I know that I have to protect your Emily Jessie, but how can I lie to my family, to our family? I almost chickened out and waited until we all returned home, but I could never be that cruel to Catherine. I raised her; she is half my daughter and half my baby sister. Catherine needs the team to be together, just like Spence does. Stability and routine in all things are an integral part of their lives. Which is why Spencer staying away these past few months has been so difficult for my Faerie Princess.

I wish I could have kept my promise to Catherine, I promised her that I would bring Emily home. Even knowing that Emily is safer because everyone believes that she is dead is not helping. I suppose I could keep my promise to Catherine if we bring Emily home after catching Doyle. But somehow I don't think Catherine will appreciate my distinction between bringing Emily home safe now and sometime in the future.

I have to believe that Emily will be safe once she wakes up from her medically induced coma. My lies to the team were both tiny and huge. It was touch and got for a long while. Emily really did die, twice: first in the ambulance and then again on the operating table. They almost couldn't bring her back that second time. Emily is family and family is supposed to protect each other. This is the only way I can justify what Aaron and I did. It wasn't my idea, nor was it Aaron's to pretend that Emily had died. Someone else made that decision, but I am glad that we had the Ambassador's approval, because it made pushing everything through much simpler.

The Ambassador wanted Emily to be 'buried' on the grounds of their home in Washington. I'm pretty sure that Aaron talked her out of it, as much as anyone can talk Ambassador Prentiss out of anything. She wanted the grave to be protected but Emily's grave needs to be out in public; if we were to hide it, Doyle might think something was wrong. If we are ever going to catch him and bring Emily home safe, we need Doyle to feel secure enough to come out of hiding. He is the kind of man who would revisit the scene of the crime. Boston is far away, but Emily's very public grave might just be too good to pass up because Doyle believes that in killing Emily, he has won.

When Garcia checked the cameras around Emily's condo we found out that Ian Doyle had been stalking Emily for a while. I had to leave the briefing room and run to the bathroom. He saw Catherine. I'm sure of it. Catherine spends half her time at Emily's condo and stays up late with all the lights on. No one has been able to break her of that habit since Montreal. Not that we tried very hard, because it makes her feel safe. Maybe we should have tried more diligently.

I'm just not certain as to why Doyle didn't go after my baby sister. No, wait. I think I know the answer to that: Emily. It's even more glaringly obvious than the reason Dave gave for why Emily left. If I am to accept that Emily went after Doyle to protect her family, the team, then I have to accept the fact that Emily was protecting Catherine as well. Accepting it is not the problem, it's letting go of my anger at Emily for not saying anything sooner. Who knows how much more danger we all were in because she didn't talk to the team.

I left a voicemail for Will because he was working on a case and I didn't want to disturb him. No, that's not true, I didn't want to lie to him. Not that I wanted to lie to Catherine either, but I thought that it would be easier to tell them over the phone. That I would be able to act properly because I am going to have to be cool, calm and collected when I get off the plane. I have been preparing myself to face Catherine and Will when we get home. The two people who know me best, this will be an extremely difficult test of my acting abilities. I need to fool Catherine and Will in person. I need to convince my baby sister and my boyfriend when I see them face-to-face that Emily really is gone. They cannot know that Emily is still alive because we, Aaron and I, need to keep Emily safe.

I really hope that Catherine will bring Henry and Jack to meet the plane. I want to see my baby boy and I know that Aaron wants to see Jack. Will is still working so he won't be there. I missed them even before the team and I left for Boston. Family is very important; Aaron and I are trying to save all our families right now. I have to believe that what Aaron and I are doing is right otherwise I will never make it through the lying and deceiving of our families.

I don't know what I'm going to tell Henry, just like I have no idea what Aaron is going to tell Jack. Henry is too young to really understand what is going on, but Jack remembers losing his mother. I don't want to think about what losing another female role model will do to that little boy. He still has Penelope, Catherine and myself, but Emily is, I mean was, his third favorite person in the world. Aaron is the first and Catherine the second.  
When the plane lands, I look out the window. I can see Catherine. My baby boy is snuggled into her chest and Jack is standing next to them. Aaron exits the plane first and Catherine lets go of Jack's hand. Jack runs towards Aaron as fast as his little legs can carry him. Dave and Seaver descend next, followed by Derek, Penelope and Spencer. Spence is a mess; he looks like he hasn't slept in weeks instead of just a single rest-less night.

After talking to the pilot, I walk slowly down the six steps, I can see Jack in Aaron's arms and Henry in Catherine's completely surrounded by the team. Spence is standing very close to Catherine; from a distance it almost looks like they're touching, like Spence is leaning on my little sister. Henry is the first to notice me as a get closer to the team and his happy shriek of "Mommy!" startles everyone. I can see my baby boy wriggling in Catherine's arms, like he always does when I get back from work. Catherine sets him down and my little man runs towards me on unsteady legs. "Mommy! Mommy!" He crashes into me with his arms raised, asking to be picked up. I pick my Henry up and hold him as close as possible without squishing him. Henry gives great hugs and I have missed my baby boy so very much. Catherine disentangles herself from Spence and walks cautiously towards me. I shift Henry to my hip, kiss his head, and hold one arm out to my little sister. She sidles into my outstretched arm and curls into my side."Jenny," she whispers, "I'm so glad you're home."I kiss her forehead and whisper back, "Me too."  
I hug Catherine really tightly before I let her go. I am thankful that she has not broken down because I am fairly certain it would have set off a chain reaction. The team is waiting for us. Aaron needs to get Jack's booster seat from my car and everyone else wants to say good-bye and the same time, none of us want to leave. We don't want to be alone.

Dave announces that he is going to drive Ashley home. Before he leaves, Dave offers Catherine a hug. She accepts with a shy smile on her face. They have come so far in two years. I notice that Ashley waves to Catherine but makes no move to touch her, good. Ashley has learned something since the first time she met my baby sister. Derek and Penelope are the next two to leave. Derek says that he going to drive Penelope home. I'm pretty sure he is lying; they're probably going back to his place and will be three sheets to the wind in a matter of hours, but right now that is inconsequential. Penelope hugs my little sister with the same fierceness with which she does everything in life, she is the only one who is crying. It is silent but the colourful streaks down her face are hard to miss. Derek's hold on Catherine is the exact opposite: he holds her gently, like she is a porcelain doll and might break if he holds her too tightly.

Aaron, Jack and Spence walk with Henry, Catherine and I to my car. Once Aaron has the booster seat, he and Jack take off after one last meaningful look in my direction. I hope no one has noticed our silent communication. Jack hugs Catherine's legs tightly and waves good-bye to Henry who is already buckled into his car seat. Catherine has insisted that Spence come home with us and I don't have the heart to refuse, they both look rather lost.

I am exceedingly glad that the drive home is uneventful. In the state that I am in, I'm unsure that I would be able to manage a panicked or broken little sister. Catherine still gets nervous in cars and it has been even worse since she was abducted back in November. It's a wonder that she made it all the way to the airstrip. I put Henry to bed when we get home; my little man is tuckered out. Spence, who is lying in my sister's bed, with his head in Catherine's lap, falls asleep soon after his godson.

I check in on Spencer and my sister again a little while after he had fallen asleep. I catch Catherine's eye and she replaces herself with a pillow under Spence's head. Una stands guard. I am glad that Spence seems relatively peaceful. I wonder if Catherine has gotten her claws into him yet; I know she wants answers to her questions. Probably not, my sister is really good at reading people instinctively; she would know that now is not the time to be asking difficult questions. I also know that Spencer won't tell her anything. There is nothing to tell. Spence never saw Emily after she walked out of the BAU a few days ago.

The door whispers softly along the carpet before latching closed as Catherine exits her room and follows me down the hall to the bedroom I share with Will. Catherine is so silent and has been since we arrived home that I feel like she is a shadow. Normally we would talk in Catherine's room but Spence is there, so we cannot. I don't think it will bother Will if Catherine and I curl up on our bed.

I sit down on the bed and wait for Catherine to come to me. She hesitates in the doorway, I am ready to break the tranquility and tell her to come sit down but she moves before I have a chance. Once Catherine sits down I move away slightly, climb under the covers and lie down. Catherine mirrors my movements just a few moments afterwards. An instant later, Catherine is tangled up in my arms, shaking. I know that my baby sister is crying, not because she is trembling but because I can feel her tears soaking through my t-shirt. My heart is breaking for my distraught baby sister and I desperately want to tell her the truth. I want her to know that Emily is alive, even if she isn't well. I want Catherine to know because I don't want to be the cause of any more of her pain.

"Why?" she whispers.

It is the first word Catherine has spoken since she met me at the airstrip. It sounds so very broken that I almost start to cry, "I don't know why Kitty Cat." I am telling the truth, I don't know.

She sniffles a little bit, "How did Emmy die?"

I am about to lie to my sister and it makes my stomach churn, "Kitty Cat I don't know and even if I did, I couldn't tell you. You need clearance and you don't have it."

The note of censure in her voice counters the breathlessness of her "Jen," and I am aware that pushing Catherine away is a very bad idea.

I bite my tongue and do it anyway. I give Catherine the standard line, "She was injured in the line of duty."

Catherine raises her head from where it had previously been buried in my shoulder and glares at me. "Jennifer," my name is practically growled.

"She never made it off the table Kitty Cat," The words taste rancid in my mouth. I wish Aaron and I had come up with a more believable lie, or at least one that didn't hurt quite so much to tell.

Catherine starts crying again. It takes a long time for her to stop and when her hiccups taper off, I know that she has finally fallen asleep. I debate internally about leaving her here for Will to move or just waiting for Catherine to wake up on her own. But I know that if Catherine wakes up in my bed without me there she will panic, just as she will freak out if she wakes up while Will is carrying her. So I pick up my little sister and carry her down the hall, back to her bed where Spencer is still asleep. I pull back the blankets and lay Catherine down next to him. I recover the two of them with the covers as gently as possible. I find it very cute how two people who don't like to be touched curl into each other as soon as I put Catherine down.

By the time Will gets home, I am curled up in our bed and I believe that I have sufficiently composed myself. I don't want to, but I have to make this believable. I really hope it is enough to lie to my boyfriend and father of my child. I managed to lie to Catherine, but she was so distraught that I'm not entirely certain she noticed that I haven't cried since I spoke with her on the phone. It will be even more difficult to lie to Will because he is not as close to Emily or the rest of the team as Catherine and I are.  
Will kneels down on the floor in front of me. His big blue eyes are looking at me with such love and compassion, like I am the most important person in his world. It warms my heart, "JJ," he whispers, brushing my hair out of my face."Will," I whisper back, "Emily… She- She's gone." It is the only thing I can think to say.

He doesn't ask what happened or why, he knows that I can't tell him. He just wraps his arms around me. I feel guilty taking comfort in Will's arms. I am lying to him, I am lying to my entire family and here I am, being comforted over a death of a friend. I lost Emily like the rest of the team, but I'm not sure knowing that she is alive is a blessing. I'm not sure that knowing Emily is in the hospital, alone, frightened and in pain is better than thinking that she is dead.

I start crying uncontrollably into Will's chest. I cry for Derek who has lost a partner, a sister and I cry for Penelope who has lost a best friend. I cry for Dave who has lost a daughter and for Aaron who has also lost a daughter and has to share this terrible secret with me. I cry for Spence who has lost a sister, a friend and I cry for Catherine, my baby sister, who has lost another big sister and someone I know she not so secretly considers a mother. I cry for Emily, who has lost her entire BAU family: fathers, siblings and possibly a daughter. Sometimes it is difficult to judge just how much Emily cares for my little sister. Finally, I cry for myself, I lost a best friend, a sister, and a connection to Jessie, and because I don't know how I am going to manage to keep this secret from my family. I feel so alone. It feels like forever before I can stop sobbing. I think I am now completely out of tears.

Right before I fall asleep Will whispers in my ear, "When you want to tell me what really happened JJ, I will listen and I won't judge you. I promise I'll love you forever."

And in that instant, after hearing Will's words and in the space between awake and dreaming, I don't feel so alone.

* * *

People will believe a big lie

sooner than a little one,

and if you repeat it frequently enough

people will sooner or later believe it.

– Walter Langer

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review. The next chapter will be posted on August 7, 2012.


	3. Please Let There Be Rain

AN: Thank you for your reviews. This chapter might be a little confusing, there were a few problems with flow because this is Emily's funeral told from Catherine's point of view.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Please Let There Be Rain**

* * *

The truth does not change

according to our ability to stomach it.

- Flannery O'Connor

* * *

Thursday, March 10th, 2011

I was having this really amazing dream about swimming through an orange sky last night and when I woke up and wanted to tell Emily about is because she loves swimming and she had a similar one back in December, I think the sky was a deep purple. Then I remembered that Emily is dead and the memory of the three am wake up call, stopped me short. Emily Elizabeth Prentiss is dead. No, It still sounds strange to say aloud, I've tried and it doesn't sound any more natural or real today than it did yesterday or the day before that.

Today is Emily's funeral. It is going to be horribly difficult to get through. But I cannot consider not going because that would be disrespectful to Emily's memory and I don't want that. I just want to stay here in bed, under my covers with Una for company. Maybe Spence if he comes back. He disappeared sometime Tuesday night or early Wednesday morning before I woke up. I haven't heard from him since, he isn't even answering his phone. Maybe he needs time alone to deal with the aftermath. I just wish that he had woken me up to say good-bye before he left.

I haven't spoken to, nor have I seen anyone else from the team since they arrived at the airstrip. I have no idea how or where they are. I guess I will find out later today. Will is going to stay home with Henry and Jack, which is good because neither Will and Jen nor Aaron have figured out what to tell the little kids yet. I offered to stay with them or help find another sitter so that Will could attend as well but Will turned me down. He actually had the audacity to ask me to go to the funeral and "take care of his JJ."I almost spat back that, "She was mine first," before I realized that he was just trying to be helpful. Tempers are running hot and our emotions are all over the place from one moment to the next.

My big sister has been acting strangely. Sometimes she seems fine, like nothing has happened and then there are other times when I catch her standing in front of Henry's crib while he sleeps. Talking to him about how important family is and how every family member, no matter how old or young needs to be protected. Something is obviously wrong but there is no way Jen is going to talk to me about it when she won't even talk to Will. And I am one hundred percent sure that Jen has not talked to him because she has the look of someone carrying the weight of the worlds on her shoulders. I hope she finds someone she can talk to, maybe Aaron; he always seems to know have some idea of what is going on with his team. But Jenny isn't part of his team anymore, maybe I should just wait and see what happens. And if she doesn't get better, I'll talk to Aaron about Jen.

I know all about the clearance thing. I understand, really I do, but I still want to know how Emily died. Why her? Who did it? I have so many questions and I have no answers. Jen is certainly not going to give them to me. Perhaps someone else on the team would be willing to give me answers, maybe Penelope. She usually looks the other way when I want to read certain files. I still technically have some level of clearance because I worked on that case back in November. I don't want to think about that case ever again but if it will grant me access to information about what happened to Emily, I will put up with the extra nightmares.

Obviously I can't ask today, but maybe next week. I can be patient. I will probably have to be extremely patient because I have a feeling that the team will not be inclined to give me any useful information. They seem to be holding onto the misguided notion that I am one of the innocents that they need to protect. This is not true. I have been a victim, but so have Spence, Jen, and Penelope, even Derek has been a victim. I know it's not exactly the same but I have also been part of a team that catches serial killers, they are my family, and that makes a big difference to me.

The entire team rides in a limo from the funeral home to the church. The limo is huge, black and sleek. There is enough space for the entire team, as well as Jennifer, Ashley and myself. The visitation last night was packed and it looks like Emily's funeral will be just as overcrowded. However, I have been assured that only close friends and immediate family members are welcome at the burial. We're supposed to walk from the church out to the burial site. Aaron said there would be guards to make sure that no one who isn't welcome can attend.

Earlier this morning, I overheard Aaron and Dave talking about how the Ambassador, Emily's mother had made all the arrangements through the bureau. They also mentioned that the Ambassador will not be attending Emily's funeral. She has been delayed in Europe, something about work. That shocked me; Emily's mother will not be here for her only child's funeral. I can't help but feel if Ambassador Prentiss really wanted to be here this morning, she would have found a way. I know that she is supposed to be here tomorrow for the will reading but it's not the same thing. I hope she feels horrible about missing the funeral.

We follow behind the hearse bearing Emily's casket. I don't want to think of her body being in there. It was a closed casket funeral, which is odd for a practicing Catholic like her mother, but maybe Emmy was horribly mangled. Damn it. I really need to stop this particular train of though. It is going to make me feel even worse than I already do.  
When we are finally ready to exit the church, I find out that Aaron, Dave, Derek and Spencer are all going to be pallbearers. This was probably one of the things Spence didn't want to tell me. It never occurred to me to ask who was going to carry Emily's coffin. Somehow, it seems right for Emily's family to carry her. I don't know who the other two men are, but Jen quietly informs me that they worked with Emily before she came to the BAU.

Jen and I hold hands while we follow Penelope and Ashley who are directly behind the boys and Emily. Jen squeezes both my hands in one of her's as the white haired Priest talks about Emily. It seems hypocritical that he should be allowed to talk about our Emily when he has never even met her. I notice that Derek and Penelope are also holding hands. Spence is standing diagonally behind me and I want to reach out and offer him comfort but I would have to let go of Jen's hand. If I were to do that, my carefully crafted composure would crumble and I would be a bawling, trembling, mess.

There is a exquisite bouquet of white roses on the coffin. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and there is not a single cloud in the sky. It doesn't seem appropriate for it to be such a gorgeous day in March. They sky should be filled with dark grey clouds and it should be pouring rain, possibly sleet, to reflect the moods of everyone here who matters.  
Jen hands me a rose before she walks calmly towards Emily's coffin, for her last chance to say good-bye. Derek follows Jen and Ashley, Penelope, Spence, Dave and Aaron in turn follow him. There is not a single dry eye amongst the teammates. I notice that Penelope and Derek are holding hands again. The public display of affection is reassuring; not everything has fallen to pieces, not everything has changed. I walk forward cautiously, unsure whether or not I will be welcome in their private moment. It is Dave who beckons me closer and so I follow his lead, and my feet stop me at Emily's casket.

The red rose clutched tightly in my hand reminds me of fresh blood. I wonder if Emily bled out? Was she scared? Was she cold? I drop my rose on the casket as quickly as possible so that I don't have to look at it anymore. I back away quickly, stumbling over the mound of fresh earth. I start crying softly. I am unable to maintain my self-control. My grief is overwhelming and I keel over, landing in a heap on the freshly mowed grass.  
Jen breaks away from the team when I fall down. She picks me up and dusts me off before pulling me back to the rest of the team. Jen wraps me so tightly in her arms I cannot move, even if I wanted too. There is a two person sized gap in the ring around Emily's coffin. I am more grateful than words can express that they made space for me as well as Jen and that no one looked at me or said anything about my breakdown. We truly are a family, a broken one at the moment but it will get better because time heals all wounds right?

When the rest of the team stands back, Jen pulls me with her and my tears start again in earnest. I know what is coming next, and sure enough the undertaker lowers Emily's casket into the ground. We stand guard while he shovels dirt into the grave, filling it in its entirety. We watch with tears streaming down all our faces but without a single word passing any of our lips as Emily is buried. We wait, unable to move, as the undertaker flattens out the dirt and covers Emily's fresh grave with new sod.

Aaron is the first to leave; I'm sure he wants to get back to Jack. Ashley and Dave, and then Penelope and Derek follow Aaron's departure in swift succession. Spencer is standing a few yards away under one of the many oak trees. Jen lets go of me and starts to walk away from Emily's grave. I know that we are supposed to go back to Emily's condo to have a late lunch but I can't move. I don't want to leave Emily. I can't willingly leave her alone.

Jen tries gently tugging on my arms but it feels like my shoes are filled with cement I can't move my legs. When Jen tugs on my arm a little harder and tries to pull me away from Emily I wrench my arm out of her grasp as my legs give out under me. I land on the ground, right in front of Emily's grave. There is a rushing sound in my ears, I know Jen it talking to me, but I have no idea what she is saying.

I can feel Jen trying to lift me up, but I am an unresponsive dead weight. _Emmy why did you leave? Why are you dead? Who did this to you? Who killed you? Why won't the team tell me anything? I need to know why. You promised me Emmy. Why didn't you keep your promise?_

I am peripherally aware that Jen has given up trying to move me. _Maybe she understands my reluctance to leave, maybe Jenny understands my sorrow._ My hyper-vigilance is reveiling to me that Jen is rather far away and it is also telling me that someone else, a non-threat is very close to me, much too close for comfort. I blink a few times, coming back to awareness; I need to know who is sitting so close to me. I look away from Emily's headstone, it's Spence and he is the one who is so close, he is practically leaning against me.

Spencer is not looking at me when he starts to talk, I don't know what he is saying, everything still sounds distorted but the sound of his voice is comforting. He offers me his spare handkerchief and I give him a watery smile, which he returns. I lean into Spencer because there is only one reason that he ever sits this close to me: he is offering comfort. He is actually going to let me touch him. I believe Spence thinks that I'm just about as non-threatening as I know him to be. Before Montréal this would not have been as rare of an occurrence for me as it would be for the rest of the team, but in these past few months, the moments Spencer and I have spent together are few and far between.

"Kitty Cat," Spencer's softly spoken words are the first that I have actually heard properly since the priest said "Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust."

Spence saying my nickname is comforting but it's not the voice, nor the nickname that I really want to hear. I want Emily to show up, call me Creirwy (kree-ree) and tell me that it was all just a big joke, a mistake. I want Emily to be alive. I need Emily to be alive.

Spencer tries again, "It's time to go, Kitty Cat."

"No Spence. Please?" I beg him, "I can't leave. I can't leave Emmy alone."

Spencer wraps one arm around me, "Staying here crying won't make a bit of difference. She's gone Kitty Cat. We need to accept that, as much as it hurts."

Tears are clouding my vision, "No one will tell me anything Spence. I need to know. I need to know that she didn't die alone. I need to know that she isn't alone now."

"Well," Spencer starts slowly, "Emily believed in heaven so if there is a heaven, we have to believe that Emily is in it. She will have friends and family there."

"But she won't have us," slips out and I blush. Spencer smiles, but there is no humor in it, "That is true, she won't have us with her."

Spencer looks nervous for a moment, "I'm not supposed to say anything Kitty Cat but you need to hear this. Emily did not die alone."

A single candle's worth of hope flickers to life inside my chest, "She didn't?"

He smiles, "No, she didn't Kitty Cat. She was surrounded by doctors who were trying to save her life."

The candle's flame flickers and is extinguished.

Spencer takes one look at my crestfallen face and tries again, "I don't know anything else Kitty Cat and even if I did, I couldn't tell you."

I sigh quietly and mop my face with the hanky, "I know Spence."

"Are you ready to leave?" Spencer asks me, trepidation filling his voice.

"Yes Spence," I answer. Before I try to get up, I take out from my pocket, a tiny silver cat ring and tuck it under a corner of sod. It was supposed to be for Emily's birthday but I misplaced it. I think it appropriate that I leave it with her now. I struggle to rise from the ground because my legs have fallen asleep.

Spencer helps me up before taking a few steps back.

I place my hand on Emily's grave stone and say one last silent goodbye before turning away. Spencer has his hand extended towards me. It is really very sweet of him to put up with so much physical contact today. I wonder if he needs this just as much as I do.

Spencer and I walk away from Emily's grave hand in hand. The sun is still shining, the sky is still blue and I still wish it were raining.

* * *

But sunshine you shone. Sunshine you've grown.

I'm just a shadow when you're not here to shine.

- Her Velvet Voice, by The Juliana Theory

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading please review. What do you think of this chapter?

AN3: I will not be posting for a week or so because I am going to attend a Medical Conference in Cincinnati. So I won't be posting on the 10th and probably not on the 13th either. Regular updates should resume as of August 16, 2012.


	4. Where is Sergio?

**IMPORTANT** I've fiddled a little bit with the time-line. In 6x14 Emily receives the flower from Doyle, takes Sergio and leaves. This still stands but Emily goes back to her condo after Doyle threatens her team because Emily forgot to tell Catherine not to go to the condo after she received the flower. Catherine doesn't know that she is in danger when she goes to Emily's condo, but Emily does because Doyle threatened Catherine when he threatened the rest of the BAU team.

AN: Hi! I'm back! The conference was amazing! I'm so glad I skipped a week of school to go to it :) I made a whole bunch of new friends with and without EDS (Ehlers-Danlos).

AN2: I don't actually have anything against Ashley Seaver; this is Catherine's point of view. And for Catherine, Ashley's mere existence is an imposition on her family. She's nervous around Ashley and even a little territorial. That said, I would suggest reading Meeting Ashley Seaver if you want to see Ashley and Catherine's first meeting. Flash back is in _italics_ and as usual, so are Catherine's thoughts.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other character you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Where is Sergio?**

* * *

People keep- people have a tendency to go away.

And I miss them.

And sometimes I wish I could make them stop.

Going away.

- Dawn, Older and Far Away, BTVS

* * *

Thursday, March 10th, 2011

The drive is as silent as my walk with Spencer from Emily's grave to Jen's car. I curl up in the backseat with Spence as much as possible while still wearing my seatbelt. Jen would have had a fit if I had taken it off or not put it on at all. She has always been so mom-like, but it's even more pronounced now, than before Henry was born. _What are you thinking Jenny? Why haven't you talked about Emily since the phone call at three in the morning? I know that you're sad Jen, but you really need to talk to someone, even if it isn't me._

Walking into Emily's condo after the funeral feels wrong. Emily should be here with us. She never lets the entire team into her condo without her being here. Hell, even Jen and Penelope aren't allowed in on their own. Only I have permission to come and go as I please. I am the only person with a key. I notice that we are late: Jen, Spence and I. Everyone else is already here and I don't know how they all got in without my key. I know that it is my fault, my breakdown made us late. _It feels so wrong to be here with everyone. It feels wrong that Emily is gone. Emily was not supposed to die; she was supposed to come back home to her family, to me. Jennifer promised. I don't think that any other broken promise has ever hurt me so much before. Not even when Jen promised and subsequently failed to protect me from my monster._

_It shouldn't but it still does feel wrong for Ashley to be here at all. In December, Ashley promised that she would never approach me first and would never be around me unless Emily was there as well. For three full months she has kept her word and I am grateful, but Emily is gone and that means our temporary truce has been destroyed. What am I supposed to do now? I tried to consider Ashley family, but I just couldn't do it. I still see her as an intruder when Emily isn't present. Emily was my only real reason for putting any effort into my 'relationship' with Ashley Seaver. We need to figure something out; Ashley lasted longer than I originally anticipated. Although I shouldn't be surprised, after all, Emily was her training agent. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I have to find some way to talk to Ashley. Just the idea of being in the same room alone with her makes me nervous._

_I still haven't really had contact with anyone outside my family in the three and a half months following my abduction by Louis and Dodgson. Sure I go to school, and I deal with the annoying little undergrads and I talk with my thesis advisor but they are never in any real proximity to my person, there is always at least a desk for separation. And both Professor Vaillancourt and Professor Walsh-Morrissey know that I don't like to be touched._

The team is spread out in the kitchen and the living room. Dave is cooking in the kitchen while Ashley watches. _I wonder if Dave feels weird cooking in Emily's kitchen._ Jennifer follows Aaron off down the hallway to the spare bedroom. I hope Jen gets a chance to talk properly about Emily's death with Aaron because I really don't see her talking to anyone else. Derek and Penelope are standing in the hall talking quietly, I go over to say hello while Spencer moves into the living room to sit down. Derek hugs me gently and tucks my hair behind my ears before Penelope drags me off to the bathroom to wash off my streaked makeup.

Penelope sits on the covered toilet lid while I wash my face. I'm not used to wearing make up and the soap and water I've been using isn't enough to get rid of the raccoon eyes my mascara has given me.

Penelope looks up and chuckles at my misfortune, all I have succeeded in doing is messing up my makeup, "Don't you have any make up remover here Cupcake?"

I roll my eyes, "Penny you know that I don't usually wear make up. So no, I don't have any."

Penelope is still chuckling when she rises, "Well Emily must have some, where is-" Penelope cuts herself off. Her breath leaves her lungs in a big whoosh.

I flinch at the name and it feels like all the air in my lungs has suddenly disappeared.

Penelope's makeup is running again and she sinks slowly back down onto the toilet lid.

I take a few steps towards her and take a deep breath, trying to stifle my sobs before I hug her tightly.

It takes us a few minutes to stem the flow of tears and by then, Derek is knocking at the door, wanting to know if we're okay. I answer the door and I know that I must look even more of a wreck than earlier because Derek looks sad and the muscles in his arms are twitching like they do when he wants to hug me but isn't quite sure if he's allowed.

I step forwards and bury my head in Derek's sculpted chest. His arms come around my body and he holds me securely against him while I bawl. I can hear Penelope crying softly behind me. Derek removes one of his arms from around me and offers it to Penelope. She comes forward, wraps one arm around me, the other around Derek. Then she mirrors my earlier movement by hiding her face against Derek's neck.

"Baby girl," Derek says addressing Penelope, "What set off the waterworks? Penelope is still sniffling and hiccupping too much to answer Derek so he turns to me, "Princess?"

I flinch and Derek holds me tighter while I try to calm my erratic breathing. Derek tries again, "Talk to me Catherine."

I hiccup quietly before answering him, "I was trying to wash off my makeup and it wouldn't come off with soap and then Penelope asked me if I had any make up remover. I don't. And then she said-" I stop myself short I don't want to blame her, it isn't really her fault.

Penelope picks up the story before I have to decide what to tell Derek, "I said Emily should have some."

Derek hugs us tighter and makes a few wheezing noises when we hug him back.

Jenny must have heard what we were talking about because she shows up a few minutes later with makeup remover. I think it might actually be Emily's. Jen is really brave to go into Emily's bedroom; I know that I would not have been able to manage it.

Derek releases Penelope and myself; we disappear back into the bathroom with one final squeeze and a whispered, "Thank you," to both Derek and Jen. Penelope and I wash our faces quickly without talking, trying very hard not to think about where the makeup remover came from.

I exit the bathroom first again. Penelope stays behind and Derek enters the bathroom seconds after I leave. I walk down the hall slowly. Jenny has disappeared again. Dave is in the kitchen with Aaron. Spence is sitting in the living room. I can see his head and shoulders sticking up from the couch. I don't see Ashley until I walk into the living room. I bite my lip so that I don't say anything to her. She is sitting far too close to Spence even if she is sitting on a chair and not the couch. Still sniffling, I curl up; ball like, against my Spencer's slim frame on Emily's couch, trying not to even look at Ashley. Her presence feels like a knife through my heart, it reminds me that Emily should be here. Emily promised that she would always be around and now I can't even be angry with her because she's dead.

I feel instantly calmer when Spencer wraps an arm around me and a little better when he pulls down the blanket from the back of the couch and tucks it in around me.

Snuggled up to Spencer, I remember being in a similar position, minus Spencer, a few weeks ago. I was sitting on the couch, exactly where I am now and Emily was hours late, I was worried and she walked though the door after eleven. The conversation that we had a few days before she died is haunting me. It was the last time I spoke to or saw Emily.

* * *

_I rise from the couch, hands still clenched in the cream coloured blanket I have wrapped around myself, "Emmy where were you? I was worried. I thought you were coming home right after work. You said we were going watch the series finale of Angel. And where is Sergio?"_

_"Creirwy (kree-ree)," says Emily frowning, "I need some alone time."_

_I raise an eyebrow; less worried but still concerned, "A non sequitur Emily? And you can't possibly be alone in a mostly empty condo while I'm writing my Master's thesis in my bedroom?"_

_Emily crosses her arms across her chest, "Catherine I need you to leave."_

_"Okay. Fine," I raised my hands, letting the blanket fall to the floor around my feet, "I don't know what's going on Emily but something is obviously wrong, you have never kicked me out before." I whisper, "I wish you would talk to me."_

_Emily uncrosses her arms and lets them hang by her sides. She looks beseechingly at me, "We both need to leave the apartment okay Creirwy (kree-ree)."_

_Her words scare me, "Emily what are you talking about? What's going on? Why do we both need to leave? Where are we going?"_

_Emily sighs, "You're going back home to JJ, Creirwy (kree-ree), I'm going to find somewhere else to stay."_

_My mouth blurts out questions before my mind can censure them, "What happened? Why are we splitting up? Why aren't you coming with me? I know Jen wouldn't mind." My thoughts are going a couple hundred miles a second. I frown, "Are we leaving because you got flowers?"_

_Emily's face is blank, "Flowers? What are you talking about?"_

_I wrinkle my nose, "You got a purple flower-"_

_"Freesia," Emily corrects me._

_I can feel my eyes lighting up, "So you do know what I'm talking about."_

_"Catherine." There it is again, my name, not my nickname. Something is definitely wrong. Emmy hardly ever uses Catherine._

_I bite my lip, "Emmy why was the pretty flower in the trash can?"_

_Emily sighs in frustration, "Catherine, don't ask questions, just grab your stuff so we can leave. I need to grab my other go bag."_

_"But Emily," I protest._

_Emily puts her foot down, "No. Go pack your stuff. We're not coming back here for a while."_

_I capitulate because I don't know what else to do. I pack up all my clothes and my research. I grab my laptop and hurry out of my bedroom._

_Emily is already waiting for me at the door by the time I return. She opens her arms to me but I can't move. I'm too scared. Something is wrong and Emily won't tell me what it is. Somehow I don't think that the rest of the team would be able to tell me either. Emily walks towards me slowly; the look on her face says quite clearly that she doesn't have time to calm me down but she will try regardless. I do my best to stop my impending panic attack in its tracks, the hug from Emily helps but I'm still really worried._

_Emily is driving rather erratically; she seems to be taking a bunch of streets that I don't recognize. If I didn't know better, I would think someone was trying to tail us, but who would be trying to follow Emily or me? It just doesn't make sense._

_When Emily finally drops me off at home. I have to ask, "Where is Sergio?" before I gather up my bags._

_She smiles, "Don't worry Creirwy (kree-ree), he's with my neighbour."_

_I hug Emily gently, "Bye Emmy."_

_She hugs me fiercely and kisses the top of my head, "Good-bye Creirwy. I love you."_

_I kiss her cheek, "Love you too Emmy." I frown, "You are coming back right? You're not running away?"_

_Emily smiles faintly, "No Creirwy (kree-ree), I'll be back. I promise."_

_Then I get out of the car and watch as Emily takes off. This is strange behavior for her, even more than kicking me out or abandoning her condo. Every other time that Emily has dropped me off previously she's made sure I get into the house before leaving._

* * *

I don't notice the tears streaming down my face until Spencer is maneuvering me onto his lap with my head pressed into the crook of his neck. The white noise is back and I can't hear anything, not even Spencer's heartbeat.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know, I'm reclining, but I'm still curled up on top of someone. I wait for all my senses to adjust before I open my eyes. I take stock of everything; I can feel someone's wool sweater under my cheek. _Now who was wearing a sweater today? Oh, Spencer was. Okay that's good, means I don't have to move._ I continue to take stock; I can hear Spence's heartbeat, I can smell Spence's soap. He always smells like new books.

I keep sniffing because the scent is just as calming as the heartbeat beneath my ear.

"Do I smell bad or something?" Spencer's voice startles me.

"What?" is all I manage get out on such sort notice.

"You're sniffing me. Do I smell bad?" he repeats himself.

I blush and look up, "No, you don't smell bad."

Spencer looks confused, "Then why?"

Penelope interrupts us, "Cupcake do you know where Sergio is? I've looked all over and I can't find him anywhere."

There is the tiniest smile on my lips, "Sergio is with the neighbour."

She looks at me strangely, "Which neighbour?"

I frown, trying to remember exactly which neighbour Emily usually leaves Sergio with when someone isn't house sitting, "The one at the opposite end of the hall, near the stairs."

Penelope nods, "Okay," she says before taking off.

A few minutes later, before Spencer has a chance to ask me why I smelled his sweater, Dave shouts from the kitchen, "Lunch is served!"

I don't bother to move and I try my best not to smile as Spencer tries to figure out how to get up off the couch with me still reclining on top of him. I know that he won't be able to do it on his own, I would have to move or he would have to dump me onto the floor and Spencer is much to nice to do that.

Derek comes along and looks at the two of us. He takes in my smirk and Spencer's confused face before walking around the couch and lifting me off Spencer and up into the air.

"Hey!" I cry out in protest, only a little bit annoyed.

Derek puts me down and chuckles, "Don't tease the genius Princess. It's not nice."

"He would have figured it out eventually," I mutter.

"Hey!" complains Spencer.

I roll my eyes, "All you had to do was ask Spence. I would have moved."

"Oh," says Spencer, his eyes lighting up in understanding.

Penelope and Jen are snickering in the doorway to the kitchen.

Derek, Penelope, Jen and Spence follow me as I walk into the kitchen. Aaron, Dave and Ashley are setting out plates, there isn't enough space in the kitchen for all of us to eat so we fill our plates and carry them out to the dining room.

Normally Emily has four chairs around her table and there are two more along the far wall but we are seven people today. Someone went to get my desk chair, I wonder if it was Jen. Suddenly I feel the need to add an eighth chair; it doesn't feel right to have a meal in Emily's home without Emily being here. We need a chair for Emily, so I go back to the front hall closet and get one of Emily's folding chairs.

When I return, both Ashley and Spencer look like they're about to ask me why I have an eighth chair but they are hushed quietly. Dave shushes Ashley who is sitting next to him and Jen leans over and covers Spence's mouth with her hand. Spencer asking questions about what I do is not new, but having someone else who questions why I do what I do is both unexpected and unpleasant.

Having Ashley around is still strange even though I have met her quite a few times. Ashley showed up right after Jen left the BAU for the State Department and I felt a little betrayed that the team would so easily and quickly replace my sister. Under different circumstances I'm sure we could have been great friends. We are relatively close in age, a mere four and a half years difference. I know that we share a love of eclectic music and prefer candy to chocolate, but it was not meant to be. Especially without Emily around forcing us to spend time together.

The first time Ashley and I met really didn't go well, we were at Emily's condo and she tried to touch me. I freaked out because I didn't see her or hear her coming. I was sitting on the living room couch, working on my thesis and I was wearing my headphones. I hadn't known that they had come home. It took Emily a good hour to calm me down and properly explain who the bloody hell Ashley was, and why she was in Emily's home.

These past few months, Emily took Ashley under her wing. I would have been concerned for my standing in Emily's eyes except for the fact that I spend half my free time at her condo. I know just how important I was to Emily; she used to tell me a lot.

Almost everyone else leaves right after we are finished eating and I cannot stand being here any longer. I just want to crawl into my bed at Jen's place and not come out for a week. Jen takes one look at me and says it's time for us to go. Spencer looks up from his perusal of the bookshelves and follows behind us like a shadow as we say good-bye to Aaron. This is when I find out that Aaron has a key and instantly, the mystery of how the rest of the team got in makes sense. I am oddly glad both that they didn't pick the lock and that I will not have to hand over my key so that Aaron can lock up.

Jen drives us home in silence. Jen has decided that Spencer is coming home with us again. I am grateful that I didn't have to ask her permission.

Spencer and I sneak in through the back door and take the secondary stairway upstairs to my bedroom. I know exactly when Jen walks through the front door because I can hear Henry's ecstatic exclamation of "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" I welcome the distraction because I know that I can't deal with my adorably excited nephew Henry right now and I can't deal with the solemn eyed Jack who will most definitely notice that my eyes are red. I have no idea how my sister is handling this so well. Maybe Jen cries when she's alone. That is what I would do if I could control my tear ducts.

I close my bedroom door quickly and quietly behind Spencer. There is no point in sneaking around if we're going to alert little ears to our presence by slamming my bedroom door. Spencer spends a long time staring at my forest-covered wall. He hasn't been over, except for Tuesday, in a number of weeks and my mural has changed quite a little bit since then.

I pull back the covers, intent upon climbing in and sleeping the week away. I frown for a moment, considering my options and how long we will have. If we're lucky, Will will keep Henry and Jack distracted until dinnertime. That leaves us about two hours. If we're really lucky, Jen or Will will check in on us, leave us alone and save us some food.

I take a quick peek at Spencer whose face is an inch away from my mural covered wall. My smirk is fleeting because I quickly blank my face, a trick I perfected with Emily. That name feels like a knife through my heart. I breathe out before saying, "Spence the paint is still wet."

He jerks back, "What? Oh no! Did I get some on my nose?"

I can't help but laugh at his horrified look. "No silly. It's not wet anymore."

He looks puzzled, "Then why did you say that it was?"

I snicker, "I was trying to get your attention."

He pouts, "You couldn't have just called my name?"

I smile and shake my head, "Nope, this was more fun."

He rolls his eyes, "Well I'm glad one of us is having fun."

I stick my tongue out at him.

Spencer looks at my uncovered bed, "You're going to have a nap? What am I supposed to do then?"

I look at him doing my best to keep my face blank, "Well, you could have a nap too, or you could lie down."

Spencer tilts his head, "Are those my only two choices?"

I nod, "Yes."

Spencer smiles, "What if I wanted to read?"

I raise an eyebrow, "You didn't bring any books and if you really wanted to read, you wouldn't have turned off the lamp next to you."

Spencer blushes and starts to stammer something.

I cut him off, "Relax Spence. I didn't mean anything by it."

His shoulders sag in relief.

I climb into one side of the bed and Spencer slowly makes his way across the dark room before sitting down on the opposite side. Eventually he lies down and we lie side by side in silence. I have had enough of the silence for today and I have also had enough of lying awkwardly next to Spence. So I move Spencer's arm out of the way and roll towards him, resting my head on his shoulder.

My breathing hitches as I remember Emily will never again tease me about how I tease Spence. She is never again going to watch Buffy or Angel with me. Emily will never eat pancakes again.

"Kitty Cat?" questions Spencer as he wraps his arms around me comfortingly.

I hide my face in Spencer's shoulder and as the tears start again I whisper, "Emmy's gone. She's really gone. I don't want her to be dead Spence."

He tightens his arms around me, "Me neither Kitty Cat. Everything would be so much better if she hadn't have died."

My weeping is muffled both by Spencer's sweater and his shoulder. I think this is the third time I have cried on him today. "Don't die Spence," I murmur, unable to stay silent on the matter.

"Hey, hey, I'm not going anywhere," protests Spencer before he drifts off into silence.

"Emily wasn't supposed to be going anywhere either," I remind him unnecessarily.

Spencer sighs sadly, "Go to sleep Kitty Cat."

"I'm sorry. Night Spence, love you," I whisper into his shoulder.

"Good night. I love you too Catherine," he whispers back.

* * *

Everything is dark.

It's more than you can take.

But you catch a glimpse of sunlight shining…

Shining down on your face.

- In My Veins, Andrew Belle

* * *

AN3: Thank you for reading please review. The next chapter will be posted on August 19, 2012.

AN4: This will be the last chapter with Ashley Seaver in it, unless you would like to have her make a cameo appearance in chapter 14. Would you like to read the conversation between Ashley and Catherine, where they hash out new terms for their 'truce'?


	5. Predator, Thy Name is Ambassador Prentis

AN: This is my shortest chapter. In _italics_ are sections of Emily's will and as per usual, so are Catherine's thoughts. I hate final essays, and I have two due Monday :(

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other character you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Predator, Thy Name Is Ambassador Prentiss**

* * *

Take hope from the heart of man

and you make him a beast of prey.

- Ouida

* * *

Friday, March 11th, 2011

Today everyone is supposed to go to some lawyer's office. I don't know their name. I didn't think to ask. Truthfully, I don't care what his or her name is. I don't even want to go, but Jenny said that I am listed in the will and she needs me to go with her. I will go because Jenny asked, because she said she needs me. She never 'needs' me. If Emily hadn't just died, I would be suspicious.

The car ride there is silent, just as everything for the past three days has been silent. I can appreciate silence because we have never been strangers, but I do not like this particular flavor of silence. It reeks of sadness and despair. It weighs heavily on all of us, making it difficult to breathe. My chest feels constricted and my lungs feel like they are filled with led.

I wish Emily were still alive. I want this to just be a big cruel joke, where she'll jump out yelling "Surprise! I tricked you!" I want this to all be a dream where I will wake up and everything will go back to normal. But I have to face the truth: Emily is gone. Jenny wouldn't have lied about something like that. She knows how important Emily is to me, to everyone on the team.

Everyone sits around the rectangular table in silence. In a way, I am glad that it is not a round table, because the reminder would have hurt more than not being able to read or see my family's faces. It's not profiling exactly, although I suppose in some ways it might be. I can look at the faces of the team, my family, and know how they are feeling. It is calming for me because I can predict their movements. Emily used to tell me it was part and parcel of my hyper-vigilance. _Oh god Emmy. Why do I keep thinking about you? It makes me want to cry._ I think I might be out of tears but my throat tightens anyway and breathing becomes more difficult.

Jennifer reaches over and laces her fingers through mine from where she is sitting on my left.

I want to climb into her lap and curl into a tiny ball. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to cry.

"Shh!" says Jenny, "It's okay to cry Kitty Cat."

I shake my head and look at my big sister. My eyes tell her what I cannot verbalize: _It is not okay to cry right now. _My eyes dart over to the lawyer, e_specially in front of someone I don't know._

Jenny sighs, "We'll talk later."

I nod and make a concerted effort to control my emotions.

The lawyer reads Emily's will out loud, and the beginning goes something like this: _Aaron, Dave, Derek, Spencer and Penelope, Jennifer and Creirwy (kree-ree). I know that all of you know me better than anyone else alive so you should take what you want from my condo and donate the rest._

There are no dry eyes in the room, even Aaron and Dave shed a few tears. The lawyer continues: _The condo itself should be given to Jennifer Jareau to keep in trust for Catherine Jareau until the latter is 25. Jennifer you need to let Catherine stay there when she wants to or needs to. She has grown up into a wonderful person Jen. Give her a chance to be independent._

Now I can hardly contain my smile. I am not losing Emily completely after all. I will still get to visit her condo. It really is her condo, even if she has given it to me. I may be losing one of my big sisters and a surrogate mother but I will not be losing my second home, as I had previously feared.

A quiet murmur arises from the contents of Emily's will pertaining directly to me. From the look of sadness and surprise, I don't think Jen knew what Emily was going to say. I'm not sure why but Aaron's facial expression mirrors Jen's while rest of the team looks equally startled but happy. The lawyer clears his throat to get everyone's attention before continuing: _My money and my trust fund should be returned to my parents. My mother Elizabeth Prentiss will take care of all the details._ Emily's mother, the Ambassador, nods cordially to the lawyer, who nods back.

I can hardly believe how calm and stoic the Ambassador is. One would never know that she was at the will reading for her only child. With her wine coloured gown, she looks like she is going to a ball. Maybe Ambassador Prentiss is going to attend a ball after Emily's will reading is over. There are no emotions on her face. Now I know from where Emily learned her masks. I just wish that I could read the Ambassador as easily as I can Emily. I desperately want to know that she is affected by losing Emily. I want to know that the woman who gave birth to Emmy has a heart; I hope she is crying on the inside.

When the reading of the will is over, everyone gets up. After Jen and Aaron talk for a moment, Aaron, Dave, Penelope and Derek leave the room together. Jen turns to me and says that we are all supposed to meet at Emily's condo on Sunday. The Ambassador moves towards the lawyer like a predator stalking its prey.

I notice Spencer hesitating in the doorway with his back to me. I look at him curiously; I have no idea what is going through his mind.

Spencer whips around and walks swiftly over to me.

I take a few steps back before I realize what I'm doing and halt my movement.

Spencer stops right in front of me, a little too close for comfort, even if this is Spencer.

I bite my lip nervously and stare at his chest, trying to calm my racing heart.

It helps a little when Spencer holds both his hands palms up in front of me. Then he reaches forward and lifts my chin with one finger, so that I am now looking in his eyes. He gives me a slightly sheepish smile before his arms engulf me in a hug.

I am lifted up off the floor in a move a la Derek Morgan; I wrap my legs around his waist for support. It is strange that Spencer decided to touch me first. He never does that.

"Spence?" I ask him. My voice is muffled due to my face being crushed by his sweater vest.

His voice cracks a little when he says, "Emily was right, you are amazing and we never really tell you to your face."

My breath hitches in my throat, "Thanks Spence. You're pretty awesome too."

Spencer puts me down gently and squeezes my hand, "I will see you later Kitty Cat."

Even I notice that my "Bye Spence," is rather breathless.

When the Ambassador is finished ripping the lawyer to shreds, Jen decides that she must also speak with said quivering lawyer. I would feel bad for him, except that now, I am the only other person in the room, not currently talking to anyone. This makes me vulnerable and I start walking towards the door as quickly and quietly as I can. Sadly, the Ambassador spots me, hones in and corners me before I can make it halfway across the room.

Ambassador Prentiss narrows her eyes, as she looks me up and down, taking in my appearance, "Are you are the same child who answered the phone when I called my daughter two years ago?"

I swallow before answering in a hopeless attempt to control my voice, "Yes ma'am."

She frowns at me, "Well, I suppose you cannot really be considered a child although you look like one. How old are you now girl?"  
"Twenty ma'am." I say with as much politeness as possible.

She purses her lips, "Definitely not a child then."

I bite my tongue, "No ma'am."

She bares her teeth at me, in a mockery of a smile, "Emily was right, you are most polite."

My jaw drops in shock, and my words tumble out before I can stop them, "Emily talked about me to you?"

The Ambassador's lips twitch, "Well of course she did, you silly girl. You were practically her roommate and it was imperative that I knew as much about you as possible. I had someone look into you, Emily assured me that you were a smart girl and academically, she was right. You graduated high school top of your class, at fifteen. You graduated with honour and hold two Bachelor's degrees and are about to finish your second Master's thesis. You are fluent in four different languages and from what I can tell you are learning a fifth."

She pauses and I take is as a non-verbal cue that I am supposed to respond so I do. "Yes ma'am I am learning Italian. Emily was-" I cut myself off because of the pain caused by saying Emily's name in this context.

The Ambassador raises one eyebrow, "Just what was my daughter going to do Miss. Jareau?"

Her facial expression reminds me so much of Emily that I am struggling not to cry. I whisper, "Emily was supposed to teach me Russian this summer ma'am."

She tilts her head and looks at me through narrowed eyes, "Well, I suppose I could take up that position if you would have me."

I am shocked and all I manage is a stunned, "Ma'am?"

"You're a smart girl. I want to train you and then I want to hire you," her smile is that of a shark about to catch and eat its dinner.

I'm still stunned but I manage to get out a, "But I'm not finished school yet ma'am. I need to be in school, I want to get a doctorate, or two."

"That does not matter." She says with a slightly gentler smile, "I will take the time to train you this summer and next, or for as long as you need it. Which I expect won't be very long. It would of course be a paid internship. If you are interested, I can hire you and later on you can travel with me to my postings and possibly attend University wherever we end up. I will of course help you pay for your tuition if you don't receive scholarships like you have right now. That is how you are currently paying for your tuition is it not?"

I bite my tongue before I answer, "Yes ma'am that is how I am paying for University. It is a very generous offer ma'am. May I have some time to think about it? I would like to speak with my sister."

"Of course you may have some time, please speak with the other Miss. Jareau," her tone is magnanimous even if her eyes are not. "Not too much time mind you, I will need to know by April first at the latest so that I can arrange everything, provided you agree of course."

"Of course," I echo back. "Yes ma'am, thank you ma'am." I say with a respectful smile on my face.

"Very well. Good day Miss. Jareau," she nods at me.

I nod back, "Ambassador Prentiss."

She turns around and walks away.

I am glad to have my back to the wall because I slide down it all the way to the floor as soon as she exits the room. All I can think of is: _oh god, what have I gotten myself into?_

* * *

I don't go looking for trouble.

Trouble usually finds me.

- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review. What do you think of Ambassador Prentiss? The next chapter should be posted on August 22, 2012.


	6. 147 Days

AN: This is a much longer chapter, I hope you enjoy it :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other character you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 4: 147 Days**

* * *

If you are going through hell, keep going.

- Winston Churchill

* * *

Sunday, March 13th, 2011

It has been five days now, and I still don't have any answers to my questions about what happened to Emily, but I can be patient. I can wait a week or two, more if I really have to. But I would really appreciate some straight answers from anyone on the team. Hell, I'd even take actual answers from Ashley Seaver and I'm still terrified to be around her without Emmy acting as a buffer.

I think we're all going through an extended period of shock. No one can quite believe that Emily is gone. Spencer has been over to Jen's house everyday since the team got back. He doesn't only spend time with me, he also spends time talking to Jen and playing with his godson, Henry.

Somehow Aaron has managed to get the entire team, including Jen, two weeks off and not have it cut into their vacation time. So today we're going to clean up Emily's condo. By clean it up, I mean that the team will take whatever they want and then Aaron is going to take whatever is left over and donate it.

Jen and I meet the rest of the team at Emily's condo. Well, the rest of the team minus Ashley. She said something to Dave about not being comfortable and not wanting to intrude on a private moment. I'm rather pleased; not having to be constantly aware of where Ashley is will make this horrible day a tiny bit better.

Everyone is waiting for us out in the hall. No one has entered the condo yet. Penelope's eyes are still red, Derek looks devastated, Spence looks lost, Dave looks as stoic as ever, and Aaron and Jen's faces are blank. My sister has gotten much better at wearing a mask since she switched jobs. Sometimes I barely recognize her as the sister who used to sleep in Jessie's tree house with me. I can't look anyone in their eyes; I don't want to know what my facial reactions will tell the rest of the team about me.

It is Aaron who prompts me out of my internal dialogue, "Catherine."

"Yes Aaron?" I ask without raising my eyes higher than the door handle.

"We need you to unlock the door sweetheart," he says gently.

I can tell that Aaron is shifting his weight from staring at his shoes. I wonder if he is nervous or sad even though his face doesn't betray any emotions.

I frown in confusion, "What? What happened to your key?"

Oddly enough it's Dave who answers my question for Aaron, "We were waiting for you kiddo. The condo is yours now."

"Oh," my eyes start to water and I sniff a few times, trying to keep the tears at bay.

Jen takes a half step closer to me and I lean on her as my knees threaten to give out.

Maybe I'm being stupid but I never really considered what keeping Emily's condo meant farther than not losing my second home. I didn't think about having to pay the condo fees or the electrical bills. _Oh no! Do I need to change the locks?_ I don't know anything about owning property. I wonder why Jen didn't sit me down and talk to me about this if she's supposed to be keeping it in trust for me. I'll have to talk to her later today or tomorrow.

I take out my key ring from my bag and unlock the door. When I open said door I half expect Sergio to come running up to me looking for treats. I whisper, "Where's Sergio?" when he doesn't.

Penelope hears my whispered question, "Oh Cupcake, I picked him up from the neighbour after I left the last time we were here..." she trails off into silence.

I know Penelope if skirting around the reason why we were all here on Thursday and although the reason is never far from my mind, I am grateful for her tact. I breathe out, "Oh."

Penelope steps up to me and extends her hand until it is halfway between us, "I'm sorry Cupcake. Did you want to keep him?"

I reach out and take the offered hand, "No Pen, it's okay. Sergio will be better off with you; he's still scared of Una."

Derek snorts, "He should be Princess, your cat is massive. She's almost as big as Clooney."

Ignoring Derek's comment, I bite my lip and look up at Penelope, "I can come visit Sergio right?"

"Only if you come visit me as well Cupcake," Penelope squeezes my hand before letting go.

I smile at her briefly before looking back down at the floor, "Of course I'll come visit you Pen."

The team moves into the living room for a few minutes before dispersing out around the condo. Jen enters Emily's bedroom, with an offhand comment about Ambassador Prentiss asking her to fill a box of some of Emily's stuff so that the Ambassador will have something to remember her by. _Shouldn't Emily's mother already have things from Emily's childhood to remember her by?_ I also find it slightly suspicious that the Ambassador asked Jen and not myself since we talked on Friday. From what I remember, Jen didn't talk to the Ambassador at all.

I move to my bedroom and Dave follows me. I stop at the door and turn around to face him.

His voice is low and gentle, "Have you been in here yet kiddo?"

"N-" I swallow and start again, "No."

He frowns, "Why didn't you go to your room on Thursday?"

"It would have been rude to disappear," I mumble.

"No one would have minded if you needed some alone time kiddo," Dave rests his hand on my shoulder.

I twitch at the contact and Dave takes his hand back slowly. I blush in embarrassment, being touched by anyone since I was- since Montreal has been even more difficult than usual. If I see it coming it's mostly okay and I adore the hugs that Spence and Em- that the team gives.

"Do you want company?" is asked in a low, gravely voice.

"No," I whisper, "I need to do this on my own."

"Are you sure kiddo?" he asks, concern colouring his voice.

I frown, "No Dave, I'm not sure."

He looks like he's about to protest or offer to accompany me again so I cut him off.

I keep my face blank and cast my eyes down to the floor. I keep my body tense. I know he is going to be profiling me and I need to look both truthful and nervous, both of which I am, "I do know that if I let you or someone else into this room with me, I will start crying and I won't be able to stop."

He takes a step back and I smile internally in relief. Nothing makes Dave or Aaron back off quite so quickly as the threat of uncontrollable crying.

"Okay kiddo," Dave says and he starts to walk away, "I'll be in the living room."

I take a deep breath, and release it. Then I repeat the process a few more times. I can feel my unease rolling off me in waves. I'm a little surprised that neither Jen nor Spence have shown up to check on me like they have been doing for the past few days.

Looking at the white door is a little bit calming, I smile in remembrance; Emily and I spent an hour debating about whether or not to paint both sides of the door to match. Eventually we decided that painting the door black would look rather odd in Emily's cream and beige condo. The living room, dining room, hallway and Emily's bedroom are the same colours while the kitchen is white with pale green accents.

I open my bedroom door at a snail's pace. The first thing that I notice is that I can see my window, my black-out curtains have not been drawn and the black-out blind is up. I frown, I don't remember leaving my window like that. My bedroom has three completely black walls and a black ceiling. On the fourth wall, directly opposite the bed, I have a mural: a forest in the winter. There is also a silver moon and moonbeams from the moon streaking out onto the other walls and the ceiling. The back of the door has been painted black so that when I close it, it is almost invisible. It's funny how having the door 'disappear' makes me feel safer and not more prone to panic attacks. Emily even made sure to add a small lock on the inside of the door, the same one that I have at Jen's. At the time I thought it was very sweet of Emily to try and make me feel safer in her home, now it just makes me feel hollow.

I lock the door behind me and slide down to the floor, trying to calm my breathing. I don't want to start crying just yet, I need my eyes to be clear so that I can take in my room and see if I forgot anything when I left in a rush that night with Emily. I don't think I forgot anything important, or at least I haven't needed anything I may have forgotten so far.

I frown. Wait a minute; Emily and I had several important conversations that day. We talked about how much Emily wanted me to leave here. I had a panic attack that afternoon so my memory after that is a little fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure Emily said a couple years ago that in case of an emergency she would leave something for me in the pocket of my mattress with our Buffy fanfiction. We stopped writing together soon after that.

I scramble up from the floor and stumble over to my bed because my legs are half asleep. I tear at the bedding, trying to move it out of my way as quickly as possible. Quilt first, then I un-tuck the extra two blankets, the blood-red sheet and the fitted one. Finally I reach the pocket, I pull out all the papers and scatter them across the floor, desperately searching for what must be there. _It has to be here, she promised._ There it is, nestled in between two sheets of white paper is a half page of pale blue, covered in Emily's handwriting.

I lift up the paper reverently and unfold it slowly, the first line makes my breathing hitch.

* * *

_Darling Creirwy (kree-ree),_

_I'm glad you remembered where to look Dawnie._

_Buffy: Dawn, listen to me, listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles… tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. Be brave. Live… for me._

_Spike: I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I'd save you._

_Wait for me Creirwy (kree-ree). I always keep my promises.  
_

_All my love,_

_Emmy_

* * *

_Dawnie, I hate that nickname and Emily knows that fact very well. She hasn't used it for years, why would she use it now?_ I frown trying to remember my Buffy trivia, _how long was she dead for?_ Spike tells her after she comes back to life in season six. I pull my laptop out of my bag and look it up. Buffy was dead for one hundred and forty-seven days. _She comes back._ I do a quick estimate in my head before checking my results against my black cat calendar. Yes, I'm right, one hundred and forty-seven days from when Emily died brings us to August first. Buffy comes back, so Emily must be coming back as well. Why else would she leave a letter for me?

I take time to calm my racing heart and hide the huge smile that doesn't want to leave my face. _Emily is alive!_ She's coming back! She has to be coming back. I just need to wait one hundred and forty-seven days and then Emily will reappear.

It takes me about an hour before I can properly school my face back into a blank mask, but inside I'm still jumping for joy. I can smell coffee as I unlock my bedroom door and it makes me gag. Jen usually remembers that it makes me feel sick, and occasionally causes flashbacks. That means someone else from the team made it and since they don't officially know about the flashbacks, I can't be even a little bit annoyed.

I walk into the dining room, someone saved me the seat upwind of the coffee and there is a tea cup waiting for me, it is very much appreciated. When I sit down, I find out that very few things are actually being taken or given away. Aaron tells me that he doesn't have the heart to remove the furniture or anything else from Emily's condo. The only thing he leaves with is a photograph of Jack and Emily hugging from Emily's birthday party in October. Penelope has taken Sergio and a photo of the whole team right after I was 'rescued' back in November. I never liked that picture but Emily insisted on keeping it on the hutch in the dining room. Dave wants a sketch that Emily had rolled up and hidden behind the couch, I wonder what's on it. Derek looks a little lost, like he doesn't quite know what he's doing here. I have no idea what he carries off, or if he actually takes anything.

The rest of the team is ready to leave but Spencer is still leaning against the doorframe to Emily's bedroom. Even if we weren't already worried, Spencer's decision not to drink coffee would be cause for concern. I walk over to Spence, making enough noise so that I won't startle him. I stop and lean against the opposite side of the doorframe. I take in Spencer's defeated posture and try to follow his line of vision, sometimes being short really sucks. I'm not one hundred percent sure what caught Spencer's eye but if I had to guess it would be one of the two framed sketches, partially hidden by the sheer curtains. I want to tell Spencer so badly but the letter was for me. I really want to keep it to myself for now but I will share my suspicions next time he comes over. And since he should be over tomorrow, I'm really not holding anything back for very long.

I know the two drawings very well, I watched Emily as she drew similar ones. The first black and white sketch one the left, of which Spencer cannot see the details, is of two girls. Well, a teenager and a little girl. The little girl's hair seems fair because there are very few lines to define it. She has a few scattered freckles across her cheeks and nose. The little girl is sitting on the teenager's lap, she is leaning back and there is a huge smile on her face, even her eyes are smiling. The teenager's hair is in complete contrast to the little girl's: there are so many lines her hair actually looks black. The older girl is solemn faced and her arms are wrapped protectively around the small child. The other frame holds two girls in the exact same position but this time, the elder is fair-haired, no freckles, and the little girl has black hair, again not a freckle in sight.

Spencer walks briskly across Emily's room, making a beeline for the pictures.

"Who are they?" Spencer asks gesturing to the first picture.

I smile, "The little girl is me and the teen is Emily."

Spencer furrows his brow; he looks confused, "How did Emily know what you looked like when you were a kid?"

It only takes me a few seconds to come up with a plausible lie, "I showed her pictures."

"Why haven't you shown me pictures?" Spencer asks sounding hurt.

I laugh quietly, "I didn't know that you wanted to see baby pictures of me Spence. You have never asked. Besides, I was sure Jen showed you some naked baby photos years ago in an attempt to embarrass me."

He pouts, "Well she didn't, naked or otherwise."

I snicker, "Fine. Come over tomorrow and I will show you pictures." My eyes sparkle as I add, "Maybe I'll find some of baby Jenny as well," just for my sister's benefit. She's been standing behind us for a few minutes; I'm surprised that Spence hasn't noticed yet.

Spencer smiles at me before gesturing to the other partially concealed sketch, "Who is in the other picture Kitty Cat?"

I frown, "Well, the teenager is me but I have no idea who the child is."

Spencer frowns, "How do you not know who you are holding?"

I roll my eyes, "Spence, it's not really me. I didn't pose for the sketch. Emily drew it. She will know who the dark haired little girl is."

Spencer's breath is drawn in so quickly it makes a whistling sound. He looks at me in horror.

I am very confused, "What? What did I say?"

Spencer cannot answer; he is still staring at me.

"Spence?" I whisper, trying to snap him out of it.

Jen rests her hand on my shoulder. I flinch slightly and she squeezes my shoulder in reassurance, "You said that Emily 'will' know Kitty Cat."

My shoulders slump, "Oh, I'm sorry Spence." I don't wast to make Spencer uncomfortable but for a split second I thought that I had blown my secret already.

Spencer says, "I have to go now," before rushing out of the bedroom. I can hear the condo door shut a minute later.

I turn to my sister, "I didn't mean to Jen."

Jen wraps her arms around me, "I know Kitty Cat, you just weren't thinking."

I mumble into her shoulder, "Can we go home now Jenny?"

She kisses the top of my head, "Of course Princess."

I breathe in quickly in surprise; Jenny hasn't called me Princess very often these past few years. I wonder if Jen is feeling nostalgic, she used to call me Princess all the time when I was little.

Jenny squeezes me tightly before opening her arms and steering me out of the apartment and back to her car.

* * *

I'm staring out the car window, ignoring Jen and lost in thought.

Jen coughs, "Baby are you listening to me?"

"Huh?" not my most eloquent response ever.

Jenny starts chuckling at my absentmindedness.

"What the hell Jen? You haven't called me baby since I was seven-" I cut myself off and shudder. I can feel the blood draining from my face. Memories rise unbidden and my stomach starts rolling.

Jen looks over, her eyes quickly taking in my appearance and the hand over my mouth. She pulls over to the side of the road just as I start gagging.

Scrambling, I unbuckle my seatbelt, pull open the door and jump out. I kneel in the grass at the side of the road and throw up.

Jen comes around the front of the car a few second later, she leans over, and holds my short hair out of my eyes.

I am grateful that Jen doesn't touch my back or any other part of me; my skin feels like it's crawling. I'm shaking and I feel horrible.

Jenny starts babbling even before I'm finished emptying my stomach, "I'm sorry Princess. I'm sorry Kitty Cat. I'm so very sorry Catherine. I wasn't thinking. I'll do better, I promise. I won't ever call you that again."

"'s okay Jenny," I murmur after righting myself.

"No it's not. I'm sorry," Jenny's next inhalation rattles.

I look over at my big sister, my mind registering that she is crying, "I'm sorry Jenny."

She looks at me in shock, "What are you sorry for?"

I mumble, "I lost control. I'm sorry Jenny."

"Oh Princess," she sighs, "It's not your fault. It's mine, I don't know why I used that stupid nickname."

"I know why you did…" I trail off.

She raises an eyebrow.

I look away, "You weren't thinking, you were just trying to get a reaction from me because I wasn't paying attention to you."

"I'm sorry," she whispers. "Can I hug you Kitty Cat?"

I shake my head; the mere idea of physical contact starts my stomach rolling again.

Jenny looks crushed and my heart is breaking for the pain I am causing my big sister.

It takes another twenty minutes before we're back in the car and driving again. Jenny tries to distract me, I am grateful for the distraction just as I am relieved that Jenny hasn't tried to touch me. She says that I should keep everything in the condo exactly the way it is right now and I agree with her instantly. Focusing on Emily being alive is just what I need right now. I don't want to move anything, even the idea of painting the walls a different colour or moving the artwork feels wrong. This is still Emily's condo and so it should be exactly as she left it when she comes back. I can wait for answers, even if I have to wait one hundred and forty-two days to get them directly from Emily.

142 days.

* * *

From beneath you it devours.

- Season 7, BTVS

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review. The next chapter will probably be late since I have partially dislocated a rib and my shoulder.

aperceptionisonlyaperception : Your PM is disabled, thank you for your review.


	7. Penelope Garcia

AN: Not much happens in this chapter, but what does happen is important.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other character you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Penelope Garcia**

* * *

Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary.

I'm so used to you being a grownup,

and then I find out that you're a person.

Giles: Most grownups are.

- Season 2, The Dark Age, Buffy The Vampire Slayer

* * *

Monday March 28th, 2011

It has been twenty-one days since Emily died. To say that everything has changed would be a major understatement. The team is different and Jen is different, hell even I am different and I know that Emily is alive. Her death or disappearance, I can't decide what to call it, has irrevocably changed my family. I don't even know if I can me mad at Emmy for disappearing because I don't have any idea why it was necessary and there must be a good reason, she wouldn't have abandoned us at the drop of a hat.

Today I am supposed to see Penelope for the first time since the 13th when we cleaned up Emily's condo and I found her note. The leave Aaron managed to get for the team and Jen has ended and so they have all been back at work for a few days. I can't bring myself to visit, not that I would be allowed. Things were tense after Montréal and they have only gotten worse since Emmy took off and Jen was called in to help find her and bring her back.

My classes after over, Henry has a play date with one of the neighbours and Jen is going to pick him up after work so I am free for the rest of the day. I take the subway and two busses before arriving at Penelope's latest apartment. She's moved twice since that deputy shot her. I take the stairs, there is no way I'm getting into an elevator with a bunch of strangers and knock on her door instead of letting myself in with my hot pink key.

Penelope answers the door smiling slightly, "Hiya Cupcake!"

I smile as I take in her appearance; Penelope is as colourful as ever, wearing a floral robe and pink slippers. She looks tired though. "So what are we doing today?" I ask as I step past her and pick up Sergio as I enter the apartment.

"Scrapbooking!" she exclaims happily, gesturing to her living room which is completely covered in colourful paper and photographs.

_Oh dear, I think I've spotted Penelope's complete collection of glitter in both glue and tube form._ I walk further into the main room. The pullout couch where I used to sleep before Penelope was shot is completely buried under photographs. I pick up the closest one and take a look, and then I pick up a few more from that pile. I look around a little more and frown, "Penny, why do you have a few dozen pictures of me sleeping? It's a little creepy."

She shrugs, "Not really. You just need to face facts Cupcake; you sleep a lot."

I roll my eyes, "Ha. Ha."

She purses her lips, "You really do Cupcake, have you seen someone about that?"

I shake my head in amusement, "Penelope, how about you try starting your day around three o'clock and then see how tired you are after dealing with annoying undergrads with stupid questions all day."

She snorts.

"What?" I snap.

She sniggers, "You sounded so much like JJ right then. After a long day on a case with no leads when the locals don't want to help and she has to play nice anyway."

I smile. Even at twenty, I still think sounding like my big sister is special and not annoying. I look around the apartment a little more, "So where is Kevin?"

"Oh," she looks sheepish, "Kevin's at his place."

I frown, "Penelope have you seen him in the past few weeks?"

"Of course I have!" she replies indignantly.

I cross my arms, "Where have you seen him?"

"At work," she says decisively.  
I raise an eyebrow, "Have you seen him anywhere other than at work?"

Penelope blushes, "No…"

I sigh, "How many times has he called?"

She frowns and starts counting on her fingers. "Fourty-three times this past week," she answers.

I groan, "Penelope, you can't just ignore your boyfriend."

"I'm not ignoring him, I've just been really busy," she protests.

I move some of the scrapbooking paper off a chair and sit down, "Sit Penelope."

She sits.

I take a deep breath and let it out, "After E-" I cut myself off and try again, "You practically moved in with Derek-"

Penelope opens her mouth.

I cut her off before she has a chance to start, "Wait till I'm finished okay?"

She nods with a frown on her face.

I frown back; I am even more stubborn than she is, "You 'moved in' with Derek before the funeral. You're not answering any of Kevin's phone calls," I glance at her message recorder, "Or the numerous messages he has obviously left you. What do you think that tells Kevin?"

She sighs.

Penelope's cell phone rings.

She picks it up and dismisses the call.

Then the landline rings.

Penelope ignores it; her message inbox is full.

I sigh, "Give Kevin a chance to do the right thing okay? He loves you. He obviously wants to be there for you or he wouldn't have just called."

She looks at me curiously, "How did you know that was Kevin?"

I roll my eyes, "Come on Penelope, I've had the Goddess of Omnipotence and Spencer the Magician tutoring me for the past six years and nine months. I must have picked up something useful by now, other than how to read L337 and do Science Magic."

She smiles at my compliment before her brain catches up with the rest of my statement, "Wait Reid taught you how to do Science Magic?"

I smirk, "Of course he did."

Her jaw drops, "How? He wouldn't tell me or JJ or Em-" she cuts herself off and deflates.

I sigh; the almost happy mood is ruined. I bite my lip, "Do you still want to know?"

She nods silently.

I smile a little, "I traded him a trick for a trick."

She laughs, "Is it really that simple?"

I smirk, "Yes. Although, it might have helped my case to have been holding several of his first editions hostage."

Penelope's laugh is loud and vivacious.

Success, good mood restored. I smile at her, "You call Kevin and I'll start tiding up a bit okay? Then we can start on your project."

She waves a hand at the other half of the room, "The picture boxes are over there. Don't even think about leaving Cupcake."

I smile up at her, "Where could I possibly want to be that is more interesting than here?"

She pats my hand and stands up, "I love you Cupcake. Thank you for that kick up my rear end."

I snicker, "I love you too Penny. Now go call your tech-geek."

She wanders off into her bedroom with her cell.

I clean up and organize the photographs for a little while. I love looking at the pictures of the team. Penelope has thousands of pictures in boxes and scattered across the couch. I can't help but wonder where she got some of these from, maybe off the security cameras at work? That sounds like something she would do, and I can't think of another way for her to have gotten that picture of me. I'm half hidden by the couch in Jenny's office but definitely asleep, curled up in my nest. That particular array of nest colours hasn't existed since the summer I turned fourteen. Derek made it for me with blankets and pillows from Penelope's office.

After the accident my parents were killed in and I started living with Jenny, the nest appeared again. It was wonderful. My nest was somewhere I felt safe, which is something I adored because it doesn't happen very often. I'm not sure who made it but for months the nest was laid out with clean blankets every few days. Even when Jenny made me dismantle it at night before we went home, it would be set up again the next morning when we got back. I never asked who did it because that would ruin the magic, so I just left out chocolate chip cookies for whoever it was.

The nest doesn't technically exist anymore, but every now and again, when the team leaves on a case, the blankets and pillows reappear. They sit on the couch now instead of being a nest on the floor behind the couch. Every single time I see Jenny's couch it makes me smile. For a while, the maintenance workers keep moving it back into place, which is in the middle of the wall, but Jenny or I would always move it back out. Eventually they gave up and now when Henry and I visit Jenny, or when Jack and I visit Aaron, we make forts out of the blankets and pillows behind the couch. We only make forts in Jenny's office though, because Aaron's office isn't as private. He doesn't have enough space for a proper fort since his couch is right in front of the door; it's not very private either.

Penny has another picture that brings tears to my eyes. It was taken right before we left on the BAU jet for Montréal. Emily is carrying my sleeping self down the hall to the bullpen. I slip the double of that picture into my backpack. _Crap, I don't remember falling asleep that day. I really hope that Strauss didn't see Emily carrying me._

The next picture is one I already have a copy of; me curled into Spencer, pretending to be asleep while the team talked. That memory is bittersweet because while I adore the picture, I still don't appreciate being talked about.

Finally a picture where I'm not sleeping, this one is of a family dinner. Everyone attended, even Will and Henry and Jack. This one was taken last year before Christmas, the night before everyone left for the holidays. Emily was going to England, Spencer to Vegas and Derek home to Chicago. Penelope was going somewhere with Kevin and Rossi was flying to Italy I think. Aaron and Jack were going to spend the holidays with Haley's sister while Jenny, Will, Henry and I were going to spend time together. Sometimes being the best team is a good thing, they get first choice for vacation time. I trace all of our faces with my finger. We look so happy. A tear hits the photo and I wipe it away quickly. I close the lid on the picture box; I can't do this right now.

"Sergio Ich vermisse Emmy," **I miss Emmy Sergio. **I whisper to the cat sleeping behind my head on the back of the couch.

He doesn't answer.

I take a quick look around to see where Penelope is. She's still in her bedroom talking to Kevin. Good. Time for a little rudimentary 'hacking', I need to find out what happened to Emily. Even if she is alive and I only have to wait another 126 days for her to come home, my patience is wearing thin. I want to know what happened, I want to know why she took off. I want to know why she ran and didn't talk to her family. The team could have helped her, even if I couldn't.

I pull out my laptop, not the one that Penelope built for my fourteenth birthday, but the most recent one, a Christmas present this time. I log in and work for about five minutes before Penelope stops talking in the other room.

She walks back into the living room. "What are you doing Cupcake?" Penelope looks over my shoulder, "Oh no you are not going to do that." She reaches around me and types something in quickly, and suddenly all my hard won progress is gone.

"Penelope!" I am shocked. She's never cared about hacking before, in fact, she taught me just about everything I know on the subject.

"No," she interrupts me, "I've blocked your access to those files. I will not help you find out what happened to Emily-" she flinches before continuing, "The Strange and Great. You don't need to know all the gory details. Trust me. You don't want to know what really happened."

I am enraged, "Yes I do need to know what happened. For fuck's sake Penelope, I can't sleep at night without nightmares about what might have happened tormenting me."

She frowns at me, "It's been three weeks."

I growl, "Don't you think I know that? How could I possibly forget? I haven't gotten more than a few hours sleep each night, which is more than I can say for Spence."

She sighs; it's not a sound I am used to hearing out of Penelope, "Cupcake. Catherine. You're dealing with this horribly."

I frown at the use of my real name, "And you're not Penelope? This is the first time you've left Derek's house except to go to work since it happened. Until an hour ago, you hadn't talked to Kevin in weeks." I narrow my eyes at her, "And just how would you know just how I'm dealing with it? I haven't seen you since the- since we cleared out Emily's apartment."

"Thinking Emily-" she visibly flinches at the name, "Thinking my Gumdrop, your other mum, is going to come back is not healthy."

I swallow my fear at hearing Penelope call Emily my mum, no one was supposed to know how I felt, damn profilers. Penelope Garcia may not be a real profiler, but she sure has picked up on a lot from her interactions with the team. I frown up at her, "Penelope don't try and start anything with me now. I left school early; I changed my office hours so that we could spend time together. Don't you want to spend time with me?"

Her face softens, "Of course I want to spend time with you Cupcake."

I cross my arms, I don't care that my body language can be read as defensive, "Then please shut up about how I may or may not be dealing."

She opens her mouth to protest.

I hold up a hand, "Penelope, stop please, or I'll have to call Jen right now, while she's still at work, and tell her off for talking to you about something she shouldn't have."

She huffs before saying, "Catherine-"

I interrupt her, "I am 100% serious Penelope. Drop it or I'll leave and I will call Spence to drive me home."

Her hands are out, palm up, "Okay, fine. Don't ask Spencer to drive you home. I'll drop it. But you need to talk to someone Cupcake."

I frown at her, "I have."

She has the nerve to ask, "A real someone?"

"Penelope," the warning is clear in my voice.

She looks so sad but she holds up her hands in surrender, "Stopping now," she whispers.

I try to mend the bridge, "Where is your extra glue stick?"

Penelope shuffles around a little before handing me the yellow plastic tube.

We work for a few hours on scrapbooks of the team. I find myself unsurprised that Penelope already has scrapbooks from the beginning of the team's existence. She has pictures of the team from December 2003, when Jenny joined the team. I don't know how she got those pictures because she wasn't part of the team yet. She joined the BAU a few months later; I think it was in February or March.

It both hurts and begins to heal the hole in my heart to look at and work with the old pictures. I know exactly what Penelope is doing; she is trying to preserve the microscopic hold we, as a family, still have on Emily. She is trying to capture the team as it once was so that she never forgets.

126 Days.

* * *

Je me souviens.

I remember

- Phrase on the Québec, Canadian license plate

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review. The next chapter will be posted on August 28th or 29th 2012. So this chapter is on time because my ribs are mostly better even though my shoulder is not and that means I can actually reach for the keyboard and edit without my entire trunk protesting :)


	8. All My Love, Jessie

**IMPORTANT:** I have created a poll to pick two days a week when I will update after University is back in session (Sept 5th). The poll will be open until September 8th, so please go and vote or review or PM me if you have not already. Thank you :)

PS. I think you're all awesome for reading, reviewing, following and adding my stories to your list of favourites but I just can't justify getting up or staying up till 3:00 to post when I have to leave the house at 7:00 and be awake for my Shakespeare class :) I know that I could update later, but I really can't so I won't be posting on Mondays and Wednesdays. This change in posting dates will not effect my plans to update on the 1st, 4th and 7th of September. Okay I'm done rambling, on to the story :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or post-its. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other character you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 6: All My Love, Jessie**

* * *

Memory is a way of holding on

to the things you love,

the things you are,

the things you never want to lose.

- Kevin Arnold

* * *

Wednesday April 13th, 2011

It has only been thirty-seven days since I was declared dead, but at night it feels like a lifetime.

After Doyle ran me through with that table leg, I died twice: once in the ambulance and then again on the table. I wouldn't have known this but the Ambassador told me when she visited me at Royal Canadian Naval Hospital, in St. John's Newfoundland. I was there under an assumed name, I don't remember much about the hospital because I was only there for a day after I woke up from my medically induced coma. Then I was airlifted to a private hospital in England where I stayed for two weeks before being moved to France. If I didn't know better, I would have thought Rossi had a hand in my going undercover as a Navy Commander. He certainly would have gotten a kick out of it.

When I signed myself out AMA (Against Medical Advice) from the hospital in France I found Abigail and Maura waiting for me in a small three-bedroom cottage on the outskirts of Reims. I was startled to see them because they had previously been hiding in my grandfather's cabin in the French Alps, which is a good nine hour drive away. We only spent a small portion of our time in Reims though, because it's not as safe as hiding in plain sight. Right now we alternating between four different apartments in Paris. Abigail and I are so lucky that Maura thinks all this moving around and secrecy is great fun. Maura loves having a bunch of different homes and a bedroom to herself in all of them. In this, my baby reminds me of my Creirwy (kree-ree); Catherine has a bedroom in each of our family's houses and apartments and she loves each and every one.

I met my handler in Paris earlier tonight. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was one Jennifer Jareau and not some nameless, faceless person. I wonder how Jen explained her absence to Catherine and Will. Maybe she used work as an excuse. Its been a few hours and I still haven't opened the envelope Jen gave me yet, I'm far too nervous. I want to see what's in it but for now, I mean if I don't open it I can pretend that I'm on vacation and that my team my BAU family doesn't believe me to be dead. That this is just like Christmas break a few months ago when I stayed in London.

I miss my team so much; I miss the way Aaron is first to the office and last to leave, and how he always drops everything and goes straight home when Jack calls to say he misses his daddy. I miss Dave's fatherly affection, something my biological father and I never managed to achieve with any real ease. I miss sparring with Derek, my big brother even though he is younger than I am. I miss having nerdy conversations with Spencer, ones that no one else can successfully follow. I miss girl's nights with Penelope and Jennifer and Catherine. I miss babysitting Jack and Henry with the rest of the team when Aaron, Jen and Will need night's off.

I miss Catherine, my little sister, my daughter, my Faerie Princess, but at the same time I'm angry with her. Catherine is the reason why separating from the team is so difficult. Damn her for insisting on first names for everyone when we weren't on a case. It made everything more personal, closer to a real family. After the first six or so months after our first meeting, Catherine attached herself to me and kept reminding me that the team is a family. I gained a shadow, and a little sister for real that day.

The only day that out shines that day (May 31st, 2007), was two years ago on March 20th, 2009; that was the day I finally figured out exactly whom Jennifer and Catherine Jareau are; Jessie's little sister and her Faerie Princess. I'm not sure I could have been any more shocked or elated by the revelation. I waited eighteen years to find out what happened to Jessie's family. I thought of Jessie and her little sister Jenny and their Faerie Princess so often right after Jessie committed suicide and for the few years after that. All throughout University I fought with my desire to contact Jennifer. I wanted so much to make sure that she was all right, that she hasn't succumbed to depression like Jessie.

I drew a series of pictures of the Faerie Princess for one of my art classes in University and used my dreams and my letters from Jessie as reference or template. I needed to pretend that Jessie's Faerie Princess was real. That was why in January 1995, when I finally gave in and used my family name to have someone track down Jennifer Jareau, I didn't ask for any information on her family. I couldn't stand to have my desperate fantasy destroyed.

What I learned relieved me of any concerns I might have had about little Jenny following the same path as Jessie. She was at the University of Pittsburg on an athletic scholarship studying journalism and had a 4.0 GPA (grade point average). I was excited on Jessie's behalf, Jennifer's future looked so bright.

I know now that my dreams would not have been destroyed. I would have known about Catherine who was four at the time. I might have meet Jessie's little Faerie Princess before she was kidnapped, before that monster broke her, because that is what he is, a monster. Maybe if I had stepped up and contacted Jennifer, little Alice Catherine would have been protected. Someone needed to be there to protect her. I know it isn't logical but sometimes I blame myself for what happened to Catherine.

When I graduated Yale early and went on to Georgetown, I was recruited. Well, it was closer to head-hunted than recruited but that doesn't matter right now. After I accepted the position I was asked to fill, I convinced myself not to go looking for Jennifer again, that it would be too dangerous to contact her with the life I was leading.

It really was a shock to realize that the JJ I was working with was the same Jenny Jessie talked about in her letters. I was sure that Jenny would have gone on to be a reporter or news anchor, she really is amazing with the press. I suppose it serves me right for not looking her up once I settled down after working with Interpol. Although I have no idea when I would have found the time, what with working at the FBI, living with Abigail and taking care of Maura.

Hiding Maura's existence from just about everyone was an exhausting procedure. The Ambassador knows and I think this was one of the few times she was happy to help me. Abigail knows, Clyde knows and my mother's personal lawyer knows. That's it; no one else knows who Maura is in relation to me, not even my father. Clyde and Abby even know who Maura's father is. That is part of the reason why Abby agreed to raise Maura for and with me. The other part is that I would trust her with my life.

Abby is Clyde Easter's sister. Clyde is a few years older than us. We met at school when we were sixteen before my mother dragged me off to Ireland with her and proceeded to lock me up in the estate for the better part of eight months. Abby and I weren't the best of friends before I went to Ireland but we were in all of the same classes and we liked the same books. We met up at Yale a few months after I had lost Jessie and Abby became my best friend. We even shared an apartment for three years.

Abby was recruited to Interpol a few weeks after I was and we worked together often. Abby was supposed to be part of the team to take down Ian Doyle. Jeremy Wolfe replaced her at the last minute because Abby's husband Nathaniel died while on assignment. We were never told where he went, or where he died, only that he wasn't coming back. I think it's sweet that she still uses his name even though they were only married for six weeks. It makes trying to locate Abby that much more difficult. There is no way to connect Abigail Winter (the woman who used to be Margaret Easter), to Clyde Easter and all four of us are safer for it.

_Okay, enough reminiscing Emily, time to open the package from Jennifer_. I turn the envelope upside-down above my bed and let everything fall out before carefully replacing said envelope on top of my side table. Three passports and a sheaf of papers tumble out. The passports are Italian, German and French. They go remarkably well with my other three, which are from Canada, the United Kingdom and Spain. The sheaf of papers turns out to be birth certificates, bankcards, and information on my new aliases. I memorize all of the pertinent information before burning the extra paper in my bathroom sink; there is not need for anything to be traceable. I lock up the birth certificates and the bankcards with the bankcards in my portable safe.

I will need to purchase matching passports for Maura and Abby. While they often travel as mother and daughter, the three of us cannot travel together without attracting attention because Maura looks too much like me to be anyone but my daughter. Maybe it's time for Maura to have a new passport, one where she is my daughter again. I have missed that connection, just as I have missed having Maura around.

The three of us lived together when Maura was little and it was wonderful. I could come home at the end of a hard day or a horrible case and see my beautiful daughter. We managed to keep it up for the first year I was part of the BAU. I bought a split-level condo with three bedrooms upstairs and I didn't allow the team to come over to my place. The day after I resigned, when Aaron showed up at my door nearly gave me a heart attack. I was so lucky that Maura, who was having a nap upstairs, didn't wake up when Aaron knocked.

A few months later, Clyde sent Abby a coded message that one of Doyle's men had been found not guilty and released. Things went down hill from there; Abby took Maura back to London with her. Letting my daughter go was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, not even saying good-bye to my family or loosing Jessie hurt more.

I pick up the envelope and open it widely to make sure I haven't missed anything. There is something purple inside. I stick my hand in and pull it out; it's a lilac post-it. Jennifer is the only person I know that has lilac coloured post-its; Catherine gave them to her to liven up her office. I laugh internally at the note, which says; "April 6, Tune in next week, same bat-time, same bat channel." Jen overheard Spencer's, Derek's and my conversation about the original batman television show. We were trying to cast our team as Batman characters. She teased us mercilessly for weeks before we found out that she was the one who provided Catherine's educated on comics and sci-fi movies. Payback is a bitch.

The final line of the note consists of an orange heart and four words that make my breathing hitch uncomfortably; 'All my love, Jessie'.

There is a message in here; I just need to find it. Okay, Batman aired twice a week and no, that's not it. What else? Think Emily think. Batman, what about Batman? I've got nothing except Batgirl or Catwoman, which is what Derek wanted to see me dressed up as. Okay, so it's probably Catwoman and not Batgirl. Now what about Jessie, why on earth would Jen sign love Jessie with an orange heart? Hmm, I've got nothing about that, but I do have an idea when Jen meant for the same time, same place. Today is a week after the date on the note so what ever I'm supposed to it, it is to be done tonight. What about- Oh! Ha ha! I know exactly what I have to do.

I tiptoe silently to Maura's bedroom, which is next to mine, and kiss my sleeping daughter. I say good night to Abby who is reading in her bedroom before returning to my own. Then I turn on my laptop and load the online scrabble game Jennifer and I used to play which I haven't touched since the Doyle incident. I log in as CatWoman, password 062789, the day I met Jessie. The message that pops up on my screen brings tears to my eyes, 'Cheetos_Breath has invited you to play a game.' I would recognize that name anywhere; it was Jessie's favorite nickname for her little sister in her letters to me.

I accept the invitation and type, "You there?" into the little conversation window.

The response of "HIEEP!" makes me cry tears of relief. I have one piece of my family back.

* * *

All changes are more or less tinged with melancholy,

for what we are leaving behind is part of ourselves.

- Amelia Barr.

* * *

AN: Okay, so the plan was for me to introduce Maura near the end of this story, somewhere around chapter 20, but the story needs to be written the way it wants to be written. Essentially, my muse and my writing blocks ran off in completely different directions. Obviously the muse won, because you now have Maura more than ten chapters early. Lucky you :)

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review. The next chapter will be posted on September 1, 2012.

AN3: My ribs are better :) now I'm just waiting on my stupid shoulder which dislocated on Sunday and has subluxed twice since then.

aperceptionisonlyaperception : Thank you for your review and happy belated birthday :)


	9. Derek Morgan

**I have created a poll to pick two days a week when I will update after University is back in session (September 5th). The poll will be open until September 8th, so please go and vote or review or PM me if you have not already. Thank you :) See previous chapter for explanation.**

**IMPORTANT** I've fiddled with Morgan's DOB (date of birth). There is some confusion as to when he was born even in Season Two's Profiler Profiled, so I've given Derek Morgan Shemar Moore's birthday, but made him three years younger. New DOB is April 20th, 1973. This fits with the information on Garcia's computer, which lists Morgan's b-day as June 6, 1973 and Gordinski saying that Morgan was 33 years old.

AN: You just know that Catherine is going to try and get information about Emily's death from Derek :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other character you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 7: Derek Morgan**

* * *

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

- J. R. R. Tolkien

* * *

Wednesday April 20th, 2011

On March 30th, 2011 I accepted Ambassador Prentiss' offer to teach me Russian and train me to be her assistant. I have only had two 'classes' with her so far. It might be a stretch to call them classes right now because first she had me sit down and learn the alphabet and then she gave me a dictionary and a bunch of papers on grammar. We're both really busy right now with her work and my end of semester exams and grading. The Ambassador is going to be stationed in France this summer. She wants me to spend almost six weeks with her in May and June and then another few weeks in July somewhere else, England I think. If everything goes to plan, I will be home for both my birthday and Jenny's.

Speaking of birthdays today is Derek's. He told me that he doesn't want a family birthday supper; I can't say that I blame him. If it was my birthday so soon after Emily's death, I don't think that I would want one either. I think Dave's birthday is next, but a family birthday supper is a non-issue since he never wants one.

Mine is the third birthday, and I'm not sure about anything yet. My exams are over but I'm still grading essays for Professor Vaillancourt. I was a teaching assistant in his class these past two semesters. Since it is a yearlong class, the final essays are rather long, even if it is just an entry-level class.

Derek has been unusually protective since we lost Emily. Every time I visit, I'm not allowed to drive myself; he comes to pick me up and then drops me off wherever I need to go afterwards. Typically this is one of three places: my University, Emily's condo, or Jenny's house. I would almost rather take the bus even though I hate being close to people, because being in cars still scares the hell out of me. And Derek won't let me bring Spence, not since Spence put his left foot through the floor on one of Derek's projects last year. He was stuck for a while and Derek had to break up more of the floor around Spencer to get him out. So it is completely understandable that Derek doesn't want Spence anywhere near his construction sites anymore, not even if Spence stays outside.

Today Derek picked me up from school; we're going to work on his newest property. He wants to have an open floor plan, so we need to knock down some walls. This isn't the first time that I've helped Derek with his houses and I'm glad that other than his more than usual overprotective nature, nothing has changed between us since Jenny left the BAU.

Derek kept my hard hat. I am a little surprised because, it's not just mine, sometimes Emily would use it. I hate it with a fiery passion and at the same time, I adore it. It's hot pink and either Derek or Emily put purple polka dots on it. It has a tiny sticker of a tiara on the front just above the word Princess.

We work for a few hours, making holes in the walls and knocking down drywall. We have to stop occasionally to take water and air breaks. Wearing those annoying facemasks is necessary but they're hot and itchy and make breathing difficult.

So when Derek says, "Come on Princess, time to eat."

My only questions is; "Did you bring food?"

He smiles at me, "Yeah, there are a few sandwiches in the cooler underneath the water."

I pull off my mask quickly, "Okay, I'll got get them. How many do you want?"

He chuckles, "Two, I also need another bottle of water please."

I sigh. I knew that answer already; Derek always has two sandwiches, "Okay, I'll be back in a few minutes." I wrinkle my nose at the dust, "Can you find somewhere cleaner for us to eat Derek?"

He laughs, "Sure thing Princess."

We end up eating upstairs because it is less dusty and it's not quite nice enough to sit outside for an extended period of time yet. When we are almost finished eating, I decide to broach the subject of Emily's supposed death. I know that it will be painful for both of us, but I really need some answers.

I look up at Derek with trepidation, "Derek it's been forty-four days… Will you tell me what happened now? I want to know. Please? I need to know. I-I can't sleep..." I trail off.

Derek holds up a hand, "Princess stop."

I open my mouth to continue.

He is firm, "No Catherine. Close your mouth."

My jaw snaps shut.

"Don't ask me any other questions." He swallows noisily, "When I found her she was in bad shape, I held her hand and that is all I'm going to say on the subject."

"But Derek-" I protest.

"Don't even try it," he growls.

I frown, so much for the Catherine Jareau charm working, _thanks for the false hope Emily._ I wince internally. _I'm sorry Emmy. I didn't mean it like that._

Derek packs away his half-eaten sandwich, "I think it's time for me to take you home Princess."

I sigh, "But Derek-"

He cuts me off, "No buts Princess. Shower time at my place and then you and Garcia and I are going to have a little chat. Then I'm taking you back home to JJ."

I frown at him, "Derek that wasn't what we agreed upon."

He frowns back, "Plans change Princess."

I shift uncomfortably, "Is this about what I said before?"

Derek clenches and unclenches his hands, "Yes and No."

I cross my arms, "Why yes and why no?"

Derek sighs, "Get in the car. We will talk about it back at my house."

I smirk, "Derek this is your house."

He picks me up, "That's enough out of you Princess, time to go."

I struggle, "Let go Derek. Please let go."

"Calm down Princess," says Derek as we walk down the hall.

But I can't calm down, I'm already panicking; my breathing speeds up and yet it still feels like I can't breathe.

"Breathe Catherine," comes the calm steady voice as he carries my down the stairs.

I breathe. Once I get my breathing under control and we are off the stairs, I start hitting Derek's shoulder and back with my fists. I am beyond pissed off, "Put me down this instant Derek Alexander Morgan."

"Ooo! I'm so scared," he says mockingly.

"You should be," I grumble, "When you put me down and you will put me down, I will-"

"You will what?" he asks curiously.

I frown, "I will throw up on you in about two minutes, and then I will puke in your car on the way to your other house for good measure."

Derek laughs and says, "Not my car!" before setting me down on the porch outside the house. He puts his hand on my back and studiously ignores my flinch, "March Princess."

I shake my head, "No."

"Catherine," he says warningly.

I take a step to the right away from him, "I can't Derek. I need a minute to settle my stomach, I wasn't lying about throwing up."

He frowns, "What happened to your iron stomach Princess?"

I roll my eyes, "That's only with eating your strange food concoctions Derek. Not being grabbed and jostled after I've had a perfectly good sandwich."

He snorts.

I frown, "You better not have done anything to those sandwiches Derek Morgan."

He laughs, "Or what?"

I cross my arms and glare at him, "Or I'll call your mama after I throw up and tell her that you made me sick."

Derek looks flabbergasted, "You wouldn't dare."

I smirk, "Try me."

"But it's my birthday!" he protests.

I roll my eyes and huff, "You should have thought about that before swinging me around."

"Oh grow up!" he snaps.

I raise an eyebrow; "Excuse me? What did you just say?"

This time it's a little louder and a little more vicious, "I said grow up!"

I roll my eyes, "You're one to talk, just how old are you today Derek? Thirty-eight was it?"

He looks away.

I whisper, "I win!" and suddenly all the seriousness is gone from our conversation.

Derek rolls his eyes and snickers a little.

The car ride is awkward just like it was this morning, although not entirely for the same reasons. This morning it was awkward because Spence couldn't come with us and I had a minor panic attack in the car. Right now is awkward because I'm unsettled, I don't have Jenny or Spence or Emily. That name still sends a stabbing pain through my heart, even if she isn't dead, she's still gone. _Please come home Emmy. I don't know how I'm supposed to wait another one-hundred and three days._

This car ride is also awkward because Derek and I don't usually argue about anything more important than paint colours for his houses. I know that there is an important and difficult conversation coming up soon. It will only be made trickier for me because Penelope is still half living with Derek. At least she is talking to Kevin properly again, thank goodness. It took me by surprise when Kevin called me a few weeks ago to thank me for talking to Penny.

When Derek parks in the driveway, I almost refuse to get out of the car. But that would be even worse, not only would I prove Derek's comment about me needing to grow up but I would also still be in the car. I don't want to be in the car any longer than I absolutely have to. So I walk quickly up to Derek's house, use my key to get in and take off for the second guest bedroom, the one that is mine when I have to stay over.

Derek says, "Princess?" as I rush out of the car.

I move faster.

Penelope's "Cupcake?" follows me down the hall.

I don't stop to say anything. It's not anywhere close to mature but I can't stand to look at Penelope or Derek right now and I'm pretty sure I have about one or two more minutes before I can no longer control my stomach and I ralph up my lunch.

Derek comes to check on me and he looks really uncomfortable when he sees me leaning against the bathtub next to the toilet. He whispers, "I'm sorry," before backing out and leaving me alone.

Next Penelope enters the bathroom and asks quietly, "Do you want me to stay with you Cupcake?"

I shake my head and whisper, "No."

She looks concerned and I feel bad for being the one to dampen her vibrant mood, "Holler if you need anything Cupcake."

It takes me a few more minutes to regain my equilibrium. I'm not sure I have ever wanted Emily's presence more than I do right now. She always makes me feel better when I'm sick, even more than Jenny. Spence is always too scared to sit near me when I'm throwing up.

After I clean up and compose myself, I follow Penelope laughing down the hall to the living room. I take a quick peak around the corner, Derek is telling her some story from earlier today.

Penelope looks incredulous, "Let me get this straight. Derek, my Cupcake threatened you with your mom and all you could come up with was grow up?"

"Baby Girl-" Derek hold up his hand, trying to stall her.

Penelope rolls her eyes, "You could have at least threatened Cupcake with calling her mama."

Emily, the unspoken word hangs in the air.

My sharp intake of breath ends that train of thought and draws Penelope's attention.

Both Penelope and Derek wince and turn to look at me, "I'm sorry Cupcake, I didn't mean to be so callous."

I turn around and walk out of the house into the backyard. Derek's dog Cooney follows behind me like a second shadow.

It takes a few minutes for someone to follow me out. I wipe away my tears furiously so that they cannot be easily seen. I know that it won't make a difference, but I can't help but try.

Penelope sits down next to me on the swing, "We were going to have birthday dinner, just the three of us. That is why you couldn't just leave… If you would still like to join us Cupcake, you are more than welcome."

My face is carefully blanked when I look at her.

Penelope's lips twitch, "Maybe we'll even let Spencer come get you so that you don't have to go home with my chocolate Adonis."

I smile a little.

Penelope lets out a loud bubbly laugh, "I have no idea why you want to get into a car with him. He's terrifying behind the wheel. JJ thinks he drives like Buffy."

I snicker.

Penelope frowns, "We're not going to get into trouble with JJ for letting you get into a car with Spencer are we?"

I smile softly at her, "No Penny, you won't get into trouble with Jen."

Derek sits down on my other side, "We still need to have that conversation Princess."

I nod once.

Penelope opens her mouth and shuts it again.

I look curiously at her, she is not one to mince words, or ever really be at a loss for them.

Derek frowns, "You need to accept that she's gone Princess. Emily-" he pauses for a minute, "She isn't coming back Catherine. You need to let her go."

I can't help but protest Derek's words. Even though I know he means well I can't just give in, "She will come back, she promised."

"Cupcake," my nickname sounds broken on Penelope's lips.

Derek gets up and sits down next to Penelope, he wraps her in his arms and holds her close while she cries.

I curl into myself on the swing. I hate being the cause of Penelope's tears.

"Princess," Derek whispers.

I can't look up.

"Catherine look at me," he commands.

I lift my head from my knees and look at Derek, tears filling my own eyes.

His voice is kind but the words still hurt, "Catherine Emily is gone, you need to accept that or it will destroy you."

I wrap my arms around my stomach. They both seem so sure, _what if I misunderstood the note? What if Emily isn't really coming back?_ I let out a shuddering breath, "I need to believe that she is coming back Derek. She has to come back. Emily promised that she would. I don't know what I'm going to do if she doesn't..."

Derek's voice is rough, "Oh Princess." He holds out one arm to me.

After considering the offer for a few seconds, I scoot closer to him and Penelope. When I am close enough, I curl into Penelope's right side.

She pulls me into her lap and the three of us stay there, curled up together till the sun goes down.

_Emmy you have to come home._

103 Days.

* * *

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

- J. R. R. Tolkien

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AN2: Thank you for reading please review. The next chapter will be posted on September 4, 2012.


	10. David Rossi

**I have created a poll to pick two days a week when I will update after University is back in session (September 5th). The poll will be open until September 8th, so please go and vote or review or PM me if you have not already. Thank you :) If no one answers the poll, updates will be sporadic because they will depend on my being awake and at the computer at 3 am.**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, or Lilo & Stitch or Star Wars. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 8: David Rossi**

* * *

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

-Mother Teresa

* * *

Sunday May 8th 2011

I'm glad that the team got back from their case a few nights ago, because it meant that Aaron and Dave were back in time to coach Jack's soccer game. It was so cute to see the little five year olds running up and down the field after the ball. Jack's team would have lost horribly if they had been counting goals, which they're not. Everyone went out for ice cream afterwards, which means that the 'loss' didn't effect the kids very much.

I'm glad that Jenny hasn't told anyone about our soccer days. I don't think I would be able to get out of helping if she did and coaching little kids is nothing like reading plays for high school athletes or running around after the ball myself. I don't like thinking about soccer camp, it still hurts so much to remember Beth. Everything has been worse lately, with Emily gone, I don't seem to be able to hold myself together as well as I would like. Knowing that she is alive doesn't calm me down, it doesn't make my emotions stable, instead it makes them even more unpredictable. I don't know where she is. What if she's scared or lonely? She doesn't have her family with her. How can we being her home when we don't know where she is?

Dave and I have had tentative plans for his birthday for the past two weeks. Dave promised me a quiet evening away from loud toddlers. Normally I would just got to Emily's condo to get away from Henry, who is currently the definition of terrible two's, but a homemade dinner that I don't have to cook sounds really nice.

Dave has something to do tomorrow, on his actual birthday, someone to visit in prison I think. I'm not quite sure since the conversation was between Spence and Jenny, I just happened to be in hearing range. So we are celebrating a day early because I'm flying out to meet up with Ambassador Prentiss in France tomorrow.

Dave looks really tired when he comes to pick me up from Emily's condo. This is the first time I will be allowed into Dave's home. He has kept the team out so far; even Aaron hasn't seen the inside. I feel kind of honoured. When Dave invited me over, he said something along the lines of it being okay to invite me over now not just because I was family but also because he wanted to have dinner and talk with me. I have a strong suspicion as to what he wants to talk to me about, probably the same thing that Derek and Penelope talked to me about a few weeks ago. Jenny tried but I shut her down. My big sister has no say in how I cope or don't because I am very much aware that she isn't dealing.

Dave gives me a tour of his home. Dave's house is not a house; it's a fucking mansion. It's huge! A master bedroom plus nine other bedrooms and six full bathrooms, never mind the three half baths, two kitchens and the various other rooms. _Who the hell needs nine bedrooms?_ As we go along, Dave points out various pieces of artwork. Finally he stops in front of a closed set of double doors.

Dave rubs his eyes, "We'll talk after dinner okay kiddo? Right now I think we both need a nap."

I raise an eyebrow, "You're going to have a nap?"

"I'm going to sit down with a book and a glass of wine. If I fall asleep, I fall asleep. You on the other hand my dear look like death warmed over."

I roll my eyes, "Thanks Dave, you sure know how to make a girl feel special."

His smile doesn't reach his eyes, "How long has it been since you have had a full night of sleep?"

I study Dave's face, "How long has it been for you?"

He rolls his eyes, "You first kiddo, I asked first."

I frown, "Will you actually be honest?"

Dave stares into my eyes, "Only if you are Catherine."

I sigh, "Sixty-four days."

Dave winces.

"How long for you?" I whisper.

He sighs, "Two weeks."

I frown at the connection between Dave's words and the setting up of our dinner. _Was he not affected by Emily's death?_ No, he was, he carried her coffin, he looked devastated. "How did do you deal?" I ask quietly.

"After dinner kiddo," his voice is low.

I try again, "Dave-"

He points to the closed double doors, "Sleep."

I frown, "What's through there?"

Dave smiles, "Your room kiddo."

"My room?" I whisper, my eyes getting wider at the implication.

He chuckles, "Yes yours."

I bite my lip. I have to be sure, "Not a guest room?"

He sighs, "Catherine it's yours. Now go to sleep."

"Thank you," I whisper as he turns around and walks away.

I turn the wave handles, and slowly open the cherry wood doors. I turn around to shut the doors and smile at the extra locks. The room is gorgeous; it takes my breath away. The walls are a pale jade green colour, with silver fleur-de-lis embossed onto the wallpaper. The crown molding is white and there is a matching bathroom attached. It even has a sunken Jacuzzi tub and separate shower.

The queen sized canopy bed, which sits against the far wall, is made of cherry wood, just like the doors. There must be a dozen differently shaped pillows on the bed. The bedspread is a silver, jade and black paisley. I set my bag down next to Una's new black and silver cat bed in front of the side table.

The next thing that catches my attention is the small cherry wood table complete with three white candles and three silver candlesticks. _Does everyone know?_ I laugh quietly, _damn profilers._ You can't ever keep a secret from them.

My eyes starts to tear up, I am so touched by Dave's gesture. I now have a room to stay in every single team member's house.

I move the small pillows, of which there are thirteen, to a side table and crawl under the duvet. I pick up the photograph that was resting on the table. It brings a smile to my face; it's a picture of the team from last year at my twentieth birthday.

I don't remember falling asleep but I must have, because I wake up to the smell of lasagna wafting up the stairs and under my bedroom door. I remake the bed after I get out of it and replace all of the little pillows. I unlock my bedroom door and walk quietly down the hall. I can't remember how to get to Dave's kitchen so I follow my nose towards the appetizing scent of lasagna and garlic bread.

When I finally find Dave, he is bent over, looking into the oven in his massive kitchen. There is a huge dish of lasagna sitting on the counter, way too much for the two of us to eat. I never really thought about whether or not Dave could cook, obviously he can.

Dave stands up, holding the garlic bread. "There you are kiddo," he smiles, "I was just about to come find you."

"Hi," I whisper sleepily.

"Are you hungry?" Dave asks kindly.

I nod.

He claps his hands together, "Good, I made lots."

I look at the massive amount of food, "Is anyone else coming?"

"No, it's just us," he frowns, "Did you want someone else to be coming over?"

I shift uncomfortably. "No. I just thought, with the amount of food…" I trail off.

Dave smiles, "The rest of the team will be eating leftovers tomorrow."

I can't help the snicker that escape.

Dinner is a quiet affair. We eat at the island in the kitchen, not the dinning room. Small talk is almost non-existent. There is barely any conversation between the two of us, except to talk about how good the food is.

After dinner we move to Dave's study, it looks like a cross between a library and an office. _I wonder if this is where Dave writes his books?_ Dave brings a bottle of wine and a glass for himself, and I have a glass of apfelschorle, which is apple cider and sparkling water. We settle in with our books, I can't see the title of the book Dave is reading, but I suspect that like the rest of the books on the shelves, including the one in my hand, it is a first edition.

"Dave?" I ask hesitantly.

He looks up from his book, "I can't help you kiddo."

I frown, "Can't or won't?"

Dave puts down his book, "Both. You don't need those images stuck in your mind."

I fidget, "They can't be any worse than what I've already imagined."

He sighs, "The truth can always be worse than the imagination."

"She's not dead," I still feel the need to insist.

"Catherine," says Dave.

I can't remember the last time he called me Catherine before today.

Dave gets up from his chair and kneels down in front of me, "Even if you don't believe that Emily is dead, you need to let her go. It doesn't matter if she's alive or not, she can't be here with us right now. We need to catch the bastard that killed her. That is all that is important right now."

"Tell me what happened! Let me help!" I plead.

He is very firm, "Catherine, we can't tell you anything about the case."

"Dave, please?" I whisper.

"Catherine," he sighs, "You know that I can't tell you anything kiddo."

I cross my arms, "I know. I just wish I could help."

Dave stands up, "I have something for you kiddo."

I bite my lip, "It's your birthday Dave, why are you the one giving me presents?"

He turns back to me, "Presents?"

I shift a little in my chair, "My bedroom and now this."

Dave walks back to me, "Kiddo, your bedroom isn't a present. It's been ready for months."

"Oh," I whisper and duck my head.

Dave raises my chin with a finger.

I avert my eyes.

"Catherine look at me," it is not a request but a command.

I lock my eyes on his.

Dave takes his finger away, "Your bedroom has been ready since mid November."

I shiver at the mention of November.

Dave continues, "That is why I waited. And then, when you felt safer, March came along and well… you get the idea."

"I understand," I whisper.

"Good," Dave smiles at me, "Now don't move, I'll be right back."

I smile, he sounds like Derek.

Dave goes back to his desk and pulls open a drawer. He takes out a small velvet bag and walks back to me.

I curl my knees up to my chest.

Dave pulls his chair over to me and sits down. Dave holds out the bag.

I stretch out my hand and take it. I open the weighted jewelry bag and tip it over so that I can see what is inside. It's a gold necklace with a pendant. No, not a pendant, it's a Gimmel ring, a Celtic symbol of love. Where during the engagement, one-third of it goes to the bride to be and one-third to the husband to be. The ring is joined when they get married. It looks similar to a Claddagh ring, which I know about because Angel gives one to Buffy, with a crown over a heart and held on either side by a hand.

I smile, "Thank you Dave."

"It was Emily's," he whispers, "I think she would have wanted you to have that."

I frown, "When did you find it?"

Dave looks sad, "Right after she left."

I shiver, "Where did you find it?"

His lips twitch, "In the toilet bowl."

My jaw drops, "Excuse me?"

Dave smirks, "Don't worry I disinfected it."

I slip the necklace over my head, "We're not going to get in trouble for you taking this out of evidence?"

"Kiddo," Dave pats my hand, "It was never in evidence."

I frown at a sudden thought, "What did you take?"

Dave frowns, "What do you mean what did I take?"

I cross my arms, "When we were cleaning out the condo, after the will reading. You took something from behind the couch, what did you take?"

Dave smiles softly, "I took a sketch."

I am very curious. I hadn't noticed anything missing from Emily's sketches and I had previously assumed that I had seen almost all of them; "What had Emily drawn on it?"

Dave's smile widens, "I'll show you." He stands up and walks back to his desk.

I frown in confusion, "Dave, how did you know it was there? Did you find it when you and Derek were searching Emily's condo?"

Dave opens a set of doors in the cabinet behind his desk and pulls out a tube, like one used for a painting. He turns around to look at me, tube in hand, "Kiddo, you know that Emily's condo is yours now. You're not being disrespectful if you call it yours and not Emily's."

I frown, "Dave it is still Emily's condo."

He sighs.

"You didn't answer my question," I prompt.

"Yes," Dave smiles slightly, "I did find it when Morgan-"

I cough.

Dave rolls his eyes, "When _Derek_ and I were searching Emily's condo after we noticed her disappearance."

"Dave?" I ask while biting my lip.

He looks up, "Yes Kiddo?"

I smile sweetly at him, "May I please see the sketch now?"

Dave laughs quietly and hands me the tube, "Sure."

I open the tube and unroll the parchment. The air in my lungs disappears when my eyes land on the sketch. It is filled with people, it's not by any stretch of the imagination complete, but the outlines are there. It's the team, it's always the team, but this one is special. This one has everyone in it; Aaron, Dave, Emily, Derek, Jen, Spence, even myself, Henry, Jack and Will are represented. Tears start to fill my eyes, Emily's sketch is entitled Family. I notice a small note in the bottom corner where Emily should have signed her work, it says; 'Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten.' Happy Birthday Dave! I start to laugh.

"What's so funny kiddo?" asks Dave.

I stop laughing, "When did Emily have time to watch Lilo & Stitch?"

Dave frowns and looks confused, "Lilo and what?"

"Lilo & Stitch. It's a Disney movie that came out on my birthday in 2002."

Dave smiles, "Did JJ take you to see it?"

I blush, "Yes."

He laughs.

I feel the need to defend myself, "We also saw Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones."

Dave laughs harder, "It's okay kiddo. Really, you don't need to justify your choice of movies to me, but I might need to tell the team about JJ going to see a Star Wars movie."

My laughter is interrupted by a huge yawn.

"Bedtime kiddo?" asks Dave quietly.

I look over at the grandfather clock in the corner of Dave's office; it's just past 11 o'clock. I have just enough time to shower and set up the candles before I pass out from exhaustion.

"Yup," I stand up and whisper "Good night Dave," as I walk out of his office.

Dave's call of, "Good night Kiddo" follows me down the hall.

After my shower I dry my hair and put on my favorite pair of pajamas: one of Spence's t-shirts, and a pair of cotton pants covered in cupcakes from Penelope. I exit the bathroom and walk over to my bag, which is still on the floor next to the bed. It takes me a few minutes to locate my lighter, when I do; the inscription brings a smile to my face. The lighter was a Christmas present from Derek two years ago. The inscription isn't anything special, just my name and 'set the world on fire.' I spin the flint-wheel and slowly light three candles, one for Jessie, one for Emily and one for whomever Emily used to light her candle for._ Please come home soon Emily because I miss you. I hope you're all right. I love you. Good night Emmy._

84 Days.

* * *

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it."

- Mother Teresa

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AN: Thank you for reading, please review. The next chapter will be posted on September 7, 2012. Don't forget to vote!


	11. Spinning Reminiscence

**IMPORTANT:** I have created a poll to pick two days a week when I will update after University is back in session (Sept 5th). The poll will be open until September 8th (tomorrow), so please go and vote or review or PM me if you have not already. Thank you :)

AN: Thank you for your reviews :) Now, back to Emily. References are made to my other story Maybe Baby, and by references I mean SPOILER ALERT.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

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**Chapter 9: Spinning Reminiscence**

* * *

By three methods we may learn wisdom:

First, by reflection, which is noblest;

Second, by imitation, which is easiest;

and third by experience, which is the bitterest.

- Confucius

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Tuesday May 10th, 2011

My mother doesn't exactly have contact with me, but she doesn't _not_ not have contact. In other words, she knows how to get in touch with me. So while I cannot say that I am surprised to see another letter written in my The Ambassador's handwriting and addressed to one of my alias' waiting for me inside my latest apartment, I am concerned.

What I wouldn't give for a chance to go for a walk outside and not have to look over my shoulder. It seems increasingly unlikely that that will ever happen, it certainly hasn't in the past twenty plus years. First, Jessie's death and being worried that her little sister Jenny might find the letters and contact me. Don't get me wrong; I would have loved a chance to help Jennifer out with Catherine, but after Jessie died I was a mess, I threw myself into University life and my art classes and eventually it paid off. I received A+'s across the board, as was expected of me as an Ambassador's daughter, and my sketches improved dramatically.

Drawing was therapeutic, it still is. I drew tons of pictures of Jessie, and her Faerie Princess. I also drew a few pictures of a young Jennifer from memory. Remembering the day I met Jessie still hurts, but it hurts less than a few years ago. Maura may be my reason for living, but meeting Jennifer and Catherine reminded me that it's okay to hold on to someone, provided you move on with your life.

That day after I left Jessie's house, I drove home and had dinner with the Ambassador. That night I went outside to the tree where my swing was hung. It's probably the only thing I really missed as a child when I was on assignment with the Ambassador. I buried the paper with Eris Dree, my unborn daughter's name under the swing. Jessie was right; I did feel a little better afterwards but I haven't been back out to that swing since. Not even after I told Dave and Catherine. If I ever make it state side again, I think I should visit her.

Being 'recruited' was first, and then joining the FBI, which followed shortly after, didn't serve to make me any less paranoid. That led to my position working for the Interpol task force and Ian Doyle. No, I don't want to think about Doyle right now. That son of a bitch tried to kill me. Well, I suppose he didn't just try, he succeeded. Since all my BAU family knows is that I'm dead, that that bastard bested me. Not even when Ian and I were working together in Europe did he ever beat me at anything. The one time it actually mattered, I lost.

This really sucks. Playing online Scrabble with Jen is great, it makes me feel connected but I just want to go home.

I start read the letter; I realize my mother is in France. This is both surprising and not: The Ambassador was stationed in Paris, before she, Jen, and Hotch, along with someone higher up the command chain faked my death, but I didn't think the Ambassador would actually contact me. The rest of the letter makes my blood run cold and boil at the same time.

One on hand, Catherine being here in France is really good for her. I know that she has wanted to visit for a long time, and I promised that I would take her once she finished her second Master's thesis. On the other hand, Catherine being here with my mother is a bad, no, not bad, a horrible idea. _How on earth did my mother manage to get her claws into my little sister, my surrogate daughter? How could Jennifer let that happen? _She knows what my mother does to people on a regular basis.

What is the Ambassador thinking! Fuck! They're going to be in England at the end of June. Is it even safe? She is going to drive me nuts with her letters. _Think rationally Emily: _it must be safe if the Ambassador is telling me about it. I think I'm going to have to find a way to see my mother and find out what it is exactly that she wants from me. She probably wants to see Abby and Maura as well, but I will not give her the satisfaction.

I want to see Catherine so badly. I want to make sure that she's okay. This can't be easy for her, or the rest of the team. Maybe my mother will tell me- No, I can't go there, it's exactly what the Ambassador wants. She wants me to ask her for help, for information. I can do this on my own. I will do this on my own. I will find Catherine. I won't let anyone see me.

I wonder if Abigail and Maura want to go back home for a while? I think we could swing it; the three of us just won't be able to travel together. Wait, maybe we could. Doyle's people might still be looking for me, even if they think I'm dead. I fooled him once. How does that saying go? 'Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.' Yes, I think that's right. Doyle's men will be looking for a single woman, definitely not a woman and a child or two women and a child. I just don't know if I can risk them like that, Abby is the only sister I've got left, Jennifer doesn't count right now, and Maura… no, stop. We'll cross that bridge only if we have to. Their safety is paramount. It trumps everything, even my desire to see Creirwy (kree-ree).

* * *

A photo says, you were happy, and I wanted to catch that.

A photo says, you were so important to me that I put down everything else to come watch.

- Jodi Picoult

* * *

Friday May 27th, 2011

I have been playing a lot of online Scrabble with Jennifer these past few weeks; it is a lifesaver when I wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares of Doyle going after my family. When I was trying to figure out the time difference last night after a particularly graphic nightmare, I found out that Jen has been naughty; she has been playing Scrabble with me while at work. Somehow, knowing that Jen could get in trouble makes the gesture sweeter.

It took me about two weeks to get Catherine's routine down to a tee. I wanted to be thorough and not rely on my mother's written itinerary. When I get home, I really should talk to her about varying her routes more, anyone could follow her and she wouldn't notice. Actually, I should speak to the Ambassador relatively soon about the vigilance of her guards. Even if Catherine has never really had to think about something like that before, the guards should know better. I mean we've talked to her about it, and she does vary her routes at home, but moving around in a city you don't know is always more difficult.

Seeing Catherine walking around Paris on a day trip to the Louvre with one of the Ambassador's female guards made my heart ache. It made everything real; she really believes I'm dead. Catherine is very pale and she looks like she hasn't slept in a week, but she was smiling at the art. I discretely snapped a picture. I wanted something to prove later on that Catherine really was here, that I wasn't dreaming.

I followed them around for a few hours after they left the museum, just basking the knowledge that part of my family is safe. Ian Doyle won't be looking for Catherine in France. Actually, if I'm really lucky, he won't be looking for her or the rest of my team anywhere. If Ian thinks that he has won, and if I'm being honest with myself, he has won, for the time being. Then he won't be watching my family too closely.

When one of the guards brought her to the market and someone grabbed Catherine from behind, she had a panic attack. I nearly broke cover to comfort her. Thankfully she managed to pull herself together and the guards rushed her off back to the car. From there they probably returned to the embassy while I returned to the small apartment we are currently using.

When I arrived 'home', my darling Maura promptly attached herself to me and refused to let go until bedtime. I carried her everywhere. That was a few hours ago, my baby girl should be sound asleep by now. Sometimes Maura reminds me of what I believe a younger Catherine would have been like, before she was kidnapped, and it makes me horrible to know that the rest of my family thinks me dead.

I met with the Ambassador yesterday. Well, really, I met with my mother. It is an interesting concept, to have her as my mother and never really associate her with that particular word. I hope my relationship with Maura never gets to the point where she doesn't think of me as her mother. Maura is the most important thing he ever gave me. She is my world, I'm not sure if I could cope with losing her.

I am almost grateful for all of my undercover experience because it makes tracking various people and disguising myself so much easier. When I met with my mother she didn't recognize me at all until I started speaking with her in Arabic. Our conversation took all of ten minutes and in it the Ambassador checked on my health and that of Abigail and Maura while simultaneously attempting to provoke me. She was talking about Catherine being hers now, which Creirwy (Kree-ree) isn't, and demanding to see her granddaughter.

Catherine does not belong to my mother. She will never belong to my mother if I have any say in the matter. My mother uses people for everything and anything useful to her, and then she discards them, this will not happen to my Creirwy (Kree-ree), or my Maura. They will both be protected. _How could Jennifer let Catherine stay with the Ambassador for most of the summer? I don't care if this might help Catherine later on, Jen should know better._

I agreed to let my mother see Maura while Catherine is back in Washington DC for her birthday. I hate myself for trading the time my mother wants to spend with Maura for information on my BAU family. I need the information but I can't help but feel the need for several more showers. Making a deal with my mother is like making a deal with the devil. You get what you want, but somehow dealing with the Ambassador always makes whatever you asked for seem worthless.

Maura, my darling Maura, loves her mémère. The few months spent in Quebec two years ago really paid off because that name makes the Ambassador cringe every single time Maura calls her by that name. And yet, the Ambassador doesn't tell my baby to stop. It makes my mother seem almost human, compared to her usual reaction to being called by an informal pet name. I remember one time when my Father called her Lizzie; I swear that her eyes were shooting lasers. Then she chewed him up and spat him out. I don't think I have ever seen my father as scared as he was in that moment.

I'm not sure I have ever been more grateful that the world doesn't know Maura exists than I was after I had that conversation with Doyle back in February, when he threatened to kill my BAU family and promised to kill me. Sure I was worried about the team and Catherine and that he would kill me and leave Maura without a mother, but I was also very grateful that I had hidden Maura with Abby years ago.

I remember the conversation Abby and I had that day, Clyde had called her earlier that day while I was at work. I had just resigned from the BAU that morning. I didn't want to work for Strauss and spy on Hotch, the team (my new family). It was fortunate that I did because Abby looked so very scared when I arrived home. Abby said we needed to leave immediately, so we sent Maura upstairs to begin packing her toys so we could talk.

Clyde had told Abby that someone had hacked one of Interpol's files about JTF-12, a case that Abby, Clyde and I were involved in a few years before Doyle in Prague. This was nothing new; someone was always looking to get information on clandestine operations, but that time they managed to get a significant amount of information. Poor Abby was absolutely terrified because Matthias, her husband had been part of that team and this hacker managed to get information on both Abby and Matt.

Abby and Maura were upstairs packing when Hotch showed up at my door. I was torn, I didn't want to just pack up and disappear, I really liked my new found family, but I also didn't want to leave Abby alone. I told Hotch that I needed to lock up and would meet him at his car with my go bag in a few minutes. Abby gave me her blessing to help my team, I said good-bye to Maura and we split up. Abby and Maura took the next available flight to Canada and I went to Milwaukee Wisconsin with Hotch to meet my team.

After the hacker was caught, Abby and Maura were supposed to come back but something always came up, whether it was an unsub or my father checking in. There were always threats to our safety. At one point, Clyde told Abby that someone had been asking questions about JTF-12 the task force we were part of to catch Ian Doyle. That was when Abby and I decided that it was far too dangerous for Maura to stay with me, just incase Doyle ever escaped his prison camp in Russia. It didn't seem likely, but with Ian Doyle, one can never be too cautious.

Eventually we decided that it would be best to hide Maura's existence. Hide her even more than she was already hidden. I sent my baby away with Abby to England, were Clyde could watch out for them. At the time, there was no one else I would trust to look after my baby. Even now, the only decision I might change would be to keep Maura with me and go hide in my grandfather's cabin in the French Alps. It would have been horrible for both of us, but I wouldn't have missed four years of my baby's life. Talking on the phone and seeing each other at Christmas is not nearly enough.

I have hated that decision every day since I made it, but there is no way to take it back. I have to make the most of what I have, and right now, I have my six-year-old daughter sleeping in my bed. I didn't hear her come in, some spy I am. I love Maura with all that I am. She is everything to me. As much as I love Catherine and my BAU family, as important as Abby and Clyde are, Maura is the only person I would willingly give up being Emily Prentiss for. I would become anyone she asked me to be. It's funny how Abby has raised my daughter more than I have, and yet Jessie was right; I am Maura's whole world.

Maura is mine and I would and will do anything for her, even if that means hunting down Doyle and killing him. I just don't know how I can leave her again. How can I leave my baby girl, my sea goddess, my Maura to hunt down that monster? I know that Jack understands that Hotch catches bad guys and Maura understands that as well, but Maura also knows that something went wrong. My baby knows that I wouldn't be here if everything was all right.

I pick up my daughter and cradle her in my arms, the way I used to when she was a baby.

She stirs but doesn't wake up completely.

I rearrange Maura in my bed and lie down next to her.

"Maman?" she whispers, still half asleep.

"Oui chérie?" I whisper back.

Her little hand wraps around my thumb, "Please sing to me."

I sigh, "Maura, it's really late and I'm tired."

Her bright blue eyes snap open, "Please mommy?"

I have always had trouble saying no to those eyes so I close my eyes and ask, "Which song do you want to hear mon amour?"

"The one you sing for Creirwy (kree-ree)," she says firmly.

I frown internally; of course she would pick that one. I have been telling Maura about Catherine and the team for years. "Maura are you sure?" I ask hesitantly.

She is fully awake now, "Oui Maman. I want the song about the ponies."

I bite my lip and try to get out of singing that song, "Maura are you sure that you don't want one of the songs Catherine sings for Jack and Henry?"

She pouts, "Non Maman, I want the song you sing for your Creirwy (kree-ree)."

I give in, "Alright Maura."

"Hush-a-bye, don't you cry

Go to sleep little baby

When you wake, you shall take

All the pretty little horses

Blacks and bays, dapples and greys

Coach and six little horses

Hush-a-bye, don't you cry

Go to sleep little baby"

I am undeniably grateful when Maura falls asleep before I finish the song, because it means that my baby doesn't hear or see her mother cry herself to sleep again.

* * *

What I need is the dandelion in the spring.

The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction.

The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses.

That it can be good again.

- Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review. Okay so there was a problem this morning. I'm not sure what happened but I uploaded the chapter and it didn't appear for you. I'm sorry, not quite sure what happened.

**IMPORTANT** With University back in full swing, I can no longer update as frequently as I have been. However, I should still be able to update at least once a week, possibly twice. Please remember to vote if you want to have a say in when I update :)


	12. Aaron Hotchner

AN: Just a side note, Aaron bought a new house for him and Jack to live in because he didn't want anything tainted by Foyet's memory.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine along with any other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 10: Aaron Hotchner**

* * *

One need not be a chamber to be haunted,

One need not be a house;

The brain has corridors surpassing

Material place.

- Emily Dickinson

* * *

Saturday June 18th, 2011

"Catherine! Catherine! Catherine!" exclaims an excited Jack Hotchner as he throws open the front door.

"Jack! Jack! Jack!" I tease.

"You came!" says the excited little boy, a wide grin covering his face. As soon as I get close enough Jack wraps his arms around my legs.

I smile at Jack, "Of course I came over Jack. You called and asked me didn't you?"

Jack tilts his head, "Yes, but I thought you had school."

I run my fingers through Jack's hair, "Liebling, it's June. My school was over in April. Do you remember?"

Jack wrinkles his nose, "Yeah, I remember."

"Now Hans, what is the rule about opening the door?" I say squatting down after unwrapping Jack's arms from my legs.

Jack frowns, "I'm not supposed to answer he door by myself. I have to wait or daddy or another adult. But Catherine I opened the door before you could knock. I saw you!"

I pick up Jack and holds him tightly, "I know you did liebling, but you still need to follow the rules okay?"

"Okay," he says quietly, resting his head on my shoulder.

I enter the Hotchner residence, closing and locking the door behind myself.

"Catherine?" asks Jack.

"Yes Jack?" I reply.

He lifts his head, "Will you play soccer with me?"

Everything has been about soccer for Jack since April. I smile, "Sure liebling, but how about we find your dad first?"

"Why?" asks a curious Jack.

"Well I have to say hello, don't I?" I poke his stomach gently, "I already said hello to you Hans. I don't want your dad to feel left out."

Jack sighs, "Oh, right…." Then he looks at me hopefully, "But you'll play soccer with me after right?"

I smile, "Yes." She puts Jack down, "Why don't you go find your soccer ball and meet me in the back yard?"

"Okay!" yells Jack as he takes off running.

"No running Jack!" I call out after him.

* * *

I walk upstairs to Aaron's office. "Hi Aaron," I whisper, not wanting to startle him.

Aaron looks up from his laptop and smiles, "Hello Catherine. Thank you for coming over to watch Jack on such sort notice. I'll be leaving for the office in a few minutes."

I smile back, "It's not a problem Aaron."

Aaron starts packing up his case files and laptop, "I left some sandwiches in the fridge for lunch and I should be home in time for dinner. I just need to double check a few things before I deploy."

I frown, "I could have made lunch Aaron."

"I know you can Catherine," Aaron smirks, "I also know that Jack likes to help you cook. Which is why the two of you are making dinner."

I laugh, "You know if we let Jack pick dinner we'll end up with Mac and Cheese again."

Aaron smiles, "That's fine. Jack and I haven't had Mac and Cheese since you came over last time." Aaron crosses his office and rests a hand on my shoulder, studiously ignoring my flinch. He whispers, "It's good to have you home again."

I smile up at him, "It's nice to be home."

Aaron frowns, "Six weeks is a very long time."

I am puzzled, "Aaron?"

Aaron pats my shoulder gently and says, "We can talk when I get home tonight Catherine."

"Sure," I answers, still rather confused.

Aaron picks up his bag, "Now, where is Jack?"

I look at my watch and answer calmly, "He's probably waiting for me outside on the back step by now."

Aaron raises an eyebrow and smirks playfully, "And just why is my son waiting for you this time?"

I smile, "We're going to play soccer."

Aaron frowns, "There was a thunder storm last night Catherine. There are a lot of puddles in the backyard."

I wrinkle my nose, "I don't remember hearing thunder."

Aaron smiles, "Maybe you slept through it."

I shrug, "That's possible, I was really tired."

"Let's go downstairs and I will say good-bye to Jack," says Aaron as he walks out of his office and down the hall.

* * *

I scoop up Jack as I walk back towards the house, "Bath time Liebling."

Jack shakes his head, "I don't want to have a bath."

"Jack, we played soccer, you're caked in mud," It's so very true. I washed his face earlier, but his clothes are still completely covered. So am I for that matter.

He shakes his head, "No."

"Jack," the warning is clear in my voice.

"No," he says quietly but firmly.

I frown, has he always been this difficult?

"No!" he practically shouts.

I try to hold in my snickering, "You took a bath in the mud, why not in the water?"

"No, no, NO!" Jack tries to stomp his foot, but can't because I'm still holding him.

I chuckle, "You're starting to sound like Henry."

He glares at me.

I shrug, "No bath, no story."

That gets his attention. Jack looks up with a contemplative look on his face, "What about a song?"

Okay, so I am getting somewhere. The little bugger is trying to manipulate me, but I am the queen of parental manipulation. My lips twitch, "No song either."

He glowers, "Okay but you can't come into the bathroom with me."

I frown, "Jack, why can't I go into the bathroom with you? I always wash your hair for you."

"You can't come in because you're a girl," he says simply.

"That never bothered you before…" I trail off, something is niggling in the back of my mind.

Jack crosses his arms; "I want to do it by myself. I want," he stumbles on the word, "Pri- privacy."

I would face-palm if I could, but my arms are currently holding one mud-covered little boy: Five years is usually the time when little kids figure out that they want privacy in the bathroom, or when getting dressed. "All right Jack," I give in slightly, trying to think how I can make this easier, "What if you had a bubble bath?"

He tilts his head, still frowning, "I don't want bubbles today."

I frown slightly, "What about a shower?"

He shakes his head and says a quiet, "No."

I sigh, "You can have a bath by yourself, but you need to keep the door open a bit. So that I know if something is wrong, and I still need to wash your hair."

Jack sighs and nods.

I have won, even if it was a compromise.

* * *

After Jack's bath and my shower, we get started on dinner. Which is of course, Mac and Cheese with strawberries and blueberries for dessert. Jack starts on Aaron's Father's Day card while the Mac and Cheese is in the oven. He has to run upstairs to hide it in his room when we hear Aaron pull into the driveway.

"Daddy!" yells Jack as he rushes down the stairs.

Aaron greets him, "Hey buddy!"

"Daddy we made dinner!" exclaims Jack as he drags Aaron towards the kitchen.

"Really, what did you make?" asks Aaron, even though he already knows the answer.

"Mac and Cheese!" shouts Jack.

Aaron scoops Jack up into his arms, "Are you hungry buddy?"

"I'm starving daddy," Jack informs his father with a huge smile on his face.

Aaron smiles at me, "Hi Catherine."

I smile back, "Hi Aaron. Dinner is just about ready."

"So what did you do today buddy?" Aaron asks Jack.

"We played soccer!" Jack waves his arms around, "I moved like this and Catherine moved like that and then I scored a goal!"

"Way to go buddy!" Aaron smiles at Jack before giving me a knowing look

I shrug with a smile on my face.

"Then I played in the mud puddles!" Jack exclaims before pouting, "Daddy, Catherine made me have a bath."

Aaron chuckles, "Well you certainly look cleaner than this morning buddy. I'm glad you took a bath."

"I didn't want too," grumbles Jack as the timer for the Mac and Cheese dings.

* * *

After dessert Jack says good night to Aaron before slowly making his way upstairs to put on his pajamas.

Aaron turns to me with a frown on his face, "How on earth did you get Jack to take a bath? He usually throws a fit."

I raise an eyebrow, "And you put up with that?"

Aaron rolls his eyes, "Of course not. I just pick him up and put him in the bathtub."

I laugh, "Way to go Aaron!"

He smiles, "How did you do it?"

My lips twitch as I try to keep a straight face, "No bath, no story, and no song."

Aaron bursts out laughing, "I'll have to try that."

* * *

I walk into Jack's room and sit down on the rocking chair, "Liebling did you finish your Father's Day card?"

Jack smiles up at me, "Yes Catherine."

I smile back, "Good. You should hide it, and then it's time for bed."

"I'm not tired," protests Jack as he hides Aaron's Father's Day card under his pillow.

I frown, "Well how about we both get into your bed and lie down and I'll read to you?"

Jack's question of, "Can we sit in the rocking chair instead?" brings tears to my eyes. Jack hasn't particularly liked sitting in the rocking chair since Haley died.

I whisper, "Sure liebling." Then I sit down and hold my arms open for Jack.

He scrambles up onto the chair and curls into me.

"Story or song first?" I ask after kissing the top of his head.

"Song," is his prompt reply.

I move Jack so that we are both comfortable, "Hänschen klien or Au Claire de la Lune?"

"Both!" says Jack as he rests his head on my shoulder.

I chuckle, "Alright liebling." I take a deep breath before starting to sing:

_Au clair de la lune_

_Mon ami Pierrot_

_Prête-moi ta plume_

_Pour écrire un mot_

_Ma chandelle est morte_

_Je n'ai plus de feu_

_Ouvre-moi ta porte_

_Pour l'amour de Dieu_

_Au clair de la lune,_

_Pierrot répondit:_

_Je n'ai pas de plume,_

_Je suis dans mon lit._

Jack whispers, "I love you Catherine," into my collarbone right before he falls asleep.

I kiss his head, "I love you too Jack."

I tuck Jack into his bed and turn on his nightlight before shutting the door part way and walking down the hall to meet Aaron in his office.

"Aaron?" I whisper as I sit down on the chair opposite the couch where he is sitting.

He sighs, "No Catherine."

"No what?" I frown, "I haven't even asked anything yet."

Aaron rubs his eyes, "No, I will not tell you what happened to Emily."

I half pout half frown, "That wasn't what I was going to ask. I know you can't talk about it."

Aaron raises an eyebrow in disbelief, "What were you going to ask then?"

I tuck my legs under me, making myself a smaller target, "I only got home last night; the time difference is screwing with me. I'm too tired to drive home." I bite my lip, "I wanted to sleep in my bed here. If that's alright with you…" I trail off.

Aaron's face softens, "I'm sorry Catherine." He looks at his watch; "It's three o'clock in France right now, how are you still awake?"

My lips twitch, "The Ambassador keeps odd hours. I'm only an hour or so past my usual bedtime. Aaron… I know that you had grief counseling today with Spence, Penelope, Derek, Dave and Ashley." I bite my bottom lip, "Did you talk to Jenny?"

Aaron sighs, "No Catherine, I didn't talk to JJ today. You know that I can't because she isn't part of the team."

"But Aaron-" I protest.

"No Catherine," he says firmly.

I am annoyed and I snap, "Will you stop saying no and let me talk! Please?"

Aaron frowns, "What did you want to say?"

I frown back, "First off, Ashley isn't part of the team anymore either, so you can't use that line as an excuse." I sigh quietly, "I really just wanted to know if you could talk to Jenny as a friend? She needs to talk to someone Aaron. I've been away for six weeks and even I know that she's up at odd hours. She's been playing online scrabble again, she never does that unless she's upset. She used to play with Emmy after a difficult case when she couldn't sleep…"

Aaron sighs, "Catherine."

I cross my arms in defiance, "No Aaron. Jen needs to talk to someone and so do you."

"Catherine?" my name is a question.

I close my eyes for a moment before answering, "I know that you haven't talked to anyone Aaron."

His eyes are narrowed, "How would you know that?"

I roll my eyes, "Because you're you. You have this twisted idea that being strong means not talking about what's bothering you. You seem to think that by stomping down on your emotions, you will be stronger for the team."

Aaron opens his mouth.

I cut him off before he can say anything, "Don't talk yet Aaron, I'm not finished. You need to talk to someone: Me, Dave, Jenny, anyone will do really. If you don't talk soon, you're going to explode. Aaron just pick someone and talk about what happened to Emily. Please?"

Aaron frowns, "Catherine, it's not that easy. I-"

I interrupt him, "Aaron if the next words out of your mouth are not an agreement I don't want to hear them."

Aaron sighs, "Catherine I can't."

I sigh in frustration, "Okay, I'm going to bed. Good night Aaron."

"Good night Catherine," he whispers from his position on the couch.

I stop in the doorway to Aaron's office, "You're leaving again on Wednesday. You're going to fucking Pakistan Aaron! I don't want to fight with you. I also don't want you to get hurt Aaron. Please think about what I said. Please?"

His voice is gruff, "Go to sleep Catherine."

50 days.

* * *

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

- The Cave, Mumford & Sons

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review. The next chapter will be posted on Saturday September 15th, 2012. From now on I will be posting every Saturday and I will try to post another chapter during the week.

AN3: To the guest reviewer apisonlyap and anyone else who was wondering, my pen name is 741N73D 4N63L which reads tainted angel.


	13. Genealogy

AN: This is slightly disjointed but it's supposed to be like that.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree. Catherine Jareau is mine.

* * *

**Chapter 11: Genealogy**

* * *

**_When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life._**

**_When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up._**

**_I wrote down 'happy'._**

**_They told me that I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life._**

**_- John Lennon_**

* * *

Like a missing tooth,

sometimes an absence

is more noticeable than a presence.

- Jodi Picoult, Lone Wolf

* * *

Monday June 20th, 2011

6:00 am

I wake up from my nightmare as soon as Jenny leaves the bed. We spent last night in Emily's condo with Henry. Will is doing some sort of double nightshift; I wasn't really paying attention when she explained it, because I don't really care when he is working. I just want to spend time with Jen and Henry. I do like Will but after spending the past few weeks surrounded by people I don't know and listening to Ambassador Prentiss, I just want to be by myself for a while before I have to go back. I think Jenny is being silly; she tried to convince me to go back home with her and Henry and when she couldn't, she decided to stay with me in Emily's condo. It's kind of sweet that she doesn't want to leave me alone here, but also a little strange. I must be missing something.

I doze lightly and listen to Jennifer getting ready in the bathroom down the hall. I pretend to still be asleep by keeping my eyes closed and my breathing even when Jen reenters my bedroom. I know that Jenny doesn't fall for it because although it has tapered off in recent years, this is a game we have played for as far back as I can remember. I pretend to be asleep so that Jenny can wake me up. Waking up to Jen's face used to make me feel safe, now it just brings back memories of happier times.

Jennifer climbs back into bed and wraps her arms around me from the front, whispering, "Wake-y wake-y." She still pretends not to notice when I stiffen slightly at the physical contact.

I keep my eyes closed; this is also part of the game. I'm not supposed to give in right away.

Jenny kisses my forehead and says softly, "Rise and shine Princess."

I try very hard not to smile when Jenny's hair tickles my face.

"Kitty Cat, the sun has risen," she says in a singsong voice, "And you should be rising too."

I keep my eyes closed and my breathing even.

Jenny flips me over so that I'm now sitting astride her hips.

When I finally open my eyes and smile down at my big sister I am taken aback at the seriousness in her eyes.

Jenny smiles sadly, "It's been way too long since I've been able to wake you up Catherine. I missed you Princess."

I nod in agreement, not trusting my voice. Five weeks away from my big sister is the longest we've been apart since our parents were alive. I adore my alone time, but I wouldn't trade my big sister for anything.

Jen kisses my forehead, "Go back to sleep Kitty Cat. I'll bring Henry in. He'll be happier if you're right there when he wakes up. He missed you a lot."

"Miss you. Love you," I mumble before rolling off my sister and burying myself under the numerous blankets.

Jenny responds as she walks across my room and out the door, "I love you too Catherine. Sweet dreams Princess."

The next time I wake up it is to a pair of bright blue eyes boring into mine, a head of long blonde hair hanging in my face and a joyful command of, "Play with me!"

* * *

A children's story that can only be enjoyed by children

is not a good children's story in the slightest.

― C.S. Lewis

* * *

7:30 pm

I double-check that Emily's condo door is locked and that there is food and water in Una's bowls before I scoop up my nephew and start walking down the hall, away from the living room, towards the guest bedroom where Henry's cot is set up.

Henry looks up at me with his big blue eyes, "Play trucks now please Kit Cat?"

I can't help but smile at him, "No Henry we can't play trucks right now, it's bedtime."

He frowns and wriggles, trying to get down, "Play cars?"

I sigh, "No, not cars either. Come on Henry it's bedtime. You're supposed to be asleep already. Your mommy is going to be upset when she comes back and finds you wide awake."

"Mommy?" he asks, eyes wide open.

_Damn it, now I'll never get him to sleep._ I groan, "Yes Henry, mommy. Mommy wants you to go to sleep."

Henry watches my face closely, "Come home mommy?"

I set him down inside the guest bedroom and close the door before answering, "Yes mommy is coming home."

Henry frowns, "Come home daddy?"

I'd rather not think about Will right now, "No Henry, your daddy isn't coming here. He is at work, like mommy."

He pouts.

I ruffle his hair, "Do you want a story Henry?"

His eyes light up and he shouts, "Star please!"

I smile sadly, "Henry, Baby Star is mommy's book. I'll read you something else okay?"

"Baby Star!" he insists.

I frown, "What about Goodnight Moon?"

"No Moon!" he says pouting.

My lips twitch, "You're right Henry, there is no moon out tonight."

He looks at me confusion written all over his face.

I laugh quietly.

I walk over to the bedside table and look at the books lying there, "What about Franklin?"

"No," he stomps one little foot.

_Damn, was I this much trouble for Jenny?_ "Don't stomp your foot Henry."

"I sorry Kit Cat," he mumbles.

I strip Henry until he is in nothing but training pants, "You're forgiven Henry. Now, what about a song?"

"No," he says, shaking his head.

I help Henry put on his pajama pants, "Well you're running out of options liebling. Soon you're going to be stuck with my books."

He beams at me, "Kit Cat book?"

I smile at my nephew, "Oh so now my books are good enough for you? Why didn't you say so last night?"

From the look on his face, Henry has no idea what I have just said.

I kiss the top of his head, "Alright liebling, poetry it is."

"Poe?" Henry repeats.

I snicker, "I think you're a little young for Edgar Allen Poe liebling. Jenny would kill me if she caught me reading those poems to you."

"Mommy?" Henry asks.

I finish helping Henry pull on his pajama top, "Yes, that's right Henry, your mommy's name is Jenny."

I tuck Henry into his cot.

He looks up at me, "Kit Cat where my mommy?"

I sigh, "Mommy is driving home liebling. She will be here when you wake up in the morning Henry." I know exactly what is coming next, and sure enough, I'm right.

Tears form in Henry's eyes, "I want mommy."

I kiss my nephew's head and whisper, "I know liebling. I want Jenny to come home too."

"Please Kit Cat make mommy come home," Henry demands, a single tear falling down his cheek.

_Oh little man, you're breaking my heart._ I pick up Henry and cradle him to my chest.

Henry wraps his little arms around my neck, rests his head on my shoulder and sobs his little heart out.

It's been really hard on Henry, not having Will around at night and even with Jen working something resembling regular hours, she still isn't always home to put him to bed. Like tonight, she's doing some press conference for somebody from State and won't be home till after eleven. I can't even call Jenny and have her read a bedtime story to Henry because she's currently in a meeting with the same bigwig who wants the press conference.

I hum quietly until Henry stops crying. Then I put my exhausted nephew back into his cot, tuck him in and sit on the floor as close to Henry's head as I can. I run my fingers through his downy hair and try to pick a poem. I can't leave to get my books, because they are in my bedroom and if I get up, Henry will start crying again.

"Kit Cat story?" Henry whispers, his voice still carries traces of his earlier crying fit.

Evidently, I have taken too long to decide. I smile sadly, "All right liebling, one story coming up. 'Once there was a tree, and she loved a little boy…'"

"Me boy Kit Cat!" states Henry proudly.

I smile, "Yes Henry, you are a boy." I raise one eyebrow, "Now do you want me to tell you the story or not?"

He wrinkles his little nose, "Please story."

I smile at my nephew, "That's better. Now where was I? Oh yes. 'And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play king of the forests…'" I look down at Henry and am pleasantly surprised to see that he has fallen asleep.

I wait around for a few minutes, just to make sure that Henry really is asleep and not faking like last night. I suppose that I would have found the situation funny if it had happened to anyone else: Henry pretended to fall asleep and when I exited his room I left the door open a crack so that I could hear him if he called for Jen or myself. I made it almost all the way back down the hall to the living room before I noticed my second shadow. Henry wanted to play some more. Being outsmarted by a two year old is never good for someone's self esteem, but Jen's reassurance that Penny and Spence have fallen for the same trick numerous times did make me feel better.

* * *

Reality is that which,

when you stop believing in it,

doesn't go away.

- Philip K. Dick

* * *

11:30 pm

"How is Henry?" I ask when Jennifer enters my room in Emily's condo.

She sits down on the bed next to me, "He is sound asleep in his travel cot."

I bite my lip and continue staring at my hands, "He really missed you tonight Jen. Are you sure you want to leave him alone in the spare room?"

"Henry will be fine Kitty Cat." She tucks a lose strand of hair behind my ear, "Do you want to tell me what's bothering you?"

I shake my head and calmly say, "No."

Jen shrugs, "Well then, find me your hairbrush and I'll-"

I frown, "It's not long enough to need braiding Jenny."

"Catherine, your hair has grown out again," she says sympathetically.

"Jen-" I start.

"Give me your hand," she says and holds out her hand, her tone offering no chance for resistance or denial.

I sigh quietly and place my hand in hers.

Jen gently brings my hand up to my head and slowly runs my fingers down my hair, past my neck, past my shoulders.

I snatch my hand back. I am shocked to notice that my hair is a lot longer than I remember. I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. I chopped off most of my hair at the end of November and I haven't cut it since. I start trembling, over come with emotions and utterly terrified of my hair being long again.

"Shh!" says Jenny wrapping one arm around my waist, "It's okay Princess."

My breathing speeds up, "Don't braid it Jenny."

"Catherine," she sighs.

I cannot control my voice, it breaks when I plead, "No Jenny! Please! Please, don't braid it!"

Jen moves to wrap her other arm around me, "Are you going to tie it up yourself?"

I pull away and shake my head.

Jennifer frowns at me, "Catherine you've been tying it up for months, why is this so shocking now?"

I look away from my sister; "I haven't looked at my hair or thought about it since I cut it off."

Jen chuckles, "If Mama and daddy were still alive, they would have had a fit. You haven't tried to cut your own hair since you were-"

"Seven," I finish for Jen.

"Get me your brush," she says firmly.

I open my mouth.

Jen cuts me off, "I promise I won't braid your hair this time."

I glare at her.

She smiles beatifically back at me.

I grab my brush from my dresser and hand it to Jenny.

She turns sideways and motions for me to sit in front of her on my bed.

I comply because it is expected.

Jenny brushes my hair in silence and just as she promised, she doesn't braid it. After a few more minutes of pregnant silence, Jen tries to find a less painful subject, "Did Will call?"

"Jennifer," my voice is heavily laced with censure.

She winces, "I'm sorry Catherine."

I shrug, brushing it off. I don't want to think about Will and I don't want to get in the middle of their 'argument'.

Jenny sighs, "Come on Kitty Cat, it's time to light our candles."

I bite my lip before asking hesitantly, "Can we light more than three this year Jen?"

My sister cocks her head, "Did you pack extra candles?"

"Yes," I whisper.

She gives me a gentle push, "Go get them."

I exit my bedroom and return laden down with candles in candlesticks.

Jennifer takes a few from me and sets them down on the small table under the window. She turns to me and frowns, "Nine?"

I shrug, "We need more than three."

Jen sighs, "I know that Kitty Cat."

I bite my lip, "Well, we also need more than six."

Jen frowns in confusion, "Why do we need more than six?"

I motion to the candles, "You, me, Jessie, Beth, Henry, mama, daddy, Emily, and whoever Emily kept lighting a candle for."

Jenny raises an eyebrow; "You let Emily light candles with you?"

I blush and look away.

Jen looks at the candles properly for the first time, "You labeled them."

I shrug, "Of course I did. You trained me well." I stick my tongue out at my big sister, "I suppose it's a good thing my office doesn't look like yours though."

Jenny lights our candles with my lighter and then she stands behind me.

I shiver, Jenny knows that I don't like anyone standing behind me but she does it on purpose to try and desensitize me.

Jenny wraps her arms around me and holds me tightly so I can't get away.

I flinch.

Jenny makes soothing noises, the ones that calm Henry. The same noises she has been making to calm me down my entire life. Jen whispers "Happy Birthday my Faerie Princess," in my ear.

I relax into her arms and lean my head back against her shoulder.

We stay like that for a while. When I finally come out of my head, I look over at the analogue clock hanging on my wall it tell me that it is currently 12:12 am. I shiver and whisper "Fourteen years," to Jennifer. I turn around to face my big sister, "I still miss her Jenny."

"I know Kitty Cat," she whispers back.

The only birthday that Jenny and I have ever spent apart was my seventh birthday because Beth and I were kidnapped. I open my mouth and mange to get the words that have been stuck in my throat out, "I don't want you to leave Jenny."

"I'm not going anywhere Kitty Cat," she promises.

I frown, "You can't promise that. Look at Emmy, she promised that she wasn't going anywhere either and…"

"Catherine," she sighs.

I look away from my big sister, "You have to go to work in a few hours and then I'll be here by myself. Well, I'll have Henry but that's not the same Jennifer. You know I love Henry but he's yours, not mine. And I-"

She cuts me off, "It's okay Catherine. I'm not going anywhere today. I promise. I already called in to work sick and we can spend the day watching movies and making cupcakes. Maybe we'll take Henry to the park in the afternoon."

I hug my sister, "Thank you Jenny. Is the rest of our family back from the conference?"

She kisses the top of my head, "I don't know Princess. We can call in the morning."

"Jenny?" I ask quietly.

Jen spins me around to face her, "Yes Kitty Cat?"

I look up at my big sister, "I love you."

Jen's face lights up, "I love you too."

I yawn, "Jenny?"

"Yes Kitty Cat?" she responds.

Blinking sleepily I mummer, "Can we go to bed now?"

Jenny smiles down at me, "You don't have to ask me twice. Do you want me to bring Henry to bed with us?"

My lips twitch as I try not to smile back, "I think he would like that, but you have to get up with him in the morning. I did it yesterday."

Jen laughs quietly and says, "Deal," as she walks out of my bedroom.

I crawl under the covers on one side of my bed after blowing out the candles._ I miss you Beth. _

Jenny comes back with a sleeping Henry cradled against her chest.

I tug the covers down on the other side of the bed and Jenny places my nephew in the middle of my bed.

"Good night Henry," I kiss his down covered head and whisper, "Good night Jenny."

Jen throws one arm over Henry and whispers back, "Good night Catherine."

_Good night Emily._

* * *

**Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy;**

**they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.**

**- Marcel Proust**

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review.

AN3: Out of curiousity, I am working on a 'missing' scene from Shakespeare's Richard III for class and was wondering if anyone would be interested in reading it?


	14. Happy Birthday to Me

AN: Reference made to Season Six's episode twelve, Corazon.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, Dr. Who, the Space channel, Gnomeo and Juliet, Harry Potter or Red Riding Hood. Catherine Jareau along with any other characters that you do not recognize belong to me.

* * *

**Chapter 12: Happy Birthday to Me**

* * *

Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had,

and what you've learned from them,

and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

* * *

Tuesday June 21st, 2011

Today is my twenty-first birthday. This is supposed to be my champagne year, a lucky year because I am turning twenty-one on the twenty-first. Wishes are supposed to come true and all that, but the only wish I have is for Emily to come home and that isn't going to happen today. I still have to wait another forty-seven days for Emmy to come home. I have to wait, but I can do that. I have already waited one hundred days; I can wait a little while longer for my family to be put back together.

According to Dave, the team arrived back late last night. Normally conferences are a Thursday-Friday thing, or sometimes a full week but this time they traveled there on Thursday and were gone all weekend. I probably should have asked what the conference was about, but I doubt they would have told me. Ever since Emily died, left, or whatever you want to call it, the team has blocked or sheltered me from cases even more than the summer I spent with Jenny when I was thirteen turning fourteen.

It's almost like they don't trust me. Which I know isn't exactly right. It's like I am some scared kid or victim whom they need to protect. I don't need to be protected by anyone. I'm getting by just fine on my own. I mean, I suppose I get it, what my family is trying to do; it's the whole idea of 'protect the innocent.' Even if I'm not innocent, I'm still their baby sister. I get it, but I don't have to like it.

Logically, I know that they trust me. Even though I'm no longer authorized to walk around Quantico, I'm still allowed to visit with them outside or in their homes. I've also been asked to babysit Jack and Henry a few times, but as a family, we are not as close as we once were. Emily's death changed everything. For a time, everyone was broken, but some of us are putting ourselves back together better and faster than others. I have to believe that everything will be all right when Emily comes back in forty-seven days.

When they first started protecting me, I was thirteen and thought it was kind of sweet. Jenny had been taking care of me my entire life so being protected by her team, her family, which was now mine, was a novel idea. Just like homework was back when I was in kindergarten. That first case Jenny was away that summer I spent with her in 2004 went horribly. Not just for the team, but for me as well. Jenny wasn't comfortable leaving me home alone so I stayed with Penelope. I had to go to the BAU with her every day. I remember being terrified because Jenny wasn't around. I couldn't even hide in Jen's office all day because I wasn't supposed to wander around the building. I spent my time in Penelope's office, at a little desk in the far corner, with my back to the wall, where I could easily see the door but not the screens.

I spent a lot of time on Jenny's personal laptop researching and Penelope managed to distract me sufficiently when my homework could not. That summer I became fluent in L337. Ever since then, all of my emails to Penelope have been written like that because it makes us smile. That was also the summer I first learned how a computer works. Not just how to use one, but how the innards, the guts work: which piece does what, when and why. It certainly was interesting and I was instantly hooked.

I remember crying at the end of the summer when I had to go home to Valencia because my parents were finished with the case my daddy was working on in New York. At the time, I didn't know that I would only have a few months left with my parents and in that moment, I hated them for taking me away from Jenny, from the person I considered both my mother and big sister.

The night before I left, Penelope presented me with a laptop she had built in her tiny amount of free time using salvaged parts. Apparently, it was a belated birthday present. I was taken aback, stunned, flabbergasted, and so very touched at the gesture. Penny said that it was so the two of us could keep in touch, but I know she meant for me to be able to reach Jenny at anytime, anywhere she might be.

I lived with the protection of Jennifer's team for six and a half years before it started to chafe. For the longest time I could not have cared less about what the team was working on while they were in the field, provided I had access to the information through Penelope once they got back home if it seriously impacted my newly adopted family. That was just the way our family worked. It was a two way street; if I needed to know something about the team, someone would tell me and if someone needed to know something about me, I could trust the team to fill each other in or come see me for clarification.

This didn't change when Jennifer went to work at the State Department. Penelope would still find a way to tell me if something was wrong. I remember getting a text from her in January telling me to get my ass over to Spencer's apartment ASAP (as soon as possible). I later found out that the case had been in Miami and Spence had taken down the unsub by himself by pretending that he had a headache (I still can't believe that Spence lied to Aaron). His migraines had been getting progressively worse. I didn't sleep that night and Spencer's sleep was sporadic and not restful in the least.

I know that his migraines are still present but until earlier today, I hadn't seen Spence since early May and there is no way I would ask him something like that in front of the team. I don't even know if they know about the migraines. There is no way I would even consider 'outing' him to the rest of our dysfunctional family. I'll just have to talk with Spencer about his migraines again, and what he has been up to since I left on Friday. We have a 'date' as it were. I'm leaving Sunday and so long as no case comes up, there is no way Spencer is getting out of spending time with me. Not that I think he would try, especially since we're supposed to watch a Dr. Who marathon on Space with Penelope and Kevin. Even if I wouldn't chew him out for backing out, Penelope would and that makes all the difference.

My birthday party was wonderful. I haven't seen all of my family together since we were supposed to clean out Emily's apartment after the will reading back in March. Seeing everyone individually or in small groups is nice but it has been way too long since we have had a proper family dinner. Dave's birthday doesn't count both because I wasn't there and because neither Henry nor Will nor Jack were there either. Today, the only person missing was Emily and everyone could feel the hole her presence used to fill.

We were back at Jennifer and Will's house for a barbeque. The tables actually groaned in protest due to the amount of food they were required to support. We had hamburgers, hotdogs and chicken, corn on the cob, Caesar, regular, macaroni and potato salad. Then there were two different kinds of cake, cheesecake and white cake because Aaron, Derek and Kevin will not eat cheesecake.

I was mildly surprised when no one from the team noticed, or at least they didn't comment on the obvious tension between Jennifer and Will. I don't want to think about that right now. I don't want to come between them, but I will have to talk to both Will and Jenny before I leave. I don't want to be forced to pick a side, because as much as I might like Will for my sister and as Henry's father, I will always pick Jennifer. That's just how these things work, family loyalty and all that crap. Jenny comes first. It's funny when I think about it; I came first in Jen's life for so many years and now I'm somewhere farther down the list. Maybe third after Will and Henry, but I would never, could never force Jennifer to chose between me and Will or me and Henry.

I don't want to think about that anymore. What else should I think about then? Oh right, my birthday supper. I must say that I was mildly surprised when Ashley Seaver was invited to my twenty-first birthday party. I'm not sure who invited her and I'm also not sure I would like the answer if I did ask. Somehow, Ashley's presence made the gaping hole where Emily, her mentor, my big sister and surrogate mum should be, feel bigger.

I guess I don't really hate her, even though I told Spence that I did. He was a little bit upset with me. I suppose that it is understandable, he has, or rather had, a soft spot for Ashley. I will admit that I was a little jealous in the beginning when Spencer started paying more attention to Ashley than me. Emmy was direct about it, telling me nothing had changed, but not my Spence. He didn't even notice anything was wrong until he came looking for me earlier today and caught me hiding around the side of the house mumbling, cussing, and kicking the wall.

* * *

_My voice is lowered for discretion even though there are only two people present who might understand what I'm saying, "Ich hasse Er. Ich hasse Er. Ich hasse Er."_

_Spencer's voice comes out of nowhere, "Whom do you hate?"_

_I am so embarrassed that Spencer caught some of what I had just said, "Sorry Spence, I didn't see you there."_

_Spencer blinks, "I know you didn't, you jumped."_

_I glare at him, "I did not jump."_

_He smiles faintly, "You did to."  
I shift my weight to my other foot, favoring the one that had just been kicking the brick wall, "Fine maybe I did. What is it to you?"_

_Spencer frowns, "Why are you being hostile? I haven't done anything."_

_"Sorry," I mumble, "I'm just mad at myself for not noticing you."_

_"I know why you didn't notice me," he pipes up._

_I narrow my eyes at him, "Yeah? Why?"_

_He takes a deep breath before blurting out, "By your standards, your hyper-vigilance, I'm classified as a non-threat."_

_I blush._

_Spencer is smiling now, "So… Am I correct in my assumption?"_

_I look away, "Yes."_

_"Hey Kitty Cat?" he sounds nervous._

_I look back, "Yeah Spence?"_

_Spencer has his hands palm up in front of him, "Whom do you hate?"_

_"Spencer," I warn while acknowledging his attempt at not frightening me._

_His eyes are wide, "Please?"_

_I resist the desire to cross my arms, "I was saying I hate it. I didn't say that I hated anyone specifically."_

_Spencer rolls his eyes, "Catherine I'm not completely useless at reading social queues. I know that you meant someone, even if you said it and not him or her."_

_I spit out her name; "Ashley."  
"Ashley Seaver?" he asks, wrinkling his nose in confusion._

_I look down, "Yeah."_

_He cocks his head, "Catherine why do you hate her so much?"_

_I look away from Spencer, "I don't hate her really… I just hate what she represents. I hate that she's here and Emily isn't."_

_Spencer still looks confused "What does she represent?"_

_I look up, anger rising in me, "Don't play games with me Spencer."_

_"No, really. I do want to know. Please tell me?" he asks quietly._

_I frown at him. From what I can tell, Spencer is being honest, "She took Jen's spot on the team and now…"_

_Spencer frowns, "First off, no one took JJ's spot. No one can replace your sister, besides she's back now. And now, what?"_

_"Huh?" I am confused._

_"What were you going to say?" he says encouragingly._

_"Nothing," I say evasively. _

_"Don't lie," Spencer demands._

_He may have commanded me, but I'm not scared right now, I don't have to do what he says. So instead I growl his name; "Spencer."_

_"Catherine," he says simply._

_I glower at him and give in. Sometimes it's just easier to give Spencer what he wants. He's like a dog with a bone; he never gives up. I scuff my tennis shoe on the concrete, "Emily was our buffer; she made sure that Ashley wasn't too close to me and now Emily is gone and Ashley is here. This isn't how everything was supposed to go. This isn't_ the _way our lives were meant to be." I whisper, "Why did she have to come today Spence? Why couldn't she have stayed away? Everything would have been better if she had stayed away."_

_"Nothing ever goes as planned," Spencer sounds sad._

_I look up, "I know that Spence."_

_"I know you do." Spencer's smile doesn't reach his eyes, "I just thought you needed a reminder."_

_I take a step back so that I am leaning against the house._

_"Are you jealous of her?" he asks out of the blue._

_"Who?" I ask._

_"Ashley," he says firmly._

_I avoid eye contact when I answer, "Not anymore."_

_"But you were?" he prompts. _

_I shrug, "Yeah."_

_"Why?" he looks so confused._

_I glare, "You stopped calling Spence. You stopped texting. You stopped all forms of communication after…"_

_He looks lost, "After Emily? But I-"_

_I cut him off, "No. You stopped after Ashley joined your team."_

_Spencer frowns, "Oh. I didn't realize."_

_I shift uncomfortably, "I know you didn't Spence."_

_"I'm sorry Catherine," he whispers brokenly._

_I continue as if he hadn't spoken, "I saw you once in January and you weren't the one to reach out Spencer, Penelope texted me. You didn't even try to ask for help."_

_"I didn't need any help!" he declares loudly._

_"Bullshit!" I emphasize my point by kicking to the wall with my heel, "You Spencer Reid are still having migraines."_

_"I am not," he denies._

_I raise an eyebrow, "Now who's lying? You're wearing those sunglasses again Spencer."_

_He frowns, "We're outside Catherine, and it's summer."_

_I frown back, "Spencer you only wear that particular pair of sunglasses when you have a migraine."_

_Spencer sounds like Jack, "I do not!" He glares at me, "And how would you know that? Like you said, I haven't seen you since April."_

_The glare isn't very effective since he is wearing black sunglasses, "Spence you only have two pairs of sunglasses and we're getting off topic here."_

_That stops his impending rant short, "What are you talking about?"_

_"You really stopped talking to me after," I pause and take a deep breath and release it, "Montréal. Until Emily," I swallow the lump in my throat that that particular name brings, "Then you were in almost constant contact with me for weeks. Spence why you didn't write or talk to me when I was in France? I had more contact with Aaron, and he was in Pakistan, than with you and you were right here. I Skyped with everyone else almost everyday."_

_Spencer shifts his weight from one leg to the other, "I didn't want to bother you."_

_I frown, "You sound like me and you wouldn't have been a bother Spencer, I like talking to you. Why did you pull away after we came back?"_

_"I… You…" he trails off._

_"Yes?" I ask, honestly curious._

_Spencer leans against the wall next to me, "You didn't want anyone to touch you. I thought it would be better if I stayed away."_

_I tilt my head up to get a better look at him, "Spence, when are we ever not uncomfortable with physical contact?"_

_Spencer's fingers twitch, "We're talking about you, not me."_

_I roll my eyes, "Just answer the question Spencer."_

_He frowns, "When it is not forced upon us, when we initiate it ourselves."_

_I snicker, "One point for the genius."_

_"Hey!" he protests._

_I laugh quietly, "Think about what you just said. Come on Spence, you're a damn good profiler." He really needs to figure this out on his own._

_"If I had stuck around you would have wanted to have physical contact with me?" he asks tentatively._

_I bite the inside of my cheek, "Is that a question or your answer?"_

_"My answer," he huffs._

_My lips twitch, "Two points for the genius."_

_He frowns, "You're serious?"_

_I resist the urge to roll my eyes, "Spencer, think about it. The only people we touch willingly are on your team."_

_Spencer cocks his head, "You didn't touch Ashley."_

_"Spencer," I growl._

_"Okay. Okay." He holds up his hands in a placating gesture, "I know why you didn't touch her."_

_I raise an eyebrow, "Why?"_

_He shrugs, "You don't trust her."_

_I laugh, "Oh course I don't trust her Spencer. I don't know her."_

_Spencer frowns, "Did you try to get to know her?"_

_I glare at him._

_"I'm just asking Catherine," he says, exasperation evident in his voice._

_I blush, "I'm sorry Spence. I didn't mean to be so rude."_

_He whispers, "It's okay Kitty Cat. I just want to make sure…"_

_I frown, "What do you want to be sure of Spencer?"_

_Spencer turns his head to see if anyone is nearby, "If I had tried to touch you after Montréal… Would you have been okay with it?"_

_I shrug and look away, "More so than with pretty much anyone else."_

_Spencer looks thoughtful, "Look… I really am sorry for abandoning you Catherine. I promise that it won't happen again. Can I make it up to you?" he asks quietly._

_I frown, "How are you going to do that?"_

_He shifts nervously, "You could come over on Friday and we could watch the Dr. Who marathon with Garcia- I mean Penelope and Kevin."_

_I look at him consideringly._

_He continues talking, "We could uh, read and you wouldn't have to go home right away. I promise I won't kick you out again."_

_I frown, "You better not."_

_He looks worried, "Do you accept?"_

_I smile at him, "Yes Spencer, I accept your apology."_

_He smiles, "Oh good!" then frowns, "Am I supposed to hug you now?"_

_My smile broadens, "Yes Spence, we can hug now."_

* * *

After our conversation, the air was cleared and we went back to the party to eat dinner and have cake. Then everyone watched Gnomeo and Juliet with Henry and Jack. After the 'babies' went to bed the rest of us watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1 followed by Red Riding Hood. I ended up sitting on Spencer's lap and had to cover his mouth a few times when he started pointing out the inaccuracies in the movies.

Later, after everyone has left and Spencer has driven me back to Emily's condo. I put on my favorite pair of pajamas and I crawl into my bed and lay down next to Spencer, who is sleeping peacefully. I glance over at my clock to check how much time I have left before I have to get up. It reads 11:59 pm, Happy Birthday to me. I push Una gently off the bed and pull up the extra blankets. She makes a 'brrrow' sound and looks at me curiously.

I whisper, "Go to sleep Una."

She jumps back up onto my bed and settles down on top of Spencer's legs.

I laugh quietly, careful not to wake him.

I take one last look over at my clock; it now says 12:01 am. One very childish thought runs through my mind; _Emily, you missed my birthday._ I stomped on it furiously.

47 days.

* * *

Never allow someone to be your priority

while allowing yourself to be their option.

- Mark Twain

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review.


	15. Interlude

AN: We're going back in time a little bit, this chapter contains three missing scenes from April, May and June.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 13: Interlude**

* * *

The process of growing up was nothing more than

Figuring out what doors hadn't yet been slammed in your face.

- Jodi Picoult

* * *

Monday April 11th, 2011

Jennifer has started taking profiling classes at the BAU night school. Well I suppose it isn't really a school, just a few classes at the academy that she needs to take to be an accredited Profiler instead of a Media Liaison. She has been doing really well so far. I suppose it makes a difference in the classes and materials because Jen has been helping the team profile for years. I wonder if Strauss knows that she's coming back. When Jenny goes back to the BAU as a profiler, no one will ever be able to make her leave our family again. Well, that's not quite true, but there is always room for hope.

I have to say that I'm not overly fond of Will at the moment. He said a few rather stupid things to Jen when she told him she was thinking about taking the profiling classes. He made a big stink about it. I took Henry out for a walk so I didn't hear most of the argument but what I did hear made me want to slap him, and I abhor physical violence. I'm pretty sure Jen did slap him because Will my pseudo brother-in-law, had a nice red handprint on his left cheek when Henry and I returned from the park.

The results of that argument weren't immediately evident, even though Will was slapped, that wasn't really quite so bad compared to what Jenny engineered. He still hasn't apologized so, for the past two weeks Will has been sleeping on the couch or in one of the guest bedrooms. Jenny has been sleeping on Will's side of the bed while I sleep on her side and Henry sleeps in the middle. Jenny making me complicit in her argument with Will was a little awkward, but Jenny is my sister and I will always side with her over Will, that's just the way things are. I adore my big sister and I know better than to get on her bad side. Jen is the boss; she wears the pants in this house, not Will.

Jennifer, Henry and I even slept over at Emily's condo for the past few nights. I really hope Will gets his act together soon and apologizes. Even though Jenny is putting up a tough front, I know that Will refusing to accept Jen's love for the team and her desire to go return to her BAU family is making my Jenny miserable. And a miserable Jennifer Jareau is a vicious Jennifer Jareau. She's gone all 'Media Liaison' on him. Ugh, if Will doesn't pull his head out of his ass soon, I'm going to have to sit him down and explain a few things and I really don't want to do that. He should have figured this out weeks ago.

Later tonight Jenny is flying somewhere for work. I don't know where and I don't really want to ask because I know that she can't tell me. I'm supposed to watch Henry for a few days, which should be interesting since my little nephew has recently found a love for all things space like. Will is working as a detective again and he's pulling in extra shifts because he's mad at Jen. I really think he shouldn't be taking it out on Henry, but it isn't my place to say anything yet. I'm just going to do my best to take care of Henry. I don't want him to know that anything is wrong. If things are still bad when I get back from France, I will sit him down and make him listen. Maybe I should do the same for Jenny. I don't want them to ruin their relationship.

112 Days.

* * *

These woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

- Robert Frost

* * *

Monday May 9th, 2011

I love airplanes. No, that's not right, I love flying. If I were a witch, I would want a broom, or maybe a spell that I could cast which would allow me to fly. If I were a Sidhe (shee) Faerie, I would want wings, even if they weren't necessary. Jenny would tell me I'm being silly, but I really love flying. Maybe I can convince Spence to go hang-gliding with me on the week I have off between assignments with the Ambassador. That is, if he ever talks to me again, except for right after Emily's death, he's been ignoring me for the past few months and I hate it.

After I got off the plane, I located my luggage. There is only one small suitcase to go with my go-bag. I met the driver who was waiting for me, holding a sign with my name on it. His name is Jean-Claude. I got to ride in a limo for the second time in my life. I wish I didn't associate the luxurious vehicle with Emily's funeral, but I do.

Early in April, the Ambassador had insisted I pack everything else in a matching pair of steamer trunks and they were sent overseas a few weeks ago. They weren't new, which surprised me just a little bit until I opened one of the drawers in the Black Walnut and green velvet trunk; Emily Elizabeth Prentiss was stitched inside in silver coloured thread. My throat tightened and it was hard for me to stop tears from pouring down my face. There was even one of Emily's old drawings inside the bottom drawer. It wasn't anything particularly amazing, just a house. Probably something from when she was young, younger than I am now.

I don't know exactly what Ambassador Prentiss was trying to pull. I didn't mention anything to Jen of the rest of the team, they have been so busy and I'm not really sure I want to know why the Ambassador is giving me Emily's old trunks with one of Emily's drawings inside. I know she means something by it, but maybe if I ignore it, it will go away. It is unlikely, but I will pretend it to be true for a little while because it makes me feel better.

Jean-Claude keeps the privacy screen down and gives me a mini tour of Paris while we drive to the Embassy. The ride should only take a half hour, but Jean-Claude had received permission from the Ambassador to drive through the city proper, instead of just taking the highway around it.

When arrive at our destination in Paris' 16th arrondissement near the River Siene, I recognized the Embassy instantly from Emily's drawing. When did Emily stay in Paris? The Ambassador was not there to greet me, which was just fine by me. I have no idea what I'm going to do or say to her when we finally me. I mean, besides saying thank you.

Mme. Beauchamp, la ménagère, the housekeeper, a woman somewhere between forty and fifty years of age, directs me to my new bedroom after I say goodbye to Jean-Claude. As we walk, she points out various places that I will need to be aware of. She also points out the servant's stairwell and tells me very straightforwardly, not to use it. We pass through the sleeping quarters of the staff and Mme. Beauchamp's own bedroom, in case I need to find her at night.

I start becoming suspicious when the next areas we enter become more and more opulent. Finally we stop in front of a closed door, which Mme. Beauchamp, who has told me to call her Hélène, opens before pushing me gently inside. The room is done in various shades of blue, ranging from light to dark with gold accents. Emily's steamer trunks are sitting side-by-side, waiting for me at the foot of the queen-sized bed.

Hélène tells me that there is a bathroom through the door on the far side of the bed. Right before she closes the door, she says, "J'espère que vous apprécierez l'ancienne chambre à coucher de Mlle. Emily."

That single sentence instantly vacuums all the air out of my lungs. _What the hell is going on? The Ambassador has given me Emily's old trunks and put me in Emily's old bedroom. She can't possibly be trying to replace her daughter with me? Emmy and I look nothing alike. No, that can't be it. There has to be something else. I must be missing something. Does the Ambassador even know that Emily is alive? Is she being cruel on purpose by putting me in Emily's room and giving me her things or is she trying to be nice? It can't be the later, that doesn't fit with what little Emily has told me about her mum._ _Damn it Emmy, what the hell am I supposed to do now? How on earth am I supposed to sleep in your room and not have nightmares?_

83 Days.

* * *

Live in the present,

remember the past,

and fear not the future,

for it doesn't exist and never shall.

There is only now.

- Christopher Paolini

* * *

Monday June 13th, 2011

Surprisingly after a few nights of really horribly nightmares, sleeping in Emily's former bedroom didn't freak me out anymore. It made me feel a little closer to her. I wonder if that was the Ambassador's intention. It isn't fair that Emmy is in hiding. Everyone misses her so much. Emily's disappearance, her supposed death is destroying our family. She needs to come home as soon as possible. I don't know how I'm going to wait another fifty-five days to see her again.

I have a few more days before I have a chance to return to Washington to see my family before I have to go back to Europe with Ambassador Prentiss. We spent the past five and weeks in Paris, France. When I wasn't working with or for the Ambassador, she allowed me to go sightseeing. It was amazing! I saw the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the Palace of Versailles and the Père Lachaise Cemetery where Marcel Proust is buried. I took a picture for Spencer and another for his mother. I also had a chance to practice my French with someone other than Emily. It made me miss her even more. Emily promised to take me to France with her to see her grandfather's cabin in the Alps. I asked the Ambassador about it, she was unsurprisingly tightlipped about it.

Every afternoon, provided the weather is decent; I go for a walk around our neighbourhood in Paris with Renée. At twenty-five, Renée is the guard closest to me in age. It is important to note that Renée also speaks English. So when I get stuck looking for a word in French, I can just use the English word and she will supply me with the French one. I have had the strangest feeling that someone was following me around on some of my outings, but I must have been imagining it because the guards never noticed anything.

We're going to be in London next month, something to do with the Olympics next year. I'm supposed to be flying from Paris to DC on Thursday evening and then from DC to London on June 26th with only my go-bag because Emily's trunks will be traveling with the Ambassador when she changes residence from France to England. I'll have to double check the time when I get home; the Ambassador's assistant booked the flight for me.

I wish I could bring my family with me, or maybe not go at all but I can't go back on my word and the Ambassador has been very generous; she has been working with me a few hours a week on my Russian and she found me an amazing Italian tutor. I never worked up the courage to ask Ambassador Prentiss whether or not she knew Emily is alive. I want to, but don't think I ever will. She still scares me, but as unnerving as it seems, I think I'm starting to like her. She even asked me to call her Elizabeth in private, it's really creepy and I can't think of her as Elizabeth in my head but she keeps reminding me when we're alone.

Maybe I was hasty in coming to the conclusion that the Ambassador didn't or doesn't love Emily. The Ambassador spent an entire afternoon telling me stories about baby Emily. Although she did have many photographs, Ambassador Prentiss didn't seem to have very many stories about Emily as a child or a teenager. Emmy didn't look happy in any of the pictures; she already had her Agent Prentiss walls up. There was something undeniably sad about a five-year-old Emily knowing that she needs to keep her emotions hidden from everyone.

Back in May, Renée promised to find me someone who knew Emmy when she was a little girl or a teenager. Renée finally came through two days ago, when she introduced me to Mrs. Novosel who was employed by Ambassador Prentiss, as Emily's nanny for a few months when Emmy was four. Mrs. Novosel was not exactly what I was looking for. I was hoping to listen to stories about a teenage Emily and thus feel closer to her. I miss her terribly and my attempt to remedy the situation failed miserably.

Nonetheless, there was one good thing to come out of my conversation with Mrs. Novosel; she brought a few pictures of Emily. Emmy was so very cute as a child. There was one picture where Mrs. Novosel and Emily had been finger painting and Emmy was absolutely covered in green paint. Her face, her hands, even her hair had green streaks and she was ginning at the camera. I don't think I have ever seen her so happy since. There were other pictures but this was the most important because I had already seen Emily dressed up as a china doll for the Ambassador's various functions.

When Emily comes back, I'll have to ask her to tell me more stories about when she was little. I think I might write a letter to her on the plane ride back to Washington.

_I miss you so much Emmy. Please come home._

55 Days.

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review.


	16. Spencer Reid

AN: I was going to post on Saturday or Sunday this week but then I remembered that it's Thanksgiving weekend and I have to make lots of pies :)

AN2: References made to my stories Hydromorphone and Meeting Spencer Reid. Flashbacks are in _Italics._

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, Through the Looking Glass or Marcel Proust's À la Recherche du Temps Perdu. I do own Catherine Jareau and all of the other characters that you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 14: Spencer Reid**

* * *

"The time has come," the Walrus said,

"To talk of many things:

Of shoes-and ships-and sealing-wax-

Of cabbages-and kings-

And why the sea is boiling hot-

And whether pigs have wings."

- Louis Carroll's, Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There

* * *

Saturday June 25th, 2011

3:37 am

I wake up to a quiet sniffling. I roll over in bed and stare unabashedly at the barely defined shape huddled next to me. "Spence what's wrong?" I whisper, untangling myself from the bedcovers.

"Nothing," he says as his voice breaks.

I sigh, "Spencer please talk to me? It's obviously not nothing or you wouldn't have woken me up."

"I didn't mean to wake you up," he says so quietly I almost miss it. Then in a slightly stronger but still trembling voice, "There is nothing to tell Catherine."

"Spence," I breathe out, "Please don't lie to me." I am beyond shocked that he is lying to me. I know that he has lied before, but white lies and lies of evasion and omission are nothing compared to lying to my face when I ask him a direct question.

"I'm sorry," whispers Spencer. "It's just the culmination of everything."

I scoot closer to him, "What are you talking about Spence?"

Spencer doesn't look at me when he finally answers after a long period of silence, "Emily is gone and she's never coming back. Now you're leaving again and I don't want you to go to London the same way I didn't want you to go to Paris."

I wouldn't want to touch on the subject of Emily with Spencer with a ten-foot pole. We have already had way too many arguments about how I believe that Emily will return in forty-four, now forty-three days and Spencer thinks she is really gone. Our most recent conversation about Emily's death was back in May, two days before I left for France.

_I cross my arms, "She's coming back."_

_Spencer mirrors my actions, "You cannot possibly know that."_

_I glare at him, "But I do."_

_"Catherine," he sighs._

_I frown, "I have to believe it Spence. I have too. I need to believe with all my heart that Emily is alive and that she is coming back to us because if she isn't…" I look away._

_Spencer finishes my sentence for me, "Because if she isn't then everything is going to crumble again. Catherine, you need to be prepared for when Emily-"_

_I cut him off, "Spence, I need my hope. Everyone else has already tried. I couldn't bear it if you took away my hope. I need it. Please don't take that away from me."_

_"Fine," he breathes out, "I'll stop talking about it if you do. I'm just worried about you Kitty Cat."_

_I smile at him, "I know Spence, but you don't have to be. I'll be fine."_

_Spencer reaches out to clasp my hand, "And I will be waiting to pick up the pieces."_

_"Spence," I huff, but link our fingers together._

_He grins cheekily at me, "I know you don't want to talk about it, but I can be patient. I can wait."_

I showed Spencer my letter from Emily, but he still doesn't believe my conclusion to be valid. So instead of arguing I tell Spencer both the truth and what he needs to hear, "I'm coming back."

"I know it's irrational, but I'm afraid that you won't come back. That I will lose you, like we lost Emily," he mumbles.

I smile sadly, "Spencer, most emotions are. I promise you that I am coming back before Jen's birthday. No one is going to kill me. When I get back, we can have another Dr. Who marathon if you want to."

He raises his head, "Thank you Catherine, I would like that."

I push and prod at Spencer until he is lying down under the blankets. Then I lie down half on top of him so that he can't get away to mope again.

Spencer kisses my forehead and whispers, "Good night Catherine."

"Night Spence," I murmur back.

* * *

Friday June 24th, 2011

5:30 pm

Spencer arrives at Emily's condo to pick me up a few minutes after Will leaves with Henry. It took a while to convince Jennifer to let me ride with Spencer instead of borrowing her car or Will's. I suppose that I didn't really need to convince Jen. I mean, I am twenty-one now, but I need to keep Jenny happy. She deserves to be happy, especially when she's still fighting with Will. And it's not that Spencer is a bad driver; it's just that he's got so much going on in his head all the time that he doesn't really pay attention to the road. I could have driven Spencer's car, but that just seems rude since he isn't injured.

We sit in silence for a while; Spencer doesn't even want to have the radio on when he drives. I give in and start talking before Spencer does because I have this niggling question that has been bothering me. I wait for a red light before asking my question; "Spence it's almost July. I know that you haven't been over to Jen's house to talk to her since the middle of May. What gives?"

He looks confused, "What gives?"

I laugh quietly, "Yeah, what's up? What's wrong? Why have you been ignoring my, excuse me, _our_ sister. Henry misses his godfather."

"Kitty Cat," he says quietly.

"Spencer," I answer firmly.

Spencer looks up at the light, it's still red, "You're not going to leave this alone are you?"

I smile at him, "Nope. Not until you tell me what's going on with you."

He frowns, "It's not me you should be worried about."

I frown back, "Oh? And why is that? Whom should I be worried about then?"

"JJ," Spencer says with finality.

Now I'm confused, "Why should I be worried about Jennifer? S-"

Spencer interrupts me, "Wait Catherine. The light is green. We'll talk after we get to Kevin's. Okay?"

I sigh, "Fine."

I wait until Spencer pulls up in front of Kevin's apartment building and reiterate my earlier question, "Why should I be worried about Jen?"

Spencer looks over at me, "Something is going on with her."

I look away, "I know."

Spencer reaches out and turns my face towards him, "Do you know what it is?"

I stay silent.

"I don't mean the fight between her and Will Catherine," Spencer huffs.

I roll my eyes, "Oh goodie."

"Did she talk to you?" he asks quietly.

I'm still confused, "Talk to me about what?"

He looks sad, "Emily."

"No," I frown, "Why? Did she talk to you?" _Come on Jenny, you must have talked to someone by now._

"No," whispers Spencer.

I cross my arms and sigh.

Our conversation dies abruptly when Penelope appears outside the window on my side of the car. Spencer and I get out of his car and follow Penny upstairs.

I wonder if Kevin remembered the popcorn this time.

* * *

11:30 pm

I smile at Spencer, "Okay, we've left Kevin's, we're finally home. We had a snack and we're about to get ready for bed. Hand it over. Please?"

"Hand what over?" Spencer still looks cute when he's confused.

I smirk, "Your shirt."

"What?" he blurts out, "You want my shirt? But I'm wearing it! Why do you want my shirt?"

My lips twitch as I try to hide a smile, "Spence slow down, and breathe."

"Catherine?" he asks.

"Yes Spence?" I answer.

He cocks his head, "Why do you want the shirt I'm wearing?"

I roll my eyes, "Spencer, I don't want the shirt you're wearing. I want the one you have hidden in your go-bag for me."

He blushes, "Oh."

I smirk.

He's still blushing, "I didn't know you knew about that."

I sit down on Spencer's bed, "Spence you've been bringing over an extra t-shirt for the past few years and it always appears when you disappear to the bathroom."

Spencer sits down next to me and mumbles, "I- uh. I don't know what to say."

I sigh, "Spencer, I've been sleeping in your t-shirts for the past five years. Before I turned eighteen, I used to have to steal them from your drawers. What changed? Why do you suddenly care? Why do you want to know?"

Spencer looks away from me, "It was something Emily said…"

I frown in concern, "What did she say and when did she say it?"

Spencer shifts uncomfortably, "She just reiterated what JJ had been telling me for a while. I guess it just sunk in that time."

I'm nervous now, "What did Emmy say to you? What did Jen say?"

He looks uncomfortable, "They both said that you feel safe around me. Do you?"

I look away, "I do."

Spencer looks at me intently, "Why?"

I shrug, " I dunno."

"Catherine?" he whispers.

I bite my lip, "Yeah Spence?"

His voice is a little bit stronger, "Why do you still like sleeping in my t-shirts?"

I can't look at Spencer when I answer, "Because they smell like you and that makes me feel safe."

Spencer wrinkles his nose; "They can't smell like me if they're clean."

I cross my arms, "Spencer Reid that was not what I meant and you know it."

He raises an eyebrow, "Do I?"

I roll my eyes and huff, "Spencer, I've always felt safe around you."

He frowns, "I've never scared you?"

I frown back, "No. Why would you think you scare me?"

Spencer sounds so meek, "Not why Catherine. When."

I am so confused, "What are you talking about Spencer?"

"When I was using dilauded..." he looks away from me.

I whisper, "Spence that was four years ago,"

I reach out to take his hand, but stop short when Spencer continues on as if he hasn't heard a word I've said, "I'm pretty sure I scared you then Kitty Cat. You wouldn't look at me for days."

I am curious, "Spencer, do you even remember that weekend?"

He shrugs, "Not really."

I cross my arms again to stop myself from reaching out, "Then how can you believe that I was scared of you? And just for the record, I wasn't the one avoiding eye contact."

Spencer looks up at me, "You weren't?"

I hold his gaze with my own, "Spencer, after H- after you came back you avoided eye contact with everyone one for months. And after that weekend, when I cleaned up your apartment and you came to see me, do you remember what I promised you?"

"No," he whispers.

I gently take his hand in mine, "I said that I wasn't going anywhere and neither were you."

Spencer frowns, "I don't remember that."

I shrug, "You were pretty out of it."

Spencer looks down at our clasped hands, "I'm sorry for scaring you Catherine."

I smile soothingly, "It's okay Spencer. I forgave you for momentarily frightening me a long time ago."

"After-" Spencer cuts himself off and restarts, "After Emily I wanted to. I still want too…"

I think I know where this conversation is going, but I cannot be sure, "Want to do what Spencer?"

His voice is almost inaudible, "Use it again."

I smile sadly, "I know."

Spencer flinches, "How did you know?"

I squeeze his hand, "Spencer, you talk in your sleep when something is bothering you."

He looks concerned, "I do?"

I smile gently at him, "Yes you do."

He frowns, "If you knew, why didn't you confront me?"

My lips twitch, "You never talk until you're ready."

He frowns, "And yet you keep pushing."

"Spencer…" I sigh.

Spencer glowers, "Yes I know Catherine. I know that I am more likely to talk to you, but still. Do you have to push?"

I am resolute; "I wouldn't do it if I didn't care."

Spencer takes his hand back and crosses his arms, "That wasn't my question."

"Fine then," I huff, "To answer your question, yes I have to push."

"Why?" he looks genuinely confused.

I glare at him, "Because I miss you Spencer. We stopped having proper conversations in November."

Spencer scowls at me, "That's not true, we talked about Emily in March and spent time together in April. We also talked on your birthday and today."

I bite my lip before responding, "Spence, in all that time, we haven't had a single conversation that doesn't revolve around Emily's supposed death."

He grimaces, "We haven't? No. You're right. We haven't talked about anything else. What do you want to talk about?"

I stretch out on my bed, "Have you read anything good lately?"

Spencer's eyes light up, "Yes. I read this book on-"

I interrupt him, "I mean fiction or history Spence, not textbooks."

He sighs, "I know that you don't like textbooks Kitty Cat."  
My lips twitch, "Damn right I don't."

Spencer is smiling when he asks, "Why?"

I roll my eyes, "Spencer you know why. Stories are so much better."

"Kitty Cat," he says firmly.

"Yeah Spence?" I whisper.

He smiles, leans over and picks up his go bag, "You can have my t-shirt now."

I grin and say, "Thanks Spence!" before snatching the t-shirt from his hand and dashing out of my bedroom just in case Spencer changes his mind and takes the t-shirt back.

When I return to my bedroom after putting on my pajamas and brushing my teeth, I notice that Spencer has also changed and is leaning against my headboard, looking thoughtful.

"What's on your mind Spence?" I ask quietly after sitting down on my bed.

Spencer looks up from his hands, "Why did you tell Dave that you were going to keep me?"

My desire for sleep must be clouding my brain because I can't follow Spencer's train of thought, "What are you talking about?"

He frowns, "That night we went to Aaron's house. The first time you met Rossi for a family dinner."

I shiver in remembrance; "It was irresponsible for none of you to tell him the rules. What if he had touched me? What if I had panicked and scared Jack?"

"We were sorry Kitty Cat. Everyone thought someone else had taken care of it. You know that he wouldn't have touched you." Spencer smiles, "As for scaring Jack, he probably would have kicked Dave in your defense. You taught him well Catherine."

I smile faintly.

"Catherine," he sighs, "You were half asleep but you told JJ that you were keeping me."

I roll my eyes and try not to blush, "Spencer, I've been telling you for years that I'm going to keep you. When have you ever known me to go back on my word?"

"Never," he answers promptly.

I smile, "Exactly."

"But why?" he asks, looking perplexed.

I feel uneasy, "Why what?"

Spencer turns to face me, "Why did you want to keep me?"

Spencer is using the wrong verb tense; it should be 'Why do I want to keep him'. Not 'Why did I'. I don't like where this conversation is going, "You want to know why? Not when?"

He frowns, "When what?"

I bite my lip, "When I decided that I should keep you?"

Spencer smiles kindly, "Oh. Well yes, I would like to know that as well."

I'm digging myself a hole and I'm not sure how I'll be able to get out, "I'll answer your second question first. I asked Jenny if I could keep you the same day we met. Do you remember?"

"Of course I remember," he says and blushes, "I came over to see if JJ would help me practice for my gun qualifications and you were hiding in the living room, reading The Jabberwocky."

"I was not hiding," I protest.

He laughs, "You were too."

I cross my arms, "If I was hiding, so were you. You sat on the edge of the couch, just close enough inside the living room to keep an eye on me. You profiled Jenny's apartment."

Spencer shrugs, "It was the first time I had been invited inside."

I purse my lips, "Huh. I didn't know that."

He leans forward, "You never asked?"

I shrug, "Nope. I just assumed that Jenny wouldn't leave me with someone she didn't trust, even if I didn't know you."

Spencer rearranges the pillows on my bed and leans back against my headboard, "You haven't answered my question."

I smile, "You're right, we're getting off topic. The reason that I wanted you to stick around, why I wanted to keep you is that you're pretty frickin' awesome Spence."

He frowns, "That doesn't answer my question."

I roll my eyes, "Well that's all you're going to get out of me tonight. I'm tired Spence. I just want to sleep."

He smirks, "You don't want me to read to you?"

My jaw drops, "Are you serious?"

Spencer's lips twitch as if he is fighting off a smile, "I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't."

I can't keep the smile off my face, "Then yes please. Which book did you bring?"

Spencer picks up an old book from my bedside table, "I have volume one of Proust's Remembrance of Thing's Past."

I frown and start moving pillows, "Where did you get a copy of À la Recherche du Temps Perdu?"

Spencer smiles and helps me turn down the bed, "My mother gave it to me."

I smile and curl up under the covers, "Of course she did."

Spencer lies down next to me and opens the book.

I pull up the blankets to cover both of us and rest my head on his shoulder.

Spencer's voice is low and comforting, "For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say I'm going to sleep."

* * *

And I began to ask myself what it could have been,

this unremembered state which brought with it no logical proof of its existence,

but only the sense that it was a happy,

that it was a real state in whose presence

other states of consciousness melted and vanished.

I decided to attempt to make it reappear.

– Marcel Proust

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review.


	17. Jennifer Jareau meets Emily Prentiss

**IMPORTANT:** Please take note of the date at the beginning of the chapter; it will save you lots of confusion.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or Aesop's Fables. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

**Chapter 15: Jennifer Jareau meets Emily Prentiss**

* * *

So we beat on, boats against the current,

borne back ceaselessly into the past.

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

* * *

Monday November 13, 2006

I lean against my bedroom door, staring at the fetal position my baby sister managed to curl herself into after I left my bed. I need a moment to collect myself. My voice is rough when I start to talk, "Kitty Cat you really need to wake up now."

She shudders.

"Come on sweetheart, I've already woken you up properly twice." I sound like I have been crying, and indeed I have been, but I need to cover that up before Catherine notices, she will only blame herself more than she already does. She was already terribly upset with herself for keeping me up last night.

"I don't wanna Jenny," mumbles my little sister into her pillow.

Una glares at me sleepily from her position next to Catherine's head. That cat sure makes a good guard dog.

"Catherine," I say firmly.

She shoots up in bed. Pure panic taints my little sister's voice, "Jenny I can't go to school today." Her breathing speeds up, "Please! I can't be around more people, they get too close and they brush up against me. I don't want to be touched! Please don't make me go Jenny!"

We don't have time for a panic attack today. I need to snap her out of this quickly. Normally I would be more sympathetic; after all, Catherine was up until three with nightmares but she doesn't have a choice about going to class today. Catherine's Shakespeare class is supposed to be writing an in-class essay worth 20% of their final grade. Usually my baby sister loves going to school and learning new things, but nightmares shake the fragile foundations we have managed to rebuild. So instead of being kind and letting my baby sister stay inside and rebuild her mental walls I steel myself and say, "Catherine Jareau get out of bed right now. You have class in a few hours and if we don't leave in the next thirty minutes, you're going to make me late for work."

Her voice sounds so broken, "I'm sorry Jenny."

I take a step towards my bed, "Just get out of bed and get ready." I sigh, "Please Princess."

Catherine climbs out of bed and picks up Una, holding the large black cat to her chest. "Yes 'um," she whispers brokenly.

_Crap, she's using her cat as a shield against me again. I need to fix this and fast, before she starts to withdraw even more. _I take one more step towards my baby sister; "You can come hang out in my office after class okay?"

Tired blue eyes look up at me from under a fringe of golden lashes, "Do you promise?"

I smile slightly, asking for a promise is better than shutting me out, "Yes Catherine. I promise that as long as we are not pulled away on a case you can come visit me this afternoon."

"Thank you Jenny," she whispers.

"Don't forget to bring your go bag just incase you need to spend the night at Penelope's." Time to change the subject, "Now, I've made pancakes. Come eat after you've gotten dressed." I turn and walk towards the door.

"Jenny?" Catherine calls out hesitantly.

Her question stop me short, I turn back to my sister, "Yes Princess?"

"I love you," she whispers, a blush staining her alabaster cheeks.

I take the five steps necessary to my bed and gather my baby sister in my arms, "I love you too Catherine."

My Faerie Princess doesn't do anything other than tremble in my arms. I kiss the top of her head, "Up babe."

Catherine makes gagging noises, disentangles herself from my arms and runs for the adjoining bathroom.

I can hear her throwing up. I sigh in frustration; lack of sleep is making me careless. If possible, I feel even more horrible for pushing Catherine to go to class now.

* * *

I am the first out of the team to the office. This is not surprising since it is just past seven o'clock in the morning. Ugh, I hate Mondays. Well not always, sometimes it's nice to get back to work and see the rest of my family. Although I could do without the extra case files that pile up over the weekend. I really hate running around on three hours of sleep. I just hope we don't have to leave on another case today. That would ruin my carefully constructed façade of being perfectly fine and devastate Catherine, she needs somewhere to hide today and I can't leave her home alone. After looking at pictures of dead bodies all day I need to see my little sister as much as she needs to see me after her nightmares.

I spend a while in my office going over case files. I sigh in relief when nothing requires the entire team's immediate attention. I pick up my cup of coffee and groan when I realize that it's empty. I take a quick inventory of how many more files I need to go through and groan again, it is definitely time for more coffee. I gather up the stacks of folders for Derek, Spence, Gideon and Hotch and make my way into the bullpen.

I meet Spencer in the hall outside my office.

He gives my his customary wave in greeting, "Hi JJ."

My arms are full so I just smile and say, "Hi Spence."

Spencer looks both nervous and happy when he asks, "Is Catherine coming over after class today?"

My lips twitch, Spencer is so sweet when it comes to my little sister, "Yes."

His eyes light up, "Oh good, I have this new book on an analysis and a disambiguation of Aesop's Fables and the various translations that I think she'll like because last week we were discussing-"

I cut him off, "I'll let Catherine know when she comes in okay Spence?"

He bounces on the balls of his feet, "Sounds good. Oh JJ?"

I look up at my baby sister's favorite adult male, "Yes Spencer?"

He bites his lip and looks nervous; "I can take my portion of files now if you want."

I hand over nine files to Spencer for analysis, "That would be great Spence."

Spencer's smile as he opens the bullpen door for me is genuine.

"Thanks Spence," I say and walk past him to place Derek's stack of files on his desk. I smile and mouth 'hello' because Derek is on the phone with a detective.

He winks at me and nods his head in the direction of Hotch's office.

I look up; someone is in there with him.

I walk around Elle's old desk and up the stairs to Gideon's office to deposit his share of the case files currently weighing down my arms. Just like every Monday for the past year and a half, Gideon isn't in yet. He runs a class at the Academy at eight o'clock every Monday morning. I pity the cadets; Gideon is too much of a morning person for my tastes.

I knock on Hotch's open office door before I enter.

He smiles at me, and stands up, "Hello JJ." He gestures to the woman sitting in front of his desk, "This is Agent Emily Prentiss. She is our new team member."

Hotch turns to the brunette and says, "Agent Prentiss this is JJ, our Media Liaison."

Prentiss. I freeze momentarily in Hotch's doorway. Now that is a name I haven't thought about in a long time. _Wait a minute; did Hotch just say Emily Prentiss?_ I shiver. The name immediately makes me think of Jessie. _Can it be the same person? What are the chances? Is it even possible?_ I take a minute to covertly study her. It's not profiling if I'm just trying to figure out who the hell she is. This woman, with her pale skin, long dark hair and dark brown eyes resembles a colder version of the girl in the photograph, a fifteen-year-old Emily Elizabeth Prentiss, pen pal to my older sister Jessie. _My god, it's her._ It has to be.

_Where the hell did she come from? Okay Jen, that wasn't the most intelligent question. She's obviously been promoted. I'll have to ask Penelope about her. I want to know where she has been and what she has been up to since Jessie's death. Does she know? She must. The letters stopped coming. Will she recognize me? I don't think so. She wouldn't have any reason to know who I am, Jessie never sent her a picture of the two of us just herself._

Hotch has continued talking while I was panicking and I am momentarily at a loss.

The woman standing in front of me holds out her hand, "Emily Prentiss," she says cordially, "Pleased to meet you."

Still in shock I shake her hand and smile faintly, "JJ, nice to meet you as well." I expect to see some sort of reaction to my nickname but there isn't one.

Hotch interrupts my internal musings again, "JJ when you have a minute, I need you to get Agent Prentiss up to speed."

I smile at Aaron, "Sure Hotch." I turn to Emily, "Come see me later today or tomorrow morning and I will make sure you have all the necessary knowledge for filling out reports."

Later, when Hotch introduces the team to Emily her eyes flicker to me again when my last name is announced as Jareau. She looks momentarily startled before walls come up and the emotions in her eyes are gone. Any lingering doubts I might have had as to Emily's identity are removed with the way she keeps staring at me; Emily looked like she has seen a ghost. I almost want to tell Emily who I am, but I haven't ever had direct contact with Emily. Hell, I haven't even had indirect contact with her outside of Jessie's letters, and those letters stopped seventeen years ago, before Emily started University. I have no idea who she is now or what she had been up too. Maybe she doesn't even remember Jessie. No, that's not right, Emily obviously half recognized my name and she's still staring at me.

Calling her Agent Prentiss or even just Prentiss feels like a punch to my stomach. I should be calling her Emily, but that would indicate familiarity and I have no idea how to explain my recognition of our new teammate to the rest of my BAU family. No one knows about Jessie. They think that Catherine is and always has been my only sibling. This Emily Prentiss doesn't seem like the same teenager writing letters to my big sister, she seems so much colder. I suppose seventeen years is a long time, people change.

Emily Prentiss shows up at my office door soon after she is introduced to the team. I am pleasantly surprised to note that she has brought lunch for both of us. I quickly get Emily up to speed. Even though it is only paperwork, there is a certain way that it needs to be filled out so that it doesn't have to be redone. Emily catches on fast enough and a dark comment said under her breath makes me smile involuntarily. I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to hear her comparing bureau paperwork to Dante's Inferno.

Before she leaves, Emily turns back to me and says quietly, "You can call me Emily."

I almost choke on the air I just inhaled.

She takes a step back when I don't answer, "Only if you want too."

I smile hesitantly, "Emily, you can call me JJ."

"Bye JJ, I'll see you later," Her smile is genuine and completely void of the cold exterior I saw earlier.

"Bye Emily," I say softly.

She leaves, closing my office door behind her.

_Now what am I supposed to do?_

Although I don't envy her, and even feel a little sorry for Emily, I still thank my lucky stars that she will be in a meeting with Chief Strauss when Catherine is supposed to arrive. I still have no idea what to say to either of them. I know that in Emily's letters to Jessie she expressed a desire to meet Jessie's Faerie Princess, who also happens to be my baby sister. I do think Emily should meet Catherine. However, now would not be a good time. Catherine is too fragile and I need to feel Emily out before I can really consider putting them together in the same room. Maybe Catherine and I should duck out early today. I tell myself that I am not avoiding one Emily Prentiss but I know it to be a lie.

I wonder what I will need to disclose to Catherine about Emily. Should I divulge to her that Emily was Jessie's pen pal? I've never told her plainly about Emily and Jessie and all the letters they shared before. Should I tell her anything at all? I don't want to hurt my Princess. I mean, I told Catherine about Emily. Oh not her name, or anything specific. Only that she was a great friend to our sister Jessie and that she drew the picture that hangs in my room. The one that used to belong to Jessie, the one entitled The Faerie Princess. Emily Prentiss was a fairy tale for Catherine: someone to tell stories about to calm my baby sister while she was in the hospital, after being rescued. They were only told after nightmares woke her up, screaming without making a sound and silently crying. Emily was not someone who ever existed in our day-to-day life.

I presented Emily, or The Faerie Queen, as I named her almost as an imaginary friend of Jessie's. Even a brilliant child of seven, waking up from nightmares that seem all too real, wouldn't stop to consider the veracity of my stories. Especially when the only thing my baby sister wanted was to hear my voice. Every single story was made-up, a fantasy, but even fictional stories always have an element of truth. Since we never spoke of her again, after Catherine was released, I don't know if my Faerie Princess even remembers anything about my stories.

Maybe I should just introduce Emily as a coworker. Penelope wants the three of us to have a girls' night soon, caseload permitting as always. Perhaps we should have our girls' night next Friday. We could invite Emily along; she might agree to come, if we phrase it just right. We could have it at our apartment so that Catherine will be more comfortable. Damn it! Eventually I'm going to have to say something to Emily about Catherine.

"Hi Jenny," comes a barely audible whisper from my doorway.

I hear it only because I am expecting something similar. "Hi Catherine," I smile and lean over to close the blinds, this is my 'do not disturb' sign. The rest of the team knows what time Catherine is supposed to show up and usually gives us some time alone before they converge on my office, asking for my baby sister's attention.

Catherine closes the door behind her and limps slowly past my desk, keeping an eye on me.

I frown at my sister's careful gait, "Is your leg hurting you again Princess?"

She stops walking, shrugs and looks away.

I sigh, "Come here."

She capitulates, turning the corner of my desk and stopping in front of me, just out of reach.

Sometimes I wonder if Catherine gives in to me because I am the one who raised her, or if it's because she is terrified of what that monster did to her happening again. I hold my arms out to her and wait patiently.

Catherine takes a minute, to calm her breathing before walking into my open arms.

I hug my sister tightly.

She leans into me.

I pick her up and gently set her back down sideways in my lap, "Who drove you in today?"

She frowns, "How did you know someone drove me?"

I roll my eyes, "Catherine, you never take the bus when your leg is bothering you."

Catherine rests her head on my shoulder and shudders before replying, "Mrs. Irving drove me." Mrs. Grace Irving is an elderly neighbour who took a shine to Catherine back when we first moved into our apartment last year. Mrs. Irving is also someone who really shouldn't be driving.

I frown, "Why did Mrs. Irving drive you? Why didn't Professor Shearer?" Professor Caris Shearer teaches at both Georgetown and the FBI Academy. She has been giving Catherine a lift back to Quantico every Monday and Wednesday this past semester because Catherine is in her last class of the day.

"Caris is doing extra office hours this week because we have a paper due next week," whispers Catherine.

I smile into her hair, "Another one?"

She rolls her eyes, "Yes Jenny, another one."

"How many does that make this semester Kitty Cat?" I ask teasingly, I already know the answer.

She huffs in annoyance, "Three Jenny and we still have to write an eight page research paper."

I run my fingers through Catherine's unbraided hair, "Spence has a book for you Princess."

"He does?" her green eyes light up, "Did he say what it was about? I should go see Spence right now. He promised me a book on-"

"Stop," I command.

She stops.

"Breathe," I instruct.

She breathes.

I look at her seriously, "I need to tell you something else first."

Catherine frowns, "What is it Jenny?"

I take a deep breath, "Our new teammate arrived today." Hopefully Catherine will want to stay in my office and not sit in the bullpen with Derek and Spencer. Everyone is so protective of my little sister that I honestly don't know what any of us would do if she met Emily today and panicked. I just know that it would be really bad because we haven't had time to properly prepare either of them.

She wrinkles her nose, "Elle's replacement?"

I tap her nose with my finger, "Yes, but don't call her that."

"I won't-" she cuts herself off, "Her Jenny? Another girl?" Catherine smiles softly, "You won't be quite so outnumbered now."

I laugh quietly, "Yes Kitty Cat, another woman. Her name is Emily Prentiss."

Catherine stiffens in my arms, "Where is she? Is she in the bullpen? I don't have to meet her today do I Jenny?"

I kiss the top of my sister's head, "No sweetheart, you don't have to meet Emily today if you don't want to. Besides, she's in a meeting with Strauss."

Catherine sighs in relief before snickering, "Poor her."

I chuckle quietly, "We can talk about this more when we get home okay?"

Catherine stands up, "Okay Jenny."

I give her a slight push towards the door, "Go find Spence and get your book, but come right back."

Catherin rolls her eyes and says, "Yes mom!"

"Catherine!" I whine in exasperation.

My happily laughing Faerie Princess wrenches the door open and darts out of my office.

It's nice to see a smile on her face, even if it as my expense. Catherine believes that I dislike being referred to as her mother. In truth I don't, I have considered her mine since the first time I held her in my arms when she was but a few hours old.

* * *

"Sometimes," said Pooh, "the smallest things

take up the most room in your heart."

- A. A. Milne

* * *

AN: Thank you for reading, please review.

AN2: Next week's chapter is going to be a little bit late because I will not be at home at all next week. So the update will be dependant on my friend giving me access to her computer as well as my being awake at 3 when I need to be up at 6. Have a great week everyone :)


	18. We Need to Talk Part 1

AN: Thank you for all of your reviews :) This chapter is set a week after If You Survive; the long awaited conversation between JJ and Emily. JJ's point of view.

**Spoiler Alert: **If You Survive and Maybe Baby.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine.

* * *

**Chapter 16: We Need to Talk**

**Part 1**

* * *

If you have a sister and she dies,

do you stop saying you have one?

Or are you always a sister,

even when the other half of the equation is gone?

- Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

* * *

Friday March 27, 2009

I knock on Emily's condo door and wait patiently for her to answer. I know that she is home because I can hear her moving around inside the condo and because Catherine was very insistent that I go see Emily tonight. When Emily answers the door, I am so shocked by her appearance; I don't think I have ever seen her look so broken. Not even last week when we were working on Matthew Benton's case.

"My God Emily, you look awful. Haven't you slept at all?" I blurt out before I can censure myself.

Emily's lips twitch, "It's nice to see you too JJ." Emily steps back from the door without inviting me in.

This is definitely Catherine's influence; I don't invite anyone in either. I step through the door way into the hall and frown, "You didn't answer my question Emily."

Emily, looking pained, closes her eyes for a few seconds before answering, "Yes I've slept."

I watch her face very closely while I ask my next question, "Are you sure?"

She glares, "This isn't why I asked you to come over JJ."

I roll my eyes, "Oh really? You don't say. Please enlighten me, oh great Queen Emily. Why did you ask Catherine to babysit Henry tonight?"

She rolls her eyes and laughs, "A Queen? Really JJ? Not an Empress?"

I smirk, "Well, I wasn't going for alliteration, but I can change it if necessary. Then you'll be Empress Emily Elizabeth Prentiss."

She groans, "No don't change it. That one is definitely worse."

"Emily?" I ask hesitantly.

Her reply is barely more than a whisper, "Yeah JJ?"

Something is really wrong so I try to keep my tone light to balance out some of Emily's pain, "Look, I'm a little tired Emily. I've been up with Henry; he's got a cold. I don't envy Catherine, having to look after him tonight. Can we sit down somewhere or would you rather continue talking in your front entrance?"

She blushes, "Gosh JJ. I feel like such an idiot. I'm sorry. I didn't know Henry was sick. We can sit down in the living room."

I kick off my shoes and follow Emily down the hall to her living room. I flop down on to one end of the comfortable couch and put my feet up on the ottoman.

Emily on the other hand, curls up into the other available end of said couch and stares at her hands.

Her behavior reminds me of Catherine after she has had a particularly difficult week. I know that Emily hasn't been to work all week. Hotch and Rossi would only say that she was taking a few personal days. I know that Catherine has spent more time at Emily's condo this past week than she has at our home, but nothing could have prepared me for a visibly devastated Emily Prentiss. What the hell happened to cause a reaction this bad?

"Hey Em," I say, keeping my voice low and soothing, "Why was it so important for Catherine to babysit Henry tonight? We're not having a girls' night, those usually include both Penelope and Catherine."

Emily looks up, but her gaze doesn't meet my eyes, "Creirwy (kree-ree) and I had a talk a week ago…" she trails off.

I raise an eyebrow, "Oh? And this talk was so earth-shattering that you waited a week to talk about it with me?"

"I couldn't-" Emily's breathing hitches, "Please don't JJ."

Now I'm confused, "Please don't what?"

"Please don't make this more difficult than it already is," she whispers.

I murmur, "You're scaring me Emily."

She flinches, "I'm sorry JJ."

I keep my voice firm, the way that I do when trying to get information out of my baby sister Catherine, "Emily."

Emily's eyes meet mine, "Yes JJ?"

"Talk to me," I make sure that I don't flinch at Emily's repeated use of Jessie's and now my nickname.

"I- uh," she tries I again, "I knew your sister."

I roll my eyes, "Of course you know my sister Emily. Catherine has practically lived here ever since you gave her an actual bedroom instead of guest room. Why did you do that Emily? I know that she adores you, you know that too, but why?"

"I gave her a bedroom because she deserves to have one here. I wanted to give her a safe place to-"

I fail to hide the hurt in my voice; "She's safe with me."

"J-" she stops herself short, "I know that she is safe with you. Creirwy (kree-ree) knows it too." She smiles sadly, "Jennifer Jareau, you are her hero."

I blush. It has been a long time since I have thought of myself as Catherine's hero. Usually I just think of her as my baby sister, or my daughter, someone who needs to be protected. Someone I would lay down my life for, just as I would for Henry.

Emily continues to speak softly, "I gave Catherine the room because I think of her as my little sister and she'll need a second option, somewhere to go when she needs to work quietly, or when she's scared or staying home alone with Will. I want to be that person for her. And I didn't mean Catherine earlier, I meant Jessie. I- I was her pen pal for three and a half years."

I stop breathing and don't say anything as all of the implications of Emily's quietly passionate speech fill me. 1. Catherine is still scared of Will. I honestly thought she had mostly gotten over the terror my boyfriend inspires in my little sister.

2. Emily Prentiss loves my little sister. Oh I know that she didn't come out and say it, that is so not her style, but I know it's true. It is in her every action when dealing with my Faerie Princess.

3. Jessie, sometimes hearing that name still hurts, and right now it hurts because my dead sister's name has come out of Emily's mouth. I haven't heard anyone besides Catherine and myself say Jessie's name in a long time. Even Raphael Vaughn, Rafe, when I do talk to him, won't talk about Jessica because her death still hurts him.

"Did you know?" Emily asks quietly.

I exhale before rolling my eyes and crossing my arms defensively, "Of course I knew Emily. I recognized you almost instantly from Jessie's picture. I inherited it you know, along with all of your letters and the sketch you drew of The Faerie Princess."

Emily frowns, "Why didn't you say anything?"

I raise an eyebrow and frown back at her, "Why didn't you?"

She looks away, "I don't know."

I shrug, "I always thought that you would tell me if you figured it out." My lips twitch and I try to prevent a smile from forming, "So when did you? It must have been relatively recently because I know you recognized my online scrabble name when we played on Wednesday."

Emily frowns, "I figured it out last week, while I was talking to Catherine."

I snort, "Wow Em, it's been two years. What gave it away?"

"Catherine referred to herself as The Faerie Princess. I know that it took a long time for me to put the pieces together JJ. It's just," she pauses, "I thought about it when I first met you, but I convinced myself that I was wrong. Catherine wasn't born before Jessie died; Jessie had said that she would be, that she would wait. I wanted The Faerie Princess, Catherine, to exist, but I never knew if she was really real or if Jessie was just making stuff up. I swear I wanted her to be real."

I smile at my friend, "I know that you did Emily. Remember, I read your letters."  
Emily blushes. "Um JJ?" she says quietly.

"Yes Emily?" I answer just as softly.

Emily bites her lip, "Jessie wrote me a letter before she- before she died."

I smile at Emily trying and failing to be delicate.

She sighs and locks her eyes on mine, "I want you to read it JJ."

I am shocked and appalled, flabbergasted and amazed all at the same time, "You what?"

Emily smiles a little before repeating her earlier words, "I want you to read the letter Jessie sent me."

I sit there in stunned silence while Emily gets up off the couch and walks out of the living room. I still haven't moved when she comes back with an open small dark green box, filled to the brim with letters.

It hits me; Emily Prentiss must have every single letter Jessie ever wrote to her. It makes my heart ache. Here is someone who loved, and was loved by my big sister and I haven't ever really reached out to her. I mean, we're coworkers, and friends, good friends even. But Jessie was my world and I didn't want to share her with anyone. Catherine is the exception to that rule because she is a part of me, just as much as she is a part of Jessie.

Emily pulls out a single letter from the bottom of the box.

I can see that the paper is pale green. It's not something I ever thought to keep fresh in my mind, but I vaguely recognize it as some of Jessie's favorite stationary.

Emily takes the letter out of the envelope and hands it to me.

I take it gently and unfold the piece of pale green paper. The lavender ink makes me smile but shape of the letters themselves bring tears to my eyes as I remember the long hours I spent learning how to imitate Jessie's handwriting. I have written like her for so long that it comes naturally now, but it didn't then. I take a moment to calm my breathing before I begin reading the letter, I don't want to cry and leave tear marks all over something Emily obviously cherishes. In the end it wouldn't have mattered because when I look closer, I can see the splotches where someone, possibly Jessie but probably Emily, had already cried.

* * *

_July 23, 1989_

_Emily,_

_I am truly sorry that our one and only opportunity to meet did not go as well as we intended. Again, I am so sorry; I didn't mean to make you cry. I really am doing what I believe is best for me. I cannot continue to live like this. My medication drags me down even more than any voice I might possibly have heard in my head. I am glad that I got to meet you. Your friendship over the past two and a half years has meant so much to me. I am glad that I had a chance to write to you, know you and meet you in person._

_Don't worry about what happened in Italy; I am quite sure that Matthew will figure everything out. You haven't heard from him in a while, maybe he got better in time for graduation. If he was held back because of how much school he missed, he will have lots of time to be better by the time he graduates next year._

_Don't hate yourself for what you did, Emily, you survived and now you have a chance to live, so live. Go to University, graduate, get a job, save lives, have a family, save more lives. You are going to be even more amazing than you already are. What you are going to achieve is so much more that what I could ever hope to accomplish. I am drowning Emily. I am barely surviving as it is and only knowing that I have chosen a failsafe date, which is quickly approaching, gets me through the day._

_I had a dream a while back that one day you would meet my little sister Jenny and that the two of you will be great friends. I am so happy for both of you, but what makes me even happier is the other dream that I had: You, my dear Emily, are going to meet my faerie princess. I know you know about whom I am speaking. You will know her when you meet her Emily, just like Jenny will know her when she first holds her. Jenny will look so very familiar to you and when you meet the princess, you will understand everything that I have told you. She is so very important Emily. She will be there when you need her most but you won't be there when she falls apart. Being away from your family, unable to help will eat at you but your return will help everyone. You always come back Emily. You are a survivor._

_Your daughter will be gorgeous Emily, a true sea goddess. She will look just like you, nothing of her father in her, I promise. She is going to love you so much Emily, for a long time, you will be her whole world._

_I want you to know that I am leaving a letter for Jenny. It is rather pitiful, but I don't know how to explain myself to Jenny in a way that won't irreparably damage her. She needs to be strong. Eventually she will be strong, I am sure of it, a white phantom warrior. She will protect the faerie princess just like she promised._

_I am going to trust you with something important Emily: please keep the enclosed letter for the faerie princess. You can read it if you want to, but know that I would prefer that she read it first. So you might have to wait a rather long while._

_Don't forget to always keep your promises. Never make one that you are not one hundred percent certain you can keep._

_I also want to thank you for trying to save me. It was really very sweet of you, but some of us are just not meant to survive._

_Thank you for being my friend._

_All my love,_

_Jessica Joy, JJ, Jessie_

* * *

Tears are streaming down my face and I don't bother to wipe them away, just as I can't hide the pain in my voice, "Why did she leave a letter for you and not me?"

"JJ," says Emily gently.

I continue, "She even left one for Catherine, our Faerie Princess, our baby sister who didn't even exist yet."

"JJ!" Emily exclaims loudly.

I explode, "Don't call me that!"

"What? Why not?" Emily frowns, "Everyone calls you JJ. It's how you introduced yourself."

I mutter darkly, "Everyone but Catherine, Jessie and Rafe." A brilliant idea pops into my head, "Emily?"

Emily looking properly chastised, even if that wasn't my intention, answers me quickly, "Yes JJ?"

I bite my lip. _Do I really want to do this? Do I want to open myself up to possible rejection?_ The answer is yes, because the possible outcome will be so much better than this. I force myself to look Emily in the eye as I make my proposal, "I was wondering if you would like to call me Jennifer or Jen, like Catherine does, in private… or public I suppose. I honestly don't know about work…" I trail off and look at Emily hopefully.

Emily looks puzzled, "Why?"

I roll my eyes, "Because Emily, it must hurt you just as much as it hurts me to hear Jessie's nickname and not have it attached to her."

She bites her lip, "Well yes it does, but it's your name now isn't it? You've had it for longer than Jessie ever did."

I flinch.

Emily winces, "Oh God Jennifer I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

I look away before answering, "I know and it's true. I have used JJ for longer than Jessie, but it has always been her name. I'm just borrowing it."

She sighs, "I'm still sorry Jen. I shouldn't have said that."

I shrug and decide not to comment on Emily's apology, "Do you still have Catherine's letter or did she bring it home with her?"

Emily smiles, "I don't have it Jennifer. Creirwy (kree-ree) took it and I'm not sure where she has hidden it."

"Oh," I say dejectedly.

Emily holds out her right hand to me, "You could always ask Catherine to let you read it Jen. I know that Jessie's letter to you wasn't much of a letter, but she loved you Jennifer. You were the reason she waited as long as she did."

I clasp it with my left, "I still miss her Emily."

"I know you do Jennifer. I miss her too. You wear her necklace when you're worried or sad. You're wearing it right now and you were wearing it back in October when Spencer and I were-" She cuts herself off.

I frown, Emily is right.

Emily looks at me shyly, "Can I tell you something Jen?"

My lips twitch, "I don't know, can you?"

She lets out a single bark of a laugh before stopping herself; "Catherine has been rubbing off on you then."

I smirk, "Who do you think taught her?"

Emily laughs again. Then she runs a hand through her tangled curls, "I visited Jessie right after I graduated high school. I think you were in school that day," she muses.

I bite the inside of my cheek, "I know Emily."

Emily frowns, "Wait. What? How did you know?"

I raise an eyebrow, "You added your name and the date to Jessie's tree house."

Emily smiles sadly, "Yes, I remember. Jessie said my visit was important and every significant date had to be added to the tree house wall. I thought it was cute."

I smile softly in remembrance, "Yes, she was rather pushy."

Emily tilts her head and gives me a funny look, "Did you continue that tradition the way you continued the candles on high holidays and the way you took Jessie's nickname as your own?"

Uncomfortable with this line of questioning, I look away and don't answer.

Emily exhales quietly, "When did you find our names and the date Jennifer?"

I shudder, "The night after Catherine was taken."

Emily flinches, "Oh god Jen, that must have been horrible. I'm sorry for bringing it up."

I shrug, not able to make my mouth spit out the words sitting on my tongue.

Emily looks at me, "Do you want me to continue Jennifer or do you want me to stop talking and bringing up bad memories?"

I hold up one finger, still not able to talk. My mind is still half on the night after my baby sister was kidnapped. I slept in Jessie's tree house because I couldn't stand being in the same house as my parents. I blamed them for Catherine's abduction and in some ways I still do.

Emily nods at me and starts talking again in a low voice, "I knew what Jessie wanted to do…" she pauses and looks away from me before whispering, "I knew that she wanted to die."  
The reminder is painful, but nineteen long years have dulled some of the pain of losing my big sister, the center of my universe. I finally get my tongue to work. I say it, both because it's the truth and because Emily needs to hear it, "I'm not angry Emily."

Emily looks confused, "You don't blame me? You don't hate me?"

I am so confused, "Why would I blame you Emily? It's not like you-" I gag before continuing, "Helped Jessie commit suicide."

Emily wraps her arms around her middle, looking for all the world like she is trying to physically stop herself from falling to pieces. "I couldn't save Jessie. I tried Jen. I swear I did. But it didn't work." Emily starts crying, "I'm so sorry."

I think it hurts me even more because Emily's crying isn't making any sound at all.

I move over to the other end of the couch where Emily is mumbling something that I can't quite make out. "What are you saying Emily?"

Emily is shaking and crying uncontrollably, "Jessie asked me for permission."

I can't breathe._ God dammit Jessie how could you do that to Emily?_

Emily continues in a quiet voice, "And, I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no either… Jennifer I'm so very very very sorry. I didn't know what else to do."

I decide to continue treating Emily similar to the way I treat my baby sister so I run my fingers through Emily's tangled hair, trying to get her to calm down a bit. I bite my lip, "You were eighteen right Em?"

Emily lifts her head up from where it was resting on her knees, "Yes. What of it? Why does my age matter?"

I pull on gently on one of Emily's curls, "You were eighteen. Jessie was fifteen. You were still kids Emily. If I blame you then I would have to blame myself and I gave up blaming myself a long time ago. It was Jessie's decision to commit suicide. You were not responsible for her. Jessie was responsible for herself, or if you want to be obtuse, my parents were responsible for not noticing her downward spiral." I hand Emily a tissue.

She wipes her eyes and whispers, "Are you sure Jennifer?"

I squeeze her hand, "Yes I'm sure. Jessie thanked you for trying to save her Emily. How could I possibly blame you when it sounds like Jessie desperately wanted to die?"  
Emily gives me a watery smile.

I frown, "Not that I'm not grateful, but why are you telling me this Emily?"

Emily fixes me with her piercing eyes, "Because you deserve to know Jennifer. I know that Jessie was the center of your universe until you were eleven, just as I know that Catherine still has you at the center of hers."

I laugh, "I'm pretty sure I share that position with two other adults and two children Emily."

Emily's brow is furrowed, "What are you talking about Jen?"

I smile, "You, Me, Spencer, Jack and Henry."

Emily's eyes twinkle, "Are you going to push that or wait and see?"

I roll my eyes, "Catherine is eighteen. Of course I'm going to wait."

Emily bites her lip, "And if it takes too long?"

I frown, "I don't know. We can always revisit this topic at a later date."

She frowns, "You want to talk to me about it?"

I raise an eyebrow, "Who else would I talk to?"

"Penelope Garcia," says Emily firmly.

I smile, "I love Penelope but there is no way that she would be able to keep this a secret Emily."

"Jennifer?" she says quietly.

"Emily?" I echo.

Emily is looking at her hands, "I think you should call Catherine…"

I frown, "Why?"

Emily sighs, "Because we're not finished talking about Jessie and I think you'll want to see Catherine and Henry when we are done."

I sigh, "Alright Emily, I'll call Catherine. Do you have beer or something else to drink?"

Emily frowns, "I should have wine in the cupboard next to the fridge."

"And Emily," I rise from the couch and wait for her to respond.

Emily stands up, "Yes Jennifer?"

My lips twitch, "While we wait for Catherine and Henry you should take a shower."

Emily rolls her eyes, "Yes mom."

I laugh quietly, "Pot meet kettle."

Emily's barking laugh gets fainter as she walks to her bedroom.

* * *

"Why did you do all this for me?" he asked.

"I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you.

"You have been my friend," replied Charlotte.

"That in itself is a tremendous thing."

- E. B. White, Charlotte's Web

* * *

AN2: I've had to cut this chapter in half, it was getting really out of control. But what do you think so far? Did the first half of the conversation live up to your expectations? The next chapter should be posted just after Halloween :)

last2know: Thank you for your review :)


	19. We Need to Talk Part 2

AN: This is a few days later that I wanted to be posting. Good luck to everyone writing for NaNoWriMo :)

**Spoiler Alert: **If You Survive and Maybe Baby.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or Dennis Lee's Alligator pie. Catherine Jareau and anything else you do not recognize are mine.

* * *

**Chapter 19:** We Need to Talk - Part 2

* * *

If you didn't remember something happening,

was it because it never had happened?

Or because you wished it hadn't?

- Jodi Picoult

* * *

After Emily's shower, the two of us curl up on the couch facing each other and holding glasses of red wine.

Thump… Thump… Thump…

Emily puts down her glass and her hand instantly goes to her hip, as if reaching for her service weapon. "What is that?" she demands and rises quickly from the couch.

I put my free hand on her arm and she freezes.

Emily looks down, "Jennifer?" she asks.

I smile up at her, "Don't worry Emily, that's just Catherine at the door."

She frowns, "That wasn't a knock, what on earth is she doing to my front door?"

I put my wine glass on the side table and snicker quietly, "She's kicking it."

Emily looks momentarily confused, "Why is she kicking my door?"

I remove my hand from Emily's arm and stand up, "Her arms are probably filled with Henry."

Emily's face softens momentarily at the mention of my son.

We walk down the hall towards the continued thumping.

Emily unlocks the door to her condo after looking through the peephole.

On the other side is my baby sister holding what must be my baby boy. It is kind of hard to tell since he his hat and scarf are covering most of his face and he is stuffed into a little blue snowsuit.

"Kitty Cat," I say in greeting and hold out my arms expecting a hug, instead I get a sleeping Henry. I tell myself that I am not jealous when Catherine immediately goes over to Emily and hugs her tightly.

"Hello Creirwy (Kree-ree)," whispers Emily.

Catherine takes a step back and pulls on one of Emily's still damp curls. "Oh good! Jen made you have a shower," she says with a cheeky grin on her face.

I laugh quietly and the tiny amount of nonexistent jealousy disappears with the smile my baby sister sends in my direction.

Emily hugs my sister tightly before releasing her and takes the traveling cot from where it hangs over Catherine's shoulder as well as her purse. Then Emily takes a still sleeping Henry from my arms before wandering off down the hall towards Catherine's bedroom.

Catherine looks at me hesitantly for a split second before throwing herself at me. I catch her easily and hold my trembling baby sister securely in my arms. "What's wrong Kitty Cat?" I murmur.

"I'm so sorry Jenny," she whispers, "I wanted to tell you, but Emmy said we had to wait until she could find the words to explain."

"It's okay Kitty Cat," I whisper back, "I'm not angry or even upset with you."

Catherine leans back form where she had buried her head in my shoulder, "What about Emmy?"

I am confused, "What do you mean what about Emily?"

She bites her lip, "Are you mad or upset or angry with her?"

I run my fingers through my hair, "No darling I'm not. I was a little bit sad, but Emily only figured it out last week and I've known for years."

Catherine wrinkles her nose, "What do you mean Jenny?"

I sigh, "I knew who Emily was the moment Aaron introduced us. I was sure Emily knew as well, she sure looked like she had seen a ghost."

Catherine frowns, "Emmy didn't say anything to me."

I raise an eyebrow, "Why would she?"

Catherine blinks, "Good point."

I tug my sister down the hall with me, following the same path as Emily a few minutes earlier.

Catherine leans on me and yawns widely.

I kiss her forehead, "Bedtime Kitty Cat."

She frowns up at me and her face starts to morph into a pout.

I look away before she can start using her puppy dog eyes on me. They don't usually work unless I am running low on sleep and I while I would love to have Catherine fall asleep on my lap while Emily and I talk, it just isn't feasible. Our conversation needs to be private because there are things that Catherine doesn't know about Emily or Jessie and I would like to keep it that way.

I hear something and put my arm out to stop Catherine from entering her bedroom.

She turns slightly and looks up at me, bewilderment written all over her face.

I hold a finger to my lips silently asking for silence.

Catherine frowns, but complies with my wishes.

I nod my head in the direction of her bedroom door.

Catherine creeps closer and tilts her head, listening intently.

I can just imagine the look on my baby sister's face when she hears and sees what I do.

Emily has set up the traveling cot for my son and she is singing to him. Her voice is too soft to make out the words or the language but the tone is one of love. Emily looks so comfortable holding and rocking my son. I know that she wants children and that I told her I could see it a few years ago but this picture really reinforces the idea in my mind: Emily would make a wonderful mother.

Catherine's right leg gives out and it's all I can do to catch her.

I curse internally about not picking up on her earlier limping.

Emily stops singing and places Henry in his cot before walking over to the door where I'm still trying to hold Catherine up.

"Do you want some help?" Emily asks quietly.

"Yes," I whisper back.

"No," whispers Catherine harshly.

Emily snorts and wraps her arms around my little sister, picking her up gently.

Catherine scowls as she wraps her arms around Emily's neck.

"Do you want to sleep in your room with Henry or in my room?"

"I'm not tired," she protests.

Emily chuckles, "My room it is," and starts walking down the hall away from Catherine's room.

I'm amazed that Catherine doesn't even struggle in Emily's arms.

By the time I finish saying goodnight to Henry, Emily has already tucked Catherine into her bed and has left her bedroom for the living room and our abandoned glasses of wine.

"Jenny," Catherine mumbles my name mostly asleep.

"Yes Kitty Cat?" I whisper as I walk over to the curled up form of my baby sister.

"The letter…" she trails off and yawns.

"Yes?" I prompt.

"'s in my bag," she slurs tiredly.

"What colour is it?" I ask for clarification, because Catherine has a habit of carrying coloured pieces of paper around for notes and origami.

She yawns again, "B-blue…"

I kiss her forehead, "Goodnight Princess."

"Night Jenny" she murmurs before falling asleep.

* * *

I pick up Catherine's bag from beside the bed; Emily must have left it there. I search through my baby sister's bag and finally find a blue envelope hidden in the back of her agenda. My breath catches in my throat, I recognize this envelope; I gave this stationary set to Jessie the last Christmas we spent together as a family. Tears well up in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. I can't cry right now, I don't want to wake Catherine up, so I take a moment to compose myself before carrying my precious cargo out to the living room where Emily is waiting patiently for me on the couch we vacated earlier.

"What have you got there Jen?" asks Emily

"Jessie's letter for Catherine," I whisper without looking up.

"Oh," Emily breathes out.

"Yeah," I whisper and finally look up at my friend.  
Emily is even paler than usual. She looks nervous and if I didn't know better, I would say that she looks scared.

I sit down and hold Emily's eyes with my own, "Do you know why Jessie did it Emily?"

She looks away.

"Emily?" I ask quietly.

Emily sighs, "How much do you remember about the year before Jessie died?"

I frown, "She was hospitalized for all of September and October."

Emily frowns.

"What?" I ask curiously.

Emily bites her lip and then she answers, "I thought Jessie was only in the hospital in October."

It's my turn to look away, "No, she was there for a really long time." I whisper, "It felt like forever."

Emily holds out her right hand and I grasp it tightly with my left. "The people who attacked Jessie were sending her threatening letters," she says, her voice barely above a whisper.

On the inside I'm crying and screaming and on the outside I'm frowning. "She didn't tell me that," I whisper brokenly.

"Of course she didn't Jennifer," Emily says not unkindly, "You were ten years old."

I bite my lip, what Emily said is true and it shouldn't hurt as much as it does.

"Are you going to read the letter now Jen?" Emily whispers into the painful silence.

I sigh, "What do you think I should do Emily?"

Emily frowns at me, "This is your decision Jennifer, not mine. She was your big sister, your world. This is her letter to Catherine, to someone she believed wholeheartedly in the existence of but still someone who wasn't born yet. Are you going to be able to read that and not break down?"

I honestly don't know and I tell Emily that.

"Well then," she says, "It is still up to you Jennifer but I'm here if you need me and so is Catherine. I'm sure she wouldn't object to being woken up."

We chuckle quietly. Catherine always wants to stay up and sometimes she is able to, but most of the time she falls asleep.

I bite my lip and look at Emily, "I want to read it."

She rolls her eyes, "So read it."

I roll my eyes back at Emily before looking down at the blue envelope still clutched tightly in my left hand. I take a deep breath before opening it and resist the temptation to smell both the envelope and letter, just to see if it still smells like Jessie after all these years. I can barely remember what Jessie smelled like and I wish the paper would smell of her but logically I know that it simply isn't possible and I don't want to disappoint myself.

The paper is a pale blue, just like I remembered from the stationary, and the writing, which is, silver was from Jessie's favourite pen. _I can do this. _I take a deep breath and let it out before lowering my eyes to the paper again to begin reading.

* * *

_My Faerie Princess,_

_I am writing this to you on what I expect will be your birthday next year. However I might be wrong since it is so very difficult to predict an accurate due date._

_I have been waiting such a long time, possibly my entire life to meet you, but I know that I shan't. I want you to know that I have wanted you to exist ever since I knew who you were. You are going to be amazing. I know you'll be even smarter than Jenny and me. You're going to be so important to Jenny, so please let her take care of you. She is the white phantom warrior and she knows just what to do._

_If you are actually receiving this letter then you have met Emily. I am so happy for both of you. If things had gone, as they should have, I might have been attacked and I would not have been sick. I would have been able to eventually deal with the trauma. Our parents should have raised you and you could be a ballerina. Mama has always wanted a dancer in the family; Jenny and I aren't capable of any form of classical dancing at the moment._

_I think you should know that Emily would have been important in your life, another sister, even if I had lived. Emily has always wanted a true family and we could have been that for her. So I apologize to both of you. I am sorry._

_I am going to mess everything up and for that I am so very sorry, but I just can hold on anymore. I'm drowning my princess and I have no raft or life preserver within reach, not that I would want one. I promise you that Emily tried very hard to save my life. It is exceedingly difficult for someone to be saved when they don't want to be. So please don't blame Emily. It is my fault, all my fault. I wish I could have stuck it out to meet you and then leave but it was not meant to be. I am so very tired my little faerie princess._

_I am resigned to my fate; I broke a geis, but you do not share my fate. If you do not know what that means, look it up or ask Emily or Jenny. Please don't ever give up, no matter what happens. It will take time but I know that you will have a wonderful life._

_I would like to leave you with a few pieces of advice since I won't get a change to raise you. Always keep your promises and do not ever make a promise that you cannot keep. Trust in genius and your family but be wary of dogs and sharks. Oh, I almost forgot, eat lots of blueberry pancakes but don't forget the chocolate chips if Jenny is eating with you._

_I love you so much Princess. I loved you before you were born, before you were even conceived. I loved you as soon as I knew who you were: my angel, my faerie princess. Take care of your family, of Emily and Jenny and whomever else you choose to include in that list._

_All my love,_

_Your big sister,_

_Jessica Joy Jareau  
_

* * *

I put the letter down on the coffee table in front of me, "There is no date on the letter Emily."

Emily's lips twitch, "I know."

I frown, "How do you know?"

She smiles sadly, "Catherine let me read it last week. After she was finished with it."

I try to curb my jealousy but two words escape before I can: "She what?!"

Emily holds up her hands, "Jen, calm down. Catherine didn't mean anything by it. I was there when she read the letter and she offered it to me, what was I supposed to do?"

Say no. Is what I want to say, but that would have been irrational and I cannot be irrational if I want Emily to give me answers about Jessie. I whisper, "I'm sorry."

She whisper's back, "It's all right Jennifer."

I sigh, "No it isn't. I really am sorry Emily. I shouldn't have shouted or-"

Emily cuts me off, "Really Jen it's okay. I would be surprised as well if my little sister shared a personal letter with someone who is practically a stranger. I-"

I interrupt her, "Emily you're not a stranger, you're family. I know that Catherine wouldn't have shared the letter with you if she didn't trust you. And are you honestly going to try and sell me on the idea that Catherine doesn't trust or love you?"

Emily frowns, "Well no but-"

I smile, "No buts."

Emily chuckles softly, "Fine. Now ask your questions Jen."

"I only have one left. Emily…" I trail off

Emily nods, "Okay. What is your question Jennifer?"

I bite my lip and hesitate before asking my question, "Did you ever try to contact me after Jessie died?"

Emily starts, "I-"

I cut her off, "No wait, don't answer that yet, I need to add something first. I-" I stop talking.

"Yes?" she prompts.

I try again, "Emily, after Catherine was kidnapped I wanted to call you or write to you. I didn't know how to reach you so I just kept telling myself that you had moved on," I shudder in remembrance, "That you didn't need to be dragged into my hell."

Emily interrupts me, "Jennifer-"

I cross my arms, "No let me finish Emily. I've read and reread every single one of your letters to Jessie. I knew who you were when Hotch introduced us. Did you recognize me Emily?"

"That's two questions Jen," Emily says, trying for a smile and failing miserably.

I sigh, "Emily."

Emily looks away, "I didn't know I thought you looked like Jessie but I told myself that you couldn't possibly be Jessie's Jenny because there was no way I was that lucky. That I would get a second chance…"

I frown, "A second chance?"

Emily sighs, "After Jessie killed herself I was so scared. I wanted to go to visit you, really I did. I wanted someone to talk to about Jessie and I thought that you might just need someone to talk to as well. I wanted to help you raise the Faerie Princess even though I didn't know that she actually existed."

I uncross my arms, "Emily-"

She frowns, "No Jennifer, now it's my turn to talk and your turn to listen. I know that this is on me, but if you had reached out, I would have helped you in any way possible. I paid a private investigator to-"

My jaw drops, "You sent a PI to check up on me?"

Emily blushes, "Yes."

I'm stunned, "When? Why?"

Emily smiles, "You would already have that information if you had just let me finish speaking."

"Emily," I growl.

She laughs, "It was when you were in University I wanted to see how you were doing…"

I complete the rest of Emily's thought in my head; she wanted to see if I was anything like Jessie. She wanted to know if I had survived. I frown, "Catherine would have been alive then, why didn't you know about her?"

Emily blushes, "I only asked for information on you…"

I laugh quietly.

Emily tilts her head, "What was that?" she asks me.

"I don't know Emily I didn't hear anything."

She stands up and walks out into the hallway.

Frowning I follow her. I don't hear anything until I reach Emily whose face is blank and is standing just outside her bedroom door. I hear creaking but I can't place the sound. I try to move past Emily so that I can see inside the room.

She puts her arm out barring my way.

"What is it Emily?" I ask.

"Creirwy (Kree-ree)-" she cut herself off.

I frown and try not to raise my voice, "What about Catherine?"

Emily shushes me and after removing her arm tilts her head towards the door, "Look for yourself."

I step forwards and Emily steps back, giving me more space. What I see leaves me speechless, and after the few seconds it takes me to figure everything out I start laughing.

Emily quickly covers my mouth with her hand.

Thankfully, my laughter is not loud enough to disturb Catherine and Henry. My baby sister is pacing Emily's bedroom while holding my baby boy.

Henry eyes light up as he sees me standing in the doorway. "Mommy!" he shouts out happily.

Emily and I step back a bit, out of his line of sight.

Catherine whose back is still facing the door says, "No Henry I've told you three times already, you can't have your mommy right now. She's busy leibling, you're stuck with me right now."

Henry makes a few noises in protest.

Catherine pats Henry's back, "There is no way I'm giving in little man. Jenny and Emily need time alone together to work everything out."

"Mommy!" shouts Henry again.

Catherine sighs, "How about we try another song Henry?"

Henry looks pleadingly towards the door where I disappeared from, "Mommy?"

She sighs again, "What about a poem?"

Henry sighs and rests his head on Catherine's shoulder.

"Alligator pie, alligator pie, / If I don't get some I think I'm going to die. / Give away the green grass, give away the sky, / But don't give away my alligator pie." She takes a deep breath before stating the next verse, "Alligator stew, alligator stew, / If I don't get some-"

I step into Emily's bedroom and finish the line "I don't know what I'll do."

"Jenny!" Catherine shrieks, "How long were you there?" she asks, her face turning red.

I laugh quietly, "Long enough."

"Mommy!" squeals Henry joyously.

I hold out my arms and say "Hello Henry," with a smile on my face.

Catherine, face still red, hands over my baby boy.

"Go put your pj's on Creirwy (Kree-ree) then you can come back," says Emily while steering my baby sister out of her room.

Catherine turns her head to look back at me.

I nod once and she smiles happily.

I lie down on Emily's bed with Henry on my chest mumbling away.

Emily sits down next to me on her bed, "Are we good?" she asks looking a little nervous.

I smile at Emily and squeeze her hand tightly, "We're good."

Emily takes her hand back and moves over to the other side of her bed when we hear footsteps coming down the hall, towards us. She also gives me a pointed look when Catherine returns in what we both recognize as one of Spencer's nightshirts. I'm going to have to ask my baby sister about that sometime soon, now is not the time. We need to finish getting Henry settled, somewhere other than lying on my chest, so that he can go back to sleep and hopefully the rest of us will also be able to get some rest soon.

Catherine kisses Henry's head and whispers, "Good night Henry." Then she climbs into bed and lies down under the covers between Emily and I. She wraps one hand in Emily's shirt and the other in mine before saying "Good night Emmy. Good night Jenny."

"Sleep well Creirwy (Kree-ree)," answers Emily.

I whisper, "Good night Kitty Cat."

Emily looks at me over Catherine's head and smiles softly, "Night Jen."

"Good night Emily," I smile back. Then I move Henry into the small gap of space between Catherine and myself before resting my head on hers and closing my eyes.

* * *

"The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.

But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now

mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater."

- J. R. R. Tolkien

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading please review :) The next chapter should be posted November 8th or 9th.


	20. AN

This is not a chapter, it is an explanation and an apology.

I am sorry. I have not been able to work on this story due to my health. I have spent the past few weeks in and out of doctor's offices because the joints in my legs keep subluxing (partial dislocation).

Hopefully I will be able to post a new chapter this week or next, when I am able to sit up at my computer and not sublux anything.

C47


	21. Catherine Jareau

AN: So I'm still alive and recovering slowly. Thank you to everyone who replied and PM'd me. I'll be updating as soon as possible, hopefully this weekend if I can keep the brain fog at bay. Until then, please accept my peace offering of this half chapter. I'll finish it and post the rest soon.

AN2: If anyone wants to hear what ACJ was up to in England with Ambassador Prentiss please let me know.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge.

that myth is more potent than history.

That dreams are more powerful than facts.

That hope always triumphs over experience.

That laughter is the only cure for grief.

And I believe that love is stronger than death."

- Robert Fulghum

* * *

Friday July 29, 2011

6:00 pm

Jenny knocks and enters my bedroom. Without saying a word she sits down on my bed with me. "Why isn't your suitcase packed Catherine?" She asks me, confusion evident on her face. "We're supposed to leave in a few hours. Henry and I are packed and our bags are waiting in the trunk. You haven't even started packing yet. This isn't like you. What's wrong Kittycat?"

I sigh. I've told my sister several times already that I'm not going with her but she just hasn't been listening. Maybe my answer will sink in this time: "I'm not going to Valencia with you and Henry Jenny."

She frowns and tucks a loose strand of hair behind her left ear, "What do you mean you're not coming with us? Jessie's birthday is on Monday and I took Monday and Tuesday off so we could visit her and see Aunt Charlotte and Tanya is home from university."

I cross my arms, "I'm not going Jenny. Emily is coming home on Monday. I'm going to be waiting for her at her condo."

Jenny winces.

I frown at her, "It will be 147 days that Emily has been gone on Monday."Jenny sighs, "I thought you had given up on that nonsense Catherine. Emily is dead, there is no where for her to come back from."

I glare at my sister, "I don't care what you say Jennifer. Jessie may be dead but Emily is not. Emily is coming back home and I'm not wasting anymore time waiting to see her."

Jenny bites her lip and looks indecisive.

"I'll light the candles for Jessie here and you can tell me the story over the phone or you could tell me tonight or when get back," I whisper, trying to make what I've said seem less harsh.

"Okay," she whispers finally and somewhat brokenly."I'm sorry Jenny," I whisper back, "But I have to do this. I didn't mean to imply that Jessie was less important than Emily. I need her to come back. You understand don't you Jenny?"

My sister holds her arms open and I lean into her. "I would rather you come home with Henry and I Kittycat and not waste your day waiting for something that isn't going to happen but you're an adult now, so it's your prerogative if you to make stupid decisions. I just don't want you to get hurt."I roll my eyes, "I'm not going to get hurt Jenny. Emily is going to come home and then everything will be okay and go back to normal."

Jenny hugs me tightly before releasing me, "I love you Kittycat. Don't forget to say goodbye to Henry before we leave, he's really going to miss you. So will Aunt Charlotte and Tanya."

I snort, "Way to lay on the guilt Jen. I know that Tanya doesn't miss me at all and honestly Jen, Henry misses me when I go to the bathroom. A couple hundred miles isn't going to change much about that."

Jenny laughs quietly as she moves across my room, "Come eat, dinner is ready."

I get up off my bed, "Why didn't you say that in the first place? I haven't eaten since breakfast."

"Catherine!" she exclaims in shock.

I shrug, "What? I was reading and working on my thesis." I scoot past Jenny and take off running.

Jenny rolls her eyes and chases me down the hall, "I'm going to get you!" she shouts.

I race down the stairs and scoop up Henry from his playpen on my way to the dining room, "Come on Henry we need to hide, your mommy wants to eat us for dinner!"

His blue eyes open wide and his jaw drops.

When Jenny catches up to us in the kitchen Henry shouts, "No mommy! No eat!" Holding his little arms out, palms up in front of himself, "We peoples not food!"

Jenny raises an eyebrow and looks at me.

I grin at her.

She nods and plays along, "I'm so hungry! You smell good, I think you're just what I should eat for dinner.

Henry laughs, "No mommy, peoples don't taste good!"

I offer to trade Henry for safe passage for myself to the diningroom. Jen agrees and I and pass a wriggling Henry to Jenny who blows a raspberry on his tummy and pretends to start eating him.

"No!" Shrieks a squirming Henry, "I'm melting!"

Jenny and I burst out laughing.

3 days.

* * *

''On my knees and out of luck, I look up''

- Mumford & Sons


	22. August 1, 2011

AN: Thank you for all the reviews, followings and favourites :)

AN2: The next few updates will depend on when and for how long I am able to sit up without being in excruciating pain.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

- Anonymous

* * *

Sunday July 31, 2011

11:58 pm

There are three white candles are set up on my small wooden table and ready to be lit, one for Jessie, Jenny and the last for myself. I don't need to light a candle for Emily nor for whomever she used to light a candle for, because Emmy will be home in a few short hours. I can't wait to see her again. My emotions are so conflicting; I want to hug Emily, but I also want to yell at her for leaving, for not letting our family help her, and make her promise never to do so again.

I count down the seconds till midnight on my watch, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. I light the candles with my lighter and wait patiently for my phone to ring. I know that Jennifer is going to call me in a few minutes. I already said goodnight to Henry but Jenny has been annoyingly persistent in demonstrating her desire to have me with her in Valencia today. I can't do it. Emily is coming home today and I refuse to wait any longer than I already have. Emmy needs to come back so that our family will be whole again.

My phone starts buzzing and I pick it up to check my caller ID. Look at that, I was right it is Jenny.

"'lo Jen," I mumble.

"Hello Kitty Cat," she answers.

I can hear Henry making noise in the background. He's calling my name and probably grabbing at the phone in Jenny's hand as well.

"No Henry," Jen says sternly, "You have to wait your turn. You can say hello to Catherine in a minute." Now Henry is shrieking and Jenny is sniffling.

I sigh, "Jenny just put him on the phone. I'll say goodnight again and then you can give him to Will."

"Will isn't..." She trails off, "He isn't here Catherine."

The shrieking has stopped and the silence is deafening. I am so very confused, "What are you talking about Jenny? Will took the same days off as you. Where is he if he isn't with you?"

There is a small sigh before my sister answers, "Will went back to New Orleans for the weekend."

I feel horrible, "Damn it. I'm sorry Jenny. I should have been paying more attention." I don't have to like or trust the guy to know that he's good to and for my sister, at least he was. "Who is with you if Will isn't?"

"Well you're not here, so no one," she says simply, needling me.

My exhaustion has worn my patience thin, "What! Why didn't you tell me Jenny? I would have come with you. You shouldn't have gone alone."

"Catherine!" She says, sounding exasperated, "I am an adult. I am not helpless. I managed to take care of you at twelve, I can take care of Henry by myself at thirty-two. Henry and I have been spending some quality one on one time together when we're not visiting with aunt Charlotte or Tanya. Besides, you didn't want to come with me."

I exhale, "Jennifer you know why I couldn't come this year."

Jenny sighs, "You need to accept that she's not coming back Kitty Cat."

I frown and play dumb, "Who isn't coming back?"

I can tell that she's rolling her eyes, "You know whom I mean Catherine."

Now I'm pushing her on purpose, "Say her name Jenny."

"No," I'm sure she's frowning,

I want to stomp my foot but it would be lost on her, "Say it!" I demand.

"No!" she answers back roughly.

"Why?" I answer back in the same tone. "You know why," she growls. "It has been one hundred and forty six days Jenny. Today is the one hundred and forty seventh day, don't you think you should be able to say Emily's name by now? If you're really as capable of moving on as you have endlessly proclaimed." I wince, that was rude and uncalled for.

"Catherine," she sighs.

I'm still angry and I can't find it in me to apologize just yet, "Please put Henry on the phone Jennifer."

"He's fallen asleep Catherine. You can talk to him later today when we're with Jessie at the cemetery," She hangs up and I'm left staring at the phone feeling rotten.

I send a quick I'm sorry by text and blow out the candles. Sniffling I climb under the clean covers on Emmy's bed. I hope my conversation with Jenny isn't a bad omen for today. I'll apologize properly the next time we talk because everything needs to be perfectly in place when Emmy comes home. I'm counting hours now not days.

I fall asleep staring at Emily's drawings still partially hidden by the sheer curtains. Spencer's question is still nagging at me all these months later. Who is that little girl in Emily's drawing, the one sitting on my lap?

* * *

Monday August 1, 2011

8:30 am

I wake up for the third time in a panic thinking I have overslept. It is a relief to look at the clock and see that I still have time to get up and ready for the day. I'm surprised that I managed to sleep at all. I had two nightmares last night: One where I didn't get a chance to apologize to Jenny because she died and the other was that Emily didn't come home, that I was wrong and that she really was dead. I know my dreams aren't true though, Jenny isn't dead and I'm going to apologize to her after breakfast. Emily is alive, she has to be, and she is coming home today. Her note promised.

I shower quickly, eat a bowl of cereal and wash the dishes before rushing back to Emmy's room to grab my cell. I dial Jenny's number and wait impatiently for her to answer.

"I'm sorry Jenny," I blurt out the instant I hear Jenny's hello.

"It's okay Kitty Cat," she says.

I bite my lip, "No it isn't. I'm sorry."

"Well I'm sorry too," she answers.

"Why are you sorry?" I ask confused.

"I pushed and you pushed and we shouldn't be arguing today of all days."  
I frown, "You know that if it were anyone else I-"

She cuts me off, "I know Kitty Cat. I love you and I'm not angry anymore."

"I love you too Jenny." I pause for a second to get the tears threatening to spill under control, "Is Henry awake Jenny?"

"Yes he is would you like to speak with him?" I can hear the smile in her voice.

"Please," I whisper.

"Okay," she sighs, "Bye for now Kitty Cat. Here's Henry."

"Kitty!" Henry shouts.

I smile at the sound of his voice,"Hi Henry! Are you having fun with your mommy and Aunt Charlotte and Tanya?"

I listen to Henry babble for a while before he gets distracted. He shouts something about birds and drops the phone; I can hear his footsteps as my nephew takes off running. Jenny picks up her cell to remind me that she will be calling after lunch to tell Henry and I a story about Jessie.

* * *

12:30 pm

The story was happy again this year. Jenny always tries to pick a good memory for Jessie's birthday. This time she told Henry and I about searching for faerie rings in the forest, and having to be extra careful not to step into them when they did find circles of mushrooms.

After Henry fell asleep, Jen told me how horrible Jessie was when daddy first started teaching her to fire her BB gun in the forest behind our house. How she missed every target she shot at and then got better so quickly that daddy didn't believe she wasn't sneaking out to practice without supervision. Which she was, but neither mama nor daddy could prove it.

When Jenny was big enough to hold the BB gun, Jessie gave her a few tips and let her use the BB gun for a month before daddy was going to teach her. Jessie thought it would be funny to see daddy's face when Jenny turned out to be an amazing shot on her first afternoon. Daddy didn't find it funny and Jessie was grounded for a week. Jessie didn't care and even managed to argue her way down to only two day because mama and daddy had never actually said she couldn't teach Jenny.

We both say goodbye and Jenny reminded me that she would be driving home tomorrow and should be back by dinner. Jenny's parting comment makes me sigh in exasperation, she reminds me not to get my hopes up because Emily isn't coming back. I know Emily is coming back. She has to, she promised.

* * *

9:59 pm

I need something to distract me after Jenny's stories, I try to do some research in the books I brought home but I can't focus properly so I spend the entire afternoon and early evening cleaning Emily's condo over and over again until my arms are too tired to scrub anything else.

Despite what the rest of my family has said or done, I have held onto my knowledge, my hope, that in one hundred and forty seven days Emily will come back to me, to all of us. It is way past dinnertime and I haven't eaten anything. Distractedly I put the food, which was still out on the stove, into the fridge so it doesn't go bad. _Where are you Emmy? Why haven't you come home already? Don't you know I'm waiting? Please come home Emily._

* * *

August 2, 2011

12:01 am

I stare at my clock in bewilderment, which is quickly turning into panic. Where is Emily? She was supposed to be home by now. I grab the note and my calendar. I reread it:

**Darling Creirwy (kree-ree),**

**I'm glad you remembered where to look Dawnie.**

**Buffy: Dawn, listen to me, listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles… tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. Be brave. Live… for me.**

**Spike: I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I'd save you.**

**Wait for me Creirwy (kree-ree). I always keep my promises.**

**All my love,**

**Emmy**

Next I quickly count the days on the calendar. No, I haven't made a mistake with my math; August 1st is the right date. It has been exactly one hundred and forty seven days since Emily disappeared, but where is she?

I feel like my world is falling to pieces around me. No one is with me so I don't bother trying to stop or hide the tears streaming down my face. _Where are you Emmy? Why haven't you come back yet? You promised and I believed you, I waited. Where are you?_

Then it hits me; _Oh God, what if I was I wrong to believe the note? What if it doesn't mean that Emily is alive? What if she really is dead and I've been holding onto false hope for the past six months?_

I pick up my phone to call Jenny but I can't see the numbers through my tears. I give up when I can't stop my tears and put it down gently before I drop it. I pull the pillows and blankets off my bed and make a nest under my desk. I know I'm shaking and I can feel my horror swelling at the newest idea entering my head. It is threatening to swallow me whole. I crawl into the nest and pull a blanket over my head. It hurts too much to think. I close my eyes and finally give in to the overwhelming terror and welcome the darkness.

* * *

"In a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels

is more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks."

- Warren Buffett

* * *

AN3: Thank you for reading, please review. I'm not particularly happy with this chapter since it has given me so much more trouble than any other section.


	23. The Past is Present

AN: Thank you for the reviews and PMs. I've been in the hospital for a really bad reaction to my pain killers and surgery to fix my shoulder was cancelled. Haven't been able to find a different surgeon since it isn't a typical surgery. So my brain is foggy, my proofreader is sick and I'm quite sure my verb tenses are all over the place. Apologies in advance.

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

So come out of your cave walking on your hands  
And see the world hanging upside down  
- The Cave, Mumford & Sons

* * *

April 2011

I wonder if Catherine ever found the note I hid for her. I half wish she doesn't think to look for it, everything will be so much easier if she believes that I am dead. I don't even want to think about what would happen if Catherine believes me to be alive but I can never return because the team can't find Ian. I need to stop thinking of him as Lauren's Ian and start thinking of him as the man who has threatened to permanently leave both my daughters, real and surrogate, without a mother.

I married Ian Doyle as Lauren Reynolds. Could I hunt that same man down as Emily Prentiss? Do I have it in me to kill him? I honestly don't know. I can't leave Maura alone, but what kind of a life will she have if we are constantly on the run?

I know that Ian is not the same man anymore: He became a family annihilator the instant he murdered that little boy, but why does part of me still love him?

I know that he would have loved Maura, but she is part of the reason I ran in the first place. Instead of standing my ground or running away with Declan the way Ian and I had planned, I let myself be arrested and Lauren Reynolds died in a car accident before Ian Doyle knew he was going to be a father twice over. I never told Ian that I was pregnant. No, I never told him that Lauren Reynolds was pregnant or was it that Lauren never told her Ian?

Maura is the only good thing I have left with me. I adored Declan and I would have raised him if I could, but no matter how much I wanted him, he was and always will be Louise's son, not mine.

Ian was arrested in early May 2004 and Maura was born in December. I was so scared when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell anyone from JTF-12, the amount of people after me and my baby would have been astronomical. I couldn't tell Ian. It would have ruined everything. The only person I wanted to tell had been dead for fifteen years. God Jessie, why did you have to kill yourself? I know the answer to my question. I even understand. I just can't let it go. I told Jennifer but I never told Catherine why Jessie wanted to die. It would have been beyond cruel to tell Catherine that the person she grew up idolizing, that Jennifer made into an untouchable angel was fallible, that she was human and oh so very damaged.

When I got out, I told Abby before I told anyone else. Well, I didn't tell her so much as she figured it out.

I'd been staying with Abby in Bristol for just over a week and my morning sickness was beyond horrible, I couldn't keep anything down. At first I managed to pretend I had the flu and she went along with it but after a week of not getting better she cornered me in the bathroom after I had just finished emptying my stomach and demanded to know what was going on.

* * *

Sunday May 23, 2004

Abby leans against the doorframe, "What the hell is going on Emily?"

Unable to look her in the eye, I focus my eyes on a point just over her shoulder, "Nothing is going on Abby I just have the flu."

"Bullshit. You haven't gotten better at all this week, in fact, you're getting worse." She frowns and her narrowed eyes flicker between my fragile form leaning against the wall and the toilet bowl, "You're pregnant aren't you."  
"No I'm not!" I protest loudly.

Abby crosses her arms, "Cut the crap Emily, your eyes gave you away. You are pregnant. They kid is Doyle's isn't it?"  
I open my mouth to protest once more but have to quickly turn back to the toilet to finish emptying what I had previously thought was an empty stomach.

Abby sits down next to me on the bathroom floor and rubs my back, "What are you going to do Emily? Are you going to keep the kid? Give it away? Get rid of it?"

I flinch.

"Okay, so that was a no to the third option," She takes her hand off my back, "Have you told Clyde?" She asks quietly.

I shake my head.

Abby frowns, "I think you should tell him Emily. It's important for Clyde to know about the baby, he can help."

"You're biased Maggie. I'm not going to tell Clyde and neither are you," I growl.

"Wow Emily, the hormones are kicking in already," she teased laughingly. "You really need sleep if you're calling me Maggie. Come on, let's go, get up."

My legs wobble when I try to stand.

"Want me to help you up?" Abby asked gently.

I nod and with her assistance we make it back to my bedroom.

I lie down and Abby tucks me in.

Abby catches me eyes and I am incapable of looking away from my best friend, "You need to decide what to do Emily, you can't run from this. There is a baby growing inside you."

I sigh, "I know Abby, it's just rather sudden. I found out and then the police showed up and the operation was over."

"Does Doyle know?" I can tell Abby is frowning by her tone of voice.

I look away.

"Emily?" she says softly.

"No Abby, he doesn't know," I whisper

She smiles, "Good."

I wince internally. I still haven't figured out if I would have told Ian yet. No not Ian, he's Doyle now. He's not my husband anymore and I'm not Declan's mother. I bring my thoughts to an abrupt halt before I start crying again.

"Go to sleep Emily," She whispers, "You'll feel better when you wake up."

I close my eyes, "Goodnight Abby."

"Please keep the baby Emily. I know you'll be a great mum and the baby will be yours not his," Abby whispers as I am falling asleep.

* * *

September 21, 2004

I can tell that Abby is exasperated the instant I wake up from yet another nap, they are becoming a depressingly common occurrence. I know I shouldn't poke the bear, but I do anyway. It's better to get Abby's lecture over with quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid, rather than let her stew.

I brace myself, "What's up Abbs?"

"What's up? What's up?!" Abby throws her arms up in the air, "Damn it Emily, I'm so frustrated with you! You need to think about where you want your baby to be born. Soon you won't be able to travel and then you'll be stuck wherever you are at that particular moment in time. Fuck Emily! Think about this! You have a baby inside of you, a real life human being. Do you want her to be born here in England or in the United States? France? Canada? Think! Please! I'm begging you. You need to stop thinking about Declan and think about your baby. She's yours Emily. Not his. Yours. Do you want your mother to come looking for you again?" She demands.

There is no use talking to her when she gets like this so I shake my head no.

She nods decisively, "No. That's what I thought, So-" Abby pauses mid rant and chances directions, "Are you going to let your parents see her when she's born?"

"No!" I shout.

"Emily!" she says taken aback.

"No fucking way Abigail. You know what they did to me and I swear to God if you try and go over my head with this by talking to either my mother or my father I will leave and never talk to you again."

She crosses her arms and pouts; "Clyde would find you and bring you back for me if I couldn't find you myself,"

"Abby!" I sigh in exasperation.

She continues as if I hadn't interrupted her, "Damn it Emily you need to stop pushing yourself. I swear that I will protect her Emily and you for that matter, I promise. You know that Clyde will help as well."

I frown. I don't really want to tell Clyde but it has been very difficult to convince him to stay away and let me work with Abby from home.

"Have you picked a name yet Emily?" She asks, switching tactics.

Abby has been trying to get me to tell her which names I like ever since I told her I was keeping it, before we knew it was a her.

I grin unrepentantly, "Maybe yes, maybe no."

She groans in frustration, "Oh come on Emily, you can tell me. I promise I won't tell anyone else."

I stop smiling, "Abby there isn't anyone else to tell."

She frowns, "Good point. Oh but we could tell Clyde about your baby and then you could tell me her name and I'll keep it from him."

I sigh.

* * *

June 23rd, 2011

Abigail just looked at me knowingly when I got back to the apartment on just off des pins, but my darling Maura wanted to know where I had gone. I didn't want to tell her that I was out doing surveillance, I mean following a lead, so I thought I should distract her with the offer of a story. Maura ran off immediately to get one of her books.

Abby sighs, "Emily you really have to stop this."

I frown at her, "I can't Abby. I need to make sure she's safe."

She frowns right back to me, "And what about Maura? She misses you and needs you to be around Emily."

I sigh, "I know she needs me."

"Just be around more Emily." Abby runs her fingers through her hair, "She won't be young forever."

"I know," I whisper before biting my lip, "Maggie, what do you think about going home?"

"Don't call me that!" Abby snaps. Then she sighs, "Which home Emily?"

I flinch, "Sorry Abby," I whisper, "Home to London."

She frowns, "Is that where Clyde is right now?"

I look away, "I don't know."

"Emily, we've been friends for twenty-three years, you're trusting me to raise Maura. Talk to me," she demands.

I stare at my nails, they've been bitten to the quick, "The Ambassador is going to be in London in July."

Abby crosses her arms, "You mean Catherine will be in London in July don't you Emily."

"Yes," I whisper contritely.

She stands up, crosses the room in a few quick steps and stops right in front of me, "Emily you have one daughter here with you. Catherine, your daughter, your sister, your friend, whatever you want to call her is safe with your mother. Doyle can't get to her, The Ambassador won't let anything happen to her."

I frown, "Abby, you know my mother."

She takes a step back and sighs, "Yes I do Emily, and I also know you. Which means that even if I didn't want too, we're going back home to London."

"Thank you Abby," I whisper, relief floods my body.

She turns away, "Will you at least let me contact Clyde?"  
I frown, "I don't think that's a good idea."

Abby turns back, "Emily, my brother isn't stupid. Maura and I have been living more often than not in London since we left Washington in 2007. You know that he knows. You're the one who set up the protection detail for Maura and myself with Clyde."

I groan, "I know that Abby, but do you remember why you had to leave in the first place?"

She rolls her eyes, "Yes I remember why we had to leave Washington Emily but Clyde already knows something is up. Maura and I are not at the house in London. Doyle doesn't know about Maura so there would be no reason for us to leave besides you."

I cross my arms and mirror Abby's stance, "I don't like it."

"Tough shit." She gives me a little shove, "Now go find Maura, she missed you today."

"Abby-" I start.

She cuts me off, "I know you're sorry Emily. I also know that you would do the exact same thing again if given a second chance. Go read to your baby, I'll start packing."

"Thank you," I say filled with gratitude.

Her lips twitch, "Go read to your daughter Emily, I haven't forgiven you yet."

* * *

"We are what we pretend to be,

so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."

- Kurt Vonnegut

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading please review :)


	24. Ashley Seaver Part 1

AN: I know I'm biased, but I happen to think that my physiotherapist(s) are awesome. Last Wednesday I killed (severely subluxed) my wrist while trying to cut my dinner. It still wasn't cooperating on Thursday so physiotherapist #1 gave me a tape cast for the day and again on Tuesday because I re-injured it and it's mostly working again! I am so very happy to have the use of one of my arms back :) It makes updating (and everyday life) so much easier.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

I feel happy, I feel sad

I feel like running through the walls

I'm overjoyed, I'm undecided

I don't know who I am

- Hello Cold World, Paramore

* * *

**Ashley Seaver Part 1**

* * *

December 2010 through August 2011

It is both amazing and unsettling to realize just how much of a family unit the BAU team I am part of was. That's right, was not is. Ever since Emily died, they have started drifting apart. Oh not in any really noticeable ways at first, they still have family dinners and spend time with each other, but it feels forced like they are trying to put themselves back together and have no idea how to do that without Emily. Her death, at Ian Doyle's hands, destroyed her family.

As she's dead, no one can blame Emily nor demand anything from her. We can't even be understandably furious with Emily for keeping secrets because she was protecting a child. And in defense of a child, the entire team (myself included) would be willing to do monumentally stupid things. Sort of like the way they're currently treating Catherine. I know Catherine is their little sister and they want to protect her, but I can hardly believe just how efficiently they shut her down and out. If anyone deserves answers it would be Catherine. I know just how important Emily was to her and in turn, Catherine to Emily.

I was replacing a beloved teammate who was unjustly suspended and promptly handed over to the State Department. I believe it was something along the lines of, _work for them or we will make sure you are black listed, no one will ever hire you again. _That that person was Jennifer Jareau, media liaison extraordinaire and like a sister or daughter to the rest of the team only made the transition more difficult. I thought it would hurt more than it did, when it finally hit me that I am not truly part of their family. Don't get me wrong; it does hurt, a lot really. Though, I was already aware of this fact on some level and not just because Catherine told me so.

They weren't outright cruel; in fact, they were much nicer than I had any right to expect. I'm always a little worried about telling people who my father is and what he did. It's not a normal topic of conversation, but honestly the team deserved to know if they were going to work with me. In fact, I was a little surprised that Dave and Agent Hotchner didn't tell them before I returned from grabbing my bag on that first case.

Not that I didn't notice them happening around me, but both before and after Emily died there were certain things I wasn't included in. Family dinners were not one, but there were secret meetings and the way they drifted apart and yet were still there whenever anyone needed anything. I understood why but it still hurt. Emily was my supervisor, my mentor but the team is such a cohesive family unit there really was nowhere for me to fit in. This is part of the reason why I applied to Andi Swann's unit in the Domestic Trafficking Task Force when a position opened up.

Hotch and Dave are the parents, and Morgan, Spencer and Emily are their children. Somehow Catherine fits in both as a younger sibling to Morgan, a daughter to Hotch and Dave and both a daughter and little sister to Emily. I haven't forgot Spencer, but I'm undecided as to where Catherine fits in with him. Spencer had been ignoring her for months and yet they clung to each other at the funeral and for weeks afterwards.

Catherine Jareau is an uncomfortable topic of conversation for me. I would have liked for us to be friends, and maybe if we had met at a different point in our lives we would have been. After all, we do share a lot of common interests. As it stands though, we didn't and our uneasy truce has already ended without a chance for me to try and make things better, or at least easier for her. I wish that I had met Catherine before the team went to Montréal, or even that the team had never taken her along. I know that wishing it could never make it true, but after seeing just how broken it left her, how can I not?

After I graduated from the Academy, I looked up the case. I couldn't believe my eyes. I knew that Catherine had been injured and that if someone hadn't have pulled major strings, she wouldn't have been allowed on the case in the first place, never mind out into the field. She was captured and tortured for goodness sake! And from what I understood, it wasn't the first time this particular unsub had gotten to Catherine. How can anyone recover from get over that? I suppose the answer is that they can't or is that don't? They have to just pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and try to put them back together.

My need to help Catherine and my desire not to destroy my budding friendship with Emily were two reasons I was happy to have the so-called truce with Catherine. I didn't go near her without Emily and followed all of the rules and in return she actually talked to me. Sure she was sitting in Emily's lap half the time and on the occasions that she wasn't, Emily was never more than three feet away. I saw that for what it was: a security measure, a way to keep Catherine calm, while Emily got what she wanted, which was simply for the two of us to get along. Not that I didn't scare her sometimes by mistake but it was never as bad as the first two times. Those were horrible, and left me crying. I wasn't scared or in pain, I just felt so bad for scaring her unintentionally. I was also a little worried that it would destroy my budding friendship with Emily.

I didn't actually meet the famous Jennifer Jareau until after Emily had disappeared and I could immediately see where Catherine gets her strength. I overheard a conversation between Jennifer and Catherine when we were waiting on the jet to take us to Boston, Jennifer was promising her little sister that she was going to find Emily and bring her home. That we were unable to keep that promise made it all the more heartbreaking to watch Catherine and Jennifer's reunion after the plane ride back from Boston.

Watching and listening to Catherine mourning Emily was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. Emily's Creirwy (kree-ree), cried on and off for days and her eyes were always glassy, as if she had a fever. Sometimes I don't think Catherine realized that she was crying, tears would simply stream down her cheeks and she made no move to wipe them away. Most of the time I don't think she even knew that I was around, even on a subconscious level: Her hyper-vigilance was shot. I want to give Catherine the answers she obviously desires and deserves but I am bound by confidentiality. Someone with more authority than Section Chief Strauss wants to keep the events surrounding Emily's death and the subsequent escape of known terrorist Ian Doyle quiet. As if it never happened and though we all witnessed the resulting train wreck, somehow, at the time it didn't seem real.

The funeral today was terribly sad and just a tad uncomfortable. I know. No, I had known Emily for a matter of months while the rest of the team had known her for years. I felt out of place, my relationship with Emily was new. I think Catherine was closer to Emily than anyone else, except possibly Jennifer, knew. It was agonizing to watch her small form shaking from crying so hard as she sat on top of Emily's grave. Dave pulled me away, but I stayed just close enough to keep an eye on her. Who is going to take care of her now that Emily is gone? I suppose it's a silly question because I know the answer, the team, her family will take care of her.

I can't even be upset with Catherine for ignoring me because I understand why: If she ignores me than Emily's death doesn't hurt quite so much. I think it would be easier for me if I could take my eyes off her. Seeing Catherine reminds me of what everyone has lost. That is why watching Catherine pin Spencer to the couch was the high point of my day. She wasn't making an overt effort; she was just sitting there smirking. Poor Spencer, he looked so confused. Like he wasn't sure why Catherine was still sitting on him when Dave had promised food. Earlier, before Catherine woke up, Spencer and I were talking and he kept glancing down at her as if he couldn't quite figure out why Catherine was lying on him, even though he was the one who held her while she cried and rearranged her while she slept.

I saw Catherine and the rest of the team at Catherine's twenty-first birthday party. Now that was an awkward experience. I was delighted when I believed Catherine had extended the invitation. I thought she had warmed up to me in the time we had been apart. I was sure we could talk again and rework our truce because I was no longer part of the BAU. Instead Catherine freaked out. She went ghostly pale and took off.

I tried to leave but to my surprise Derek Morgan stopped me. He said Catherine needed me to be there because she still wasn't dealing with Emily's death. That felt like a punch to my stomach but I understood; they want what is best for their family. I think I would have felt better if I had been able to talk to Catherine after she ran away but Spencer was the one to bring her back and she clung to him like a limpet for the rest of the night. I would not be surprised if Spencer stayed in Catherine's room that night.

Spencer called me out of the blue, on the 18th of August. It was a Thursday. At first I wondered if he was checking up on me to know that I had arrived home safely, because I was just finishing up some paperwork after a long case, that wasn't the reason. I don't have to be a genius to figure out that Spencer belongs to and with Catherine, even if Spencer doesn't know it. And for that matter, I'm not sure how he couldn't; it's obvious to everyone else. No one else called me, and they could have, maybe Dave should have. It's been almost three weeks to the day when Catherine broke down. I mean really broke down. Spencer said they didn't know what else to do, nothing the team had tried was working.

* * *

Saturday August 20th 2011,

So here I am, I have returned to Emily's condo for the first time in five months, still committed to my desire of helping Catherine. I wonder if I should feel insulted that my ex-teammates want to use me as some kind of shock therapy. Spencer looks so worried when he answers the door that I instantly feel a little less used. Jack, Hotch's son is standing next to Spencer, with a soccer ball in his arms.

From what I understand, Henry, isn't allowed out of Catherine's sight. Even Jack is practically living with her in Emily's condo. According to Spencer, the two boys think it's a lot of fun, like having a really long sleepover. So here I am, I have returned to Emily's condo for the first time in five months, still committed to my desire of helping Catherine. I wonder if I should feel insulted that my ex-teammates want to use me as some kind of shock therapy. Spencer looks so worried when he answers the door that I instantly feel a little less used.

"Hi Spencer," I breathe out.

He smiles sadly, "Hello Ashley."

"So how have you been?" I ask somewhat awkwardly as Spencer has yet to invite me in.

He looks down before answering, "Fine. You?"

"Good," I mumble.

Jack appears next to Spencer at the door with a soccer ball in his arms. "She's here, can we go to the park now Spencer?" he asks quietly.

Spencer squats down so that he is face to face with Jack, "I think that is a very good idea Jack. Why don't you go find Henry and help him put on his shoes?"

"Okay!" Jack says happily before taking off, soccer ball still clutched tightly to his chest.

"You're leaving?" I ask in surprise.

"I- We thought it might be better for you and Catherine to have some privacy…" He trails off.

I'm at a loss for how to respond to that declaration so I don't say anything.

Spencer finally invites me into Emily's condo. I really need to stop calling it that; it's Catherine's condo now. The silence stretches out becoming uncomfortable long before Jack returns with Henry, who is holding his tiny shoes, in tow.

Jack puts on his shoes properly while Spencer does the same. Henry on the other hand puts his shoes on the wrong feet before taking off down the hall shouting, "Park Kit Cat Park!"

Spencer quickly scoops him up and says gently but firmly, "Catherine is staying here Henry."

Henry looks at Spencer incredulously, "No park?"

Spencer smiles at him, "No, no park for Catherine today buddy. It's just going to be us boys," he says gesturing to Jack, Henry and himself.

Henry frowns, "Me stay?"

Spencer is too distracted trying to hold onto the squirming munchkin and putting his shoes on the right feet so Jack pipes up, "Don't you want to play soccer with me Henry?"

Henry's blue eyes grow wide, "Yes soccer!"

"Okay, let's go then," says Spencer while putting Henry back down on his own two feet. "Jack, Henry say good bye to Ashley," Spencer instructs quietly

"Bye Ashley!" they chorus waving happily.

"Have fun at the park boys," I say with a smile as I close and lock the door behind them.

I turn around and think to myself, _Where on earth is Catherine?_

**END OF PART 1**

* * *

You know what the sun's all about

when the lights go out

- The Black Keys

* * *

AN2: I am having surgery on the 13th so I will try to get as much done in advance since my arm/shoulder will have to be completely imobolized for 4+ weeks. I'm hoping to post part 2 on Monday before my surgery.


	25. Ashley Seaver Part 2

AN: Surgery in a few hours. I'm not nervous or excited, though my physiotherapists are and so is my surgeon for that matter. I just want it over and done with, because I would like the use of my arm back after almost 8 months of it not cooperating.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize. The quote Catherine says in the middle of this chapter is by Banksy. I do not own it. Nor do I own Alfred Lord Tennyson's The Lady of Shalott.

* * *

**Ashley Seaver Part 2**

* * *

Only reapers, reaping early

In among the bearded barley,

Hear a song that echoes cheerly

From the river winding clearly,

Down to tower'd Camelot:

And by the moon the reaper weary,

Piling sheaves in uplands airy,

Listening, whispers "'Tis the fairy

Lady of Shalott."

- Alfred Lord Tennyson, The Lady of Shalott

* * *

I turn around and think to myself: _Where on earth is Catherine?_ I kick off my shoes and leave them on the mat next to the door. _Why hasn't Catherine come out of what I assume is hiding to tell me to go away? Oh No. What if she's taken of somewhere while Spencer, Jack and Henry distracted me? Is she really that devious? Is her grief just an act? No it can't be, it's gone on for a few weeks now, and there is no way anyone could be that good at faking a breakdown._

I turn around and survey, not profile, what little I can see of the condo from the front entrance. I am mildly surprised to find that there are toys everywhere: Cars, trucks, little army men, even tiny post and pans from a child's play kitchen. I walk cautiously down the hall while being extra careful not to step on any of the loose Legos scattered across the hardwood. I look into the living room, no Catherine, the kitchen, no Catherine, the dining room, no Catherine. A quick look tells me that Catherine is not in the spare bedroom either. I do notice that there are pajama legs sticking out from under one of the pillows, Henry and Jack must be sleeping in here.

I am now down to two doors. I take a deep breath before opening the door to Emily's bedroom and sigh in relief when I do not find Catherine hiding in there. I frown while contemplating the slightly dusty room. It's been a while since anybody has cleaned in here. _Does that mean Catherine hasn't been in Emily's room at all? Nor allowed anyone else to be either?_ I know that she spent lots of time in here with Emily when she was alive. _Oh well, it is just one of the many mysteries surrounding Catherine Jareau._ After closing the bedroom door silently I frown and consider whether or not Catherine has even been informed that I was coming over today.

One door left. Here goes nothing. I open Catherine's bedroom door without knocking and discover Catherine curled up in a ball on her bed, clutching at a well-worn book while sobbing noiselessly. It is therefore completely understandable why the oxygen in my lungs turns to lead. There is always something terribly wrong, and horribly sad when a child knows how to cry without making a single sound. And a child is all Catherine can possibly be right now, a child who has lost her mother. I don't know why it's hitting her again. Something is different this time, she was a mess the first time, but now she looks beyond devastated. If I didn't know the team as well as I do I would have questioned their decision of leaving an obviously devastated child, with their children.

It's like an accident, or a train wreck, I can't look away.

"Go away Ashley," Catherine whispers, "Please," after she catches me staring.

_Ah, so I have been noticed. _I sit down a few feet away from where she is curled up. "You know I can't do that Catherine," I say gently.

"Go away," She says again. She uncurls slightly, "I'm fine."

I roll my eyes, "Come on. You don't seriously expect me to believe that? I may not have been a profiler for very long but I don't need any of my profiling skills to know that you're a mess, so is your condo for that matter. My God Catherine, when was the last time you left this place?"

Her silence is deafening.

I continue along the same vein, "I'm going to say just about three weeks. Am I right?"

"No," she growls.

I raise an eyebrow, "Do enlighten me then."

She sits up and glares defiantly at me, "I went out a few days ago. They didn't have to make you come. I'm fine."

I snort derisively, "Are you really?"

She huffs and says, "Yes."

I inch closer to her, "No one made me come and you're not very good at lying."

Catherine doesn't make a sound.

"So…" I say while wracking my brain for a neutral conversation topic, "I heard you went to London. Did you have a nice time? Did you get to do anything fun while you were there? Did you see the changing of the guard at Bucking-"

"Stop Ashley. Just stop!" she shouts.

"Catherine," I say softly.

She looks away and whispers brokenly, "Please?"

"Look at me," I command.

She looks up and scowls at me, "What is this shock therapy?"

I try not to smile, "Pretty much."

Catherine sighs and wraps her arms around herself.

I frown, "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

She mumbles, "Not really."

My lips twitch, "Why don't you tell me anyway?"

Catherine frowns, "Why do you care?"

I place my hand next to Catherine on her bed, "I care because you're a good person and you were important to Emily."

She flinches at Emily's name and looks away.

"Tell me, please?" I half ask half demand.

Catherine's head whips around, her eyes widen, "Or else what?" she whispers.

It feels like a bullet pierced my heart the second I realize that she is absolutely terrified of me.

I frown, "There wasn't an or else added on there."

She frowns, "There always is. What are you going to do if I don't talk to you?"

I try to think of something benign, "Well I might tickle you…"

Catherine looks up, her facial expression proclaiming shock.

I laugh quietly for a few seconds before I realize that Catherine isn't laughing with me, nor is she smiling. I frown, "What?"

Catherine's lip trembles and her eyes are wide with a hint of panic, "You promised that you wouldn't touch me."

_Fuck. Not that again._ I want to hit my head against the wall for forgetting. I settle for running my hand through my loose hair. "I'm sorry Catherine," I start, "I-".

Catherine smirks, "Gotcha!" she proclaims smugly.

I chuckle quietly, "Yes you most certainly did get me."

"Seriously though," she says, "I don't want you tickling me. Only Derek, Jenny and Henry ever try."

"What about Spencer?" I ask just to see what kind of a reaction I will get.

Catherine blushes.

_Hmm, so I was right: They are still dancing around each other. It always was and still is strange to me how two people can dance around each other so much and for so long and not even notice that they're doing it. Although maybe they have, since I can see through the partially open closet door that several articles of clothing resembling Spencer's usual style appear to be hung up inside._

"Are you going to tell me what is bothering you Catherine?" I ask gently, "Your family is very concerned. I was under the impression that you had mourned Emily's death beginning back in March."

Catherine shifts uncomfortably.

I press on, "But it seems like this is more than just a resurgence of grief. Am I correct in my assessment?"

She shrugs in answer to my question.

I sigh, "Come now, I know you can do better then that."

Catherine crosses her legs and straightens her spine, ignoring me.

"What were you reading before? I ask Catherine in an attempt to open another line of conversation.

She disregards both my question and myself.

I try again, "What book were you reading when I came into your room?"

"You mean when you entered without knocking or asking for permission?" Catherine says tersely.

I roll my eyes.

She releases the book from her tightly clenched hands and slides it across the bed to me.

I open it to the bookmarked page and look down at the title and wince. Catherine was reading Alfred Lord Tennyson's The Lady of Shalott. "Do you know this one by heart yet?" I ask thoughtlessly.

Catherine raises an eyebrow and opens her mouth. Her voice has a haunted quality to it as she starts to recite:

And down the river's dim expanse-

Like some bold seër in a trance,

Seeing all his own mischance-

With a glassy countenance

Did she look to Camelot.

And at the closing of the day

She loosed the chain, and down she lay;

The broad stream bore her far away,

The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white

That loosely flew to left and right-

The leaves upon her falling light-

Thro' the noises of the night

She floated down to Camelot:

And as the boat-head wound along

The willowy hills and fields among,

They heard her singing her last song,

The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,

Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,

Till her blood was frozen slowly,

And her eyes were darken'd wholly,

Turn'd to tower'd Camelot;

For ere she reach'd upon the tide

The first house by the water-side,

Singing in her song she died,

The Lady of Shalott.

It is my turn to fidget uneasily when Catherine is finished narrating. That poem always makes me uncomfortable.

"Do you think Emily knew she was going to die? When she left here I mean," Catherine whispers when she's finished her recitation.

Shocked I stutter, "I- I- I don't know Catherine."

Catherine turns her head to look at me.

No, my mistake, her eyes have continued past my face and are fixed on the window behind me.

She blinks rapidly, "I read somewhere that a person dies twice, 'One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.'"

I bite my lip, "That's really deep Catherine. Is that quote why you keep saying Emily's name?"

Her silence is my answer.

I sigh quietly but jump slightly when Catherine starts rambling.

"What if she was alive and I said her name and then she died? What if everyone stops saying her name? What if they stop remembering her? What happens if I am the only one left?" She trails off and shudders slightly.

I frown, "Catherine, you know that isn't possible, and that it isn't logical. Emily was part of the team, part of your family. No one is ever going to forget her."

"I never said it was logical Ashley," she says harshly and then in a softer tone, "I know it isn't I just can't get my mind to let go of the fact that I- That we have lost her forever. She promised to come back, to come home. This is her home, she promised to come back but she isn't here!"

I frown and cast my mind back, reaching for my memories in the week leading up to Emily's death. I can't remember Emily mentioning speaking to Catherine while we were working together. "I didn't know that you spoke with Emily before she left for Boston. Or was it while she was there that she contacted you?" I ask hesitantly.

Catherine grimaces and says, "Neither."

I am puzzled. "How could Emily make a promise to you if you didn't speak with her?" I ask.

"She left me a letter," Catherine whispers this so quietly I have to strain my ears to hear her.

I frown. This is news to me. I wonder if anyone on the team knows about this letter. "May I please see it?" I ask in my most respectful tone of voice. The idea of a letter Emily may or may not have left for Catherine has raised various half forgotten suspicions in my mind.

Catherine jumps up from her bed after regarding me closely for more than a minute, as if to judge the merit both of my question and myself.

I am amused enough by her exuberance that it doesn't bother me when Catherine kicks me out of her room so that she can get the letter.

When I am finally let back into her bedroom, Catherine has lost all of her exuberance and the frightened child has reappeared.

She clutches at what I assume to be Emily's letter to her.

I hold out my hand, "May I please see your letter Catherine?"

She holds it out to me before snatching it back and backing up towards her bed.

I follow Catherine but leave a decent amount of space between us and a clear path to the doorway just incase she decides to bolt. I keep my tone calm and even when I talk, "I promise that I will be very careful with it. I will read it right here with you and it won't leave your sight even for a moment."

Catherine sits down on her bed and places the letter beside her.

I sit down on the other side and pick up the letter. "Have you shown this to anyone else?" I ask.

"Not exactly," she murmurs.

"I don't get it," I say, hoping that my obvious confusion will prompt an explanation. It does.

Catherine bites her lip, "I tried to tell and show Jenny but she didn't want to look and Spence…" she trails off, "He refused as well and I didn't- I couldn't push him."

I nod and carefully remove the creased letter from its envelope then unfold it gently.

* * *

_Darling Creirwy (kree-ree),_

_I'm glad you remembered where to look Dawnie._

_Buffy: Dawn, listen to me, listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles… tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. Be brave. Live… for me._

_Spike: I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I'd save you._

_Wait for me Creirwy (kree-ree). I always keep my promises._

_All my love,_

_Emmy_

* * *

After I read the letter I take a couple deep breaths while I absorb everything. I think I've managed to catch all of the veiled meanings in Emily's note and I feel the need to ask Catherine one simple but very important question, "Do believe that Emily is alive even though she didn't come home when you expected her too?"

Catherine's whispered "No," breaks my heart.

We sit in silence for quite a while.

"Catherine," I start apprehensively, "Why have you refused to let Jack and Henry leave here without you?"

Catherine gives me a look that says, 'haven't you figured it out already?' "What if someone came after them? I wouldn't be there to protect them if they're not with me."

"They're not here right now," I feel the need to point it out.

Catherine glares at me, "I know that."

I frown, "So why aren't you afraid for their safety?"

Catherine's eyes catch mine.

I am amazed at how blue they are, but her answer shocks me even more.

"Spence is with them," she says simply, as if that's the end of that and truthfully it was.

I frown, "You do know that things can't go on like this forever, right?"

Catherine huffs in annoyance. "I know Ashley. I just need some time to figure everything out. I need time to come to terms with the fact that the information in Emily's letter was erroneous, and that I was wrong in my assumptions of Emily being alive. I know that sounds incredibly egotistical of me Ashley. I need time to figure out how to say good-bye. I didn't say good-bye before. I was in shock and then I found the letter and I was so sure Emmy was alive and coming back to all of us. That I just had to be patient and she would come home. Now I know that isn't true…" she trails off.

I frown, "How much more time to do you need Catherine? It's been almost three weeks. Jack will have to start school in a few weeks and shouldn't you be writing your thesis or something?" I have a momentary flashback to Emily's funeral and Catherine sprawled out and bawling her eyes out on the freshly shoveled earth of Emily's grave. I decide to try something different, "Have you gone to visit Emily's grave yet?"

Catherine shrugs but doesn't look at me, "I went every week that I was home to talk to her. I felt stupid since I was sure she wasn't buried there…"

I tap my finger on her hand to quiet her, "I meant recently Catherine."  
"I haven't been back since the end of July. I was sure…" she trails off.

"I think you should go back to visit her Catherine," I hold my breath.

"I don't know how," she whispers tiredly.

And exhale, "The same way you went every time before Catherine. You take a bus, drive, or have someone else drive you."

She glares at me, "That's not what I meant and you know it."

I half-smile, "I know, but you need to start getting back into the habit of going to see Emily. It will help you get ready to start up your regular life again."

"You mean move on," She says accusingly.

"Yes," I say simply. "Emily is gone. You're wallowing and you're scaring the hell out of your family Catherine. Even if you aren't ready to move on, you need to fake it for a little while, just until it becomes real. You can mourn Emily all you want but you can't put the rest of your life on hold."

"I need time Ashley," she says firmly.

"How much time?" I ask, not sure I like where our conversation is headed.

"A few more weeks…" she mutters.

"Catherine-" I start.

She cuts me off, "Ashley. I will start fixing things but I won't be able to fake it, to make it convincing until at least Labour Day weekend."

I sigh. _How can I argue with that? No one will believe that this little idea of shock therapy, of putting Catherine and I in a room alone together for a few hours, would work instantaneously. She needs time to figure out how to fake it. And my God- did I just conspire with Catherine to lie to her entire family? _"Alright," I say finally, "I can agree to work with two weeks, but first I want you to promise me something."

"What do you want?" she asks wearily.

I keep my eyes on her, "I want you to meet me tomorrow afternoon."

Her eyes narrow, "Where?"

I watch her face attentively, "At Emily's grave."

Catherine flinches and looks at me, dazed. "Okay," she whispers.

"Good," I say and stand up.

Catherine follows me as I head out of her room towards the front door.

I stop and she stops a few feet behind me.

She cocks her head and looks at me curiously.

I hold out my arms and raise an eyebrow.

Catherine steps into my arms and I hug her briefly before she pulls away.

I wince internally when I realize that this afternoon was filled with more progress than we made since Emily was alive. "Everything is going to be okay Catherine. It will get easier and then better," my voice is barely above a whisper.

"Good-bye Ashley," Catherine whispers as she shuts and locks the condo door behind me.

"Good-bye Catherine. I'll see you tomorrow," I say quietly.

I walk down the hall towards the stairs and am surprised to realize that Catherine hasn't asked me for a single answer in regards to Emily's death at the hands of Ian Doyle. I guess she is so used to being shut down by her family she didn't consider me a viable alternative for answers. I'm not sure if I should be hurt or not. Catherine has finally really grouped me in with her family, but in this case I'm not sure that is a good thing since they've let her down by not being as honest as possible.

* * *

That night, before I fall asleep I make a promise to myself and to Catherine. That if she does come to me for answers about Emily, whether it is when we meet up tomorrow at Emily's grave or at any other time, that I would tell her everything and anything I am able to. She deserves answers. We all do.

* * *

Who is this? and what is here?

And in the lighted palace near

Died the sound of royal cheer;

And they cross'd themselves for fear,

All the knights at Camelot:

But Lancelot mused a little space;

He said, "She has a lovely face;

God in his mercy lend her grace,

The Lady of Shalott."

- Alfred Lord Tennyson, The Lady of Shalott

* * *

AN2: I have a section of the next chapter written but updating will probably take two or more weeks.


	26. Enemy Action

AN: I'm back! :) The reason this has taken so long, both to write and post, is because I'm only using one hand and I'm taking an inadequate amount of pain killers because I'm allergic to narcotics (yay me!). So I'm taking stuff that I don't want to because there isn't another option, but I'm okay and I don't get sick as long as I remember to take my gravol and not get into any moving vehicles :) Not sure if what I've said makes any sense... it's rather difficult for me to follow my own train of thought while taking opioids, so if you can follow me bravo!

AN2: Thank you for your reviews and the PMs :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

**Aaron Hotchner**

* * *

Once is happenstance.

Twice is coincidence.

Three times is enemy action.

- Ian Fleming

* * *

September 9, 2011

9:00 pm

It's ringing. _Come on, pick up! Pick up!_ I smile as the phone stops ringing.

- - Bonjour vous avez rejoinder la boîte vocale de - - **Hello, you have reached the voicemail of-**

_No! Damn it, not the answering machine! This is urgent. I can't leave a fucking message._

The phone clicks letting me know someone has picked up on the other end. I sigh in relief.

A woman's voice answers, "Allo?"

_That's not Emily. Did I dial the right number? Well here goes nothing, _"Hello, may I please speak with Emily Prentiss."

The woman switched to English. Her voice is guarded, "Who is this?"

_That's odd, her accent is British not American. Perhaps she is a contact from Interpol?_ I answer her,"This is Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner. Who is this?"

"My name is irrelevant. I'm the one taking care of her and you're not supposed to contact her so this had better be important," the mysterious woman admonishes me; "You might have just blown our cover and endangered Emily's life again. Is this even a secure line you're calling from?"

I frown the again part hurts though I'm not entirely sure to what she is referring, "It is already a matter of life and death, I assure you. I would not have called if it wasn't important and yes this is a secure line."

"Very well," I can hear the displeasure in her voice, "One moment please."

"Thank you," I reply. It never hurts to be polite.

There is a slight pause before I hear the mysterious woman say, "Maura Sophia Prentiss you are not a monkey. Get down off that bookshelf this instant!"

I hear a loud thump, shrieks of childish laugher, and then the pounding noise of small feet fading away in the background. _Emily has a child? It's not in her file, but she doesn't have any sibling to whom that little girl might belong. It's no wonder she's so good with Jack and Henry. But why didn't she tell me?_

I am pulled from my thoughts at the sound of Emily's frantic voice, "Hotch! What happened? What's wrong? Did something happen to Catherine? Did you kill Doyle?"

_I want to tell Emily how good it is to hear her voice, to know that she is okay. I want to know what she has been doing the past six months but we don't have time; Declan's life is hanging in the balance._ I take a deep breath, "Emily, Declan has been kidnapped."

"What?! Hotch, how do you know that he's been kidnapped? I hid him! Very well, I should add. How did you even locate Declan?"

I rub the back of my head, "I was not the one to pinpoint Declan's location. Morgan was."

"Fuck!" she exclaims, "Why would you do that? Did you compromise his location? No you wouldn't do that. Who has him Aaron?"

This isn't going to go over well, "We're not sure E-"

She cuts me off, her voice deadly, "What do you mean you're not sure?"

"Prentiss calm down, stop interrupting me and listen!" I bark. "I mean that we don't know who took Declan," I hate myself for what I am about to say, "It might have been Doyle. Garcia, JJ and Morgan are trying to locate him." I try to placate her.

"That's it I'm coming back home!" she declares.

I say, "Okay. I understand," because in that instant I just know it would be pointless to argue with her. I am well aware of the lengths Emily went through to protect Declan Doyle the last time he was in danger.

I hear shuffling and Emily's voice is muffled, "I'll call you when I'm at the airport and again when I land."

I frown, "Do you want me to send someone to pick you up? I could send C-"

"No Hotch," Her voice is resolved, "You would have to send JJ and how would you explain her disappearance to the rest of the team? You need her there."

I sigh, "Alright."

"Aaron?" she murmurs.

"Yes?" I susurrate.

"Thank you for calling," Emily hangs up a second later.

I exhale slowly and try to keep the smile off my face. _There are a few more mountains to climb but my team, my family is slowly but surely being put back together._

* * *

**Emily Prentiss**

* * *

Emily puts the receiver down on the cradle before spinning around her mind racing. "Maura!" she calls, "Maura pack your travel backpack, we are going on a short trip."

Abby who was sitting on the couch stands up and crosses her arms, "No Emily."

"I haven't got time to argue with you Abby," Emily says impatiently.

A small child appears in the doorway, "Where are we going Maman?"

"No where," replies Abby before Emily can say anything.

Maura looks between her mother and the other woman who raises her, "Maman?" she asks hesitantly.

"It's alright chérie, go upstairs and start packing your bag," Emily says gently. "I'll be along in a minute to help you."

Abby glares at Emily.

Maura hugs Abby tightly and then Emily before running out of the living room.

"You are not going back Emily. I don't care what the guy on the phone said, it's too dangerous," Abby says, getting riled up.

Emily's eyes show just how frightened she is, "Declan is missing."

Abby frowns, "Missing as in he ran away or missing as in kidnapped?"

Emily shudders, "The second."

Abby eyes grow wide, "Was it Doyle?"

Emily's shoulders slump, "They don't know."

"What do you mean they don't know? How can they not know?" she demands.

Emily sighs, "I don't know yet. Hotch is going to brief me when I land."

"I'm coming with you," declares Abby.

Emily crosses her arms, "No you're not!"

Abby raises an eyebrow challengingly, "Yes I am."

Emily frowns, "I'm going to work the case with my team and there is no way I can get you into the building Abby. You know that."

Abby glowers, "I do know that but why are you taking Maura? It's dangerous Emily. Something is going to happen and I can't bear to lose either one of you."

Emily hugs Abby tightly. "Nothing is going to happen. But I have to do this Abby."

"Leave Maura here with me," Abby pleads.

Emily shakes her head; "She'll be safer if I leave her at the BAU."

Abby throws her arms up, "Emily! Be reasonable, Maura will not be safer there rather than here, across the bloody Atlantic Ocean! Think! Talk to me!"

"No Abby," Emily says firmly, "We're talking in circles and I don't have time to argue with you."

Abby grabs Emily by her shoulders; "Emily Prentiss I am getting on that plane with you and that is final."

Emily rolls her eyes, "You sound like the Ambassador."

"Good," Abby says simply, "Then maybe you'll listen to me."

Emily frowns, "I don't have anywhere for you to stay while you wait. Catherine owns my condo now."

Abby squeezes Emily's shoulder, "Relax Emily. We'll figure it out either on the plane or when we arrive. Maura will be happier if both of us are around."

Emily sighs, "You had to play that card didn't you?"

Abby smiles, "It works every single time."

"Alright!" Emily sighs, "Pack a bag."

Abby turns around to leave.

"We need to leave in 20 minutes Abby," Emily calls out.

"I know," she says smugly, "I already called the airstrip, the plane is standing by."

"What? When?" Splutters Emily.

"When you were on the phone with Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner," Abby says and waggles her eyebrows.

Emily hides her face in her hands, "So all of this," she waves her arm around, "Was pointless?"

Abby rolls her eyes, "Of course not Emily. You just needed to be reminded that people care about you, that you are not alone."

"I love you too," Emily mutters darkly.

Abby smiles brightly and sweeps out of the living room, "Hurry up Emily. We wouldn't want to be late."

Emily groans.

* * *

**Aaron Hotchner**

* * *

September 9, 2011

11:00 pm

I am standing between the backdoor and the Smartboard in our roundtable room and in my most serious tone of voice announce, "I need your attention for a moment please."

The team turns to me as one.

JJ nods in my direction, a pained half-smile appearing on her face.

She is the only one present who has any idea of what I am about to say. As Garcia would say, I'm about to rock their world. Unfortunately I'm going to have to rip the carpet out from under my team, my family first.

I take a deep breath, release it and say; "Emily Prentiss is alive."

Silence for a moment before the room explodes into chaos.

"Quiet," I say in the same tone of voice I use when Jack and Henry get too rowdy.

Silence reigns again.

I swallow my nerves, "That night in the hospital Emily did die. She died on the operating table, but what you were unaware of is that the doctors were able to bring her back to life. She was air lifted to a naval hospital under an assumed name where she recovered until she could be released. I do not know where Emily has been hiding, nor any more information than what I have just given you." I frown at the looks of blatant dismay and betrayal on the faces of my family and continue, "While Agent Jareau and I worked together to ensure Emily's safety until such a time came that she could return to us. It was my decision to classify the information and then I passed it along the appropriate channels. If you want to be angry with someone, take it out on me, not JJ."

"Hotch," JJ says quietly. I can tell by the look on her face that she is even more scared of the potential reactions of our family members then I am.

I stand firm in my convictions that we, that I, did the right thing. "As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issues, they should be directed toward me."

Morgan is incensed and he has every right to be so, "Any issues? Yeah, I've got issues!"

The team and I can hear footsteps coming down the back hall towards the conference room where we are arguing and up until now they were unknowingly awaiting Emily's imminent return.

The rest of my team is stunned into silence a second time when a few seconds later a healthy, and very much alive Emily Prentiss appears in our doorway.

"Oh my God!" cries Garcia.

Reid and Garcia rush forward and hug Emily tightly.

Emily looks at me when she begins to speak. I see pity in her eyes and know that she knows what I have done. "I am so sorry, I really am. Not a day went by that I didn't want to…" Emily trails off, moving away from Reid and Garcia towards Morgan, "Really I… You didn't deserve that and I'm so sorry." She hugs Morgan; it takes him a few seconds to respond in kind. Emily steps away from the team, turns towards our boards and says, "There is so much I want to tell you guys and I promise that I will. But right now I really need to know what's going on with Declan."

I can hear the pitter-patter of small feet hitting the polished tiles in the hall, the sounds are coming closer and there is a quiet giggle before a little blue eyed, chestnut haired girl jumps into the doorway. _This must be Emily's daughter. There is no way she could belong to anyone else._

My team is stunned into silence for the third time in less than five minutes.

The little girl, who cannot be much older than seven, looks at all the adults in the room curiously, as if not quite sure what to do before her eyes lock on Emily and with a huge smile and a joyous cry of "Maman!" she throws herself at the shocked woman.

"Did that little girl just call Emily mommy?" Reid whispers to Garcia.

"I think she did boy wonder," Garcia replies in astonishment.

While the team was distracted by their bewilderment, Emily has bent down to the level of the little girl and they are having a quiet conversation in rapid French.

I clear my throat and Emily finishes the conversation with a small frown on her face. She looked around the room awkwardly, "Um guys, this isn't exactly how I wanted to introduce all of you, but here it goes. This is my daughter, Maura Sophia Prentiss." She turns to the small girl; half hidden behind her legs and says, "Dites bonjour a tout le monde Maura."

"Bonjour," ** Hello **the little girl says with a small smile and a slight wave.

Morgan appears to be halfway between stunned and angry, "Emily I didn't know you had a kid."

Dave starts to say something and then stops.

I find myself asking, "Why did you keep this from us?"

"To protect all of us," Emily replies with a sad look. "I've had her hidden away for years."

"Who is her father?" asks Reid.

"Who do you think her father is Reid?" Prentiss responds after scooping up Maura. She sounds exhausted.

"Judging by her name, appearance and approximate age, I'd say Ian Doyle." He answers promptly.

Prentiss sighs, "It was a rhetorical question Reid."

Dave asks, "Why didn't you hide her in the same house as Declan?"

Prentiss sighs and hugs Maura tightly, "It wasn't safe. Doyle doesn't know about her. If, God forbid, he found Declan, I couldn't let him find Maura as well."

"How could he not know about her?" asks a frowning Garcia.

"I was just over a month pregnant when the mission was finished. I suspected but I never actually told Doyle that I was pregnant." Emily admits in a whisper.

"Does Declan know about Maura?" Dave gently asks Emily.

"They have met each other a few times as friends, nothing more. It wasn't safe. It still isn't safe to have Maura here, but I couldn't leave her again," Emily replies, sounding scared.

"Emily, I know you're worried, but we will get Declan back and put Doyle away, then it will be safe for Maura to be around you all the time." JJ squeezes Emily's hand.

Emily smiles, "I hope so, I miss her when she's not with me."

JJ smiles back, "I know the feeling."

The quiet voice of the little girl hiding her face in Prentiss' neck pipes up, "Maman, j'ai faim. Il n'y avait rein a manger dans le bureau." **Mummy I'm hungry. There wasn't anything to eat in the office.**

Emily kisses the crown of her head, "Maura, I will find you something to eat in a little while alright Chèrie?"

The little girl sighs, "Oui maman."

"Prends ça," **Take this** Prentiss pulls out an iPod from her purse and gives it to Maura, "Écoute ta musique et ne parler pas. D'accord?" **Listen to your music and don't talk. Understood?**

Maura rolls her eyes, "Oui maman, je comprends." **Yes mummy I understand. **In that instant she resembles her mother even more.

Once Maura has the headphones on, Emily sits her daughter down on a chair behind the board with the pictures and facing away from the screen.

We need to get back on track, we've wasted too much time already. "Back to the case at hand everyone. There will be time to talk about everything later. Once we rescue Declan."

"Emily was there a man living at the house?" Reid asks.

"Yes, my friend Tom Cohler. He was raising Declan as his own," She replies.

"Where is he?" inquires JJ.

"I never saw him go in or out of that house," insists Garcia.

"He was on assignment overseas," Emily reassures all of us.

"But he's alright?" JJ probes.

"Yes, he's on his way back now," Emily confirms. "Tom got a call from Declan, he called me and when I landed Hotch told me that you had Doyle in custody."

* * *

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant

filled with odd little waiters

who bring you things you never asked for

and don't always like.

- Lemony Snicket

* * *

AN3: Thank you for reading, please review :)


	27. Maura Sophia Prentiss

AN: So instead of sleeping, I spent last friday morning replying to reviews and watching a live web streaming of my friend graduate university with her Master's in Psychology. Thankfully they let the post-grads go first, I'd forgotten just how long a graduation ceremony lasts. Another thing I'd forgotten was how long, difficult, annoying it is to change my Medic Alert information over the phone as opposed to online.

AN2: Thank you for all of the reviews and PMs :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds nor do I own Robert Munsch's books. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

Behavior is the mirror in which

everyone shows their true image.

- Goethe

* * *

September 9, 2011

11:00 pm

As soon as the briefing is over Emily scoops Maura up from the chair she is sitting on and dashes out of the room and down the hall. JJ follows swiftly behind her, shutting the door to the conference room before anyone else even had a chance to rise from the round table.

JJ spends a few minutes looking for Emily. When she finally locates her, Emily is sitting on the floor in a small office just down the hall from the conference room. JJ frowns. Emily is holding Maura to her, the same way a drowning person clutches at a life preserver. Waiting patiently and looking like she was used to this kind of treatment from her mother, Maura has wrapped her arms around her Emily's neck and is resting her head on Emily's shoulder.

JJ gets Emily and Maura's attention with a slight cough. Then she gently pries Maura out of her mother's tight grip, setting her upright on the floor. "Hello Maura," JJ greets the little girl with a kind smile, "My name is-"

Maura interrupts her, "I already know who you are. You're my aunt Jenny," she chirps happily.

JJ smiles, "Why yes, I am."

Maura opens her mouth and says, "I'm hungry," very decisively.

JJ holds up one finger, "Just hold on a minute Maura. I need to help your mama get up, her legs appear to have fallen asleep."

Maura nods seriously, but is unable to keep the smile off her face when she looks at her mother.

JJ helps Emily to her feet before pulling her into a crushing hug. "I'm so glad you're back Emily," she whispers.

Emily hugs JJ back just as tightly, "I'm glad to be back Jen. I just wish it was under different -better- circumstances."

"You and me both," JJ laughs bitterly.

Emily releases JJ and turns to her daughter, "Okay Maura, now we can find something for you to eat. What would you like?"

"Ice cream!" shouts Maura.

JJ chuckles.

Emily rolls her eyes but doesn't bother to hide her smile, "How about a grilled cheese sandwich instead?"

"Okay maman, but I want ice cream for dessert!" Maura says, jumping up and down.

"Really Emily, aunt Jenny?" JJ says to Emily as they walk behind a skipping Maura.

Emily frowns, "Well what did you want me to have her call you?"

JJ looks at Emily, "I didn't think you would have her call me anything."

"Oh!" Emily exclaims quietly.

"Yeah," murmurs JJ.

Emily and JJ stop walking as they reach the elevator.

"Cherie, we're going down to the first floor," Emily says in response to her daughter's questioning look. She turns to JJ, "Well we can change it, if you want. What do you want to be called?"

"N- no, no." JJ stutters, "You don't need to change it Em. I guess I'm still a little stunned."

The elevator arrives and Maura hops over the threshold.

JJ smiles distractedly at the little girl before turning back to Emily, "Does this mean you're staying?"

Emily shrugs.

JJ frowns but plods on, "What is she going to call the rest of the team?"

Emily blushes slightly, "Aunt or uncle, if they're okay with it. I'll have to ask later."

JJ squeezes Emily's hand, "I'm sure they will be once they get over the shock of her existence." JJ bites her lip, "Emily, what about Catherine?"

Emily looks away and JJ drops the subject.

* * *

Humming happily and swinging her legs until they kick the underside of the table, Maura devours her grilled cheese sandwich. At a nearby table in the nearly deserted cafeteria, guarding the ice cream sandwich, sit Emily and JJ:

JJ frowns, "Emily, why didn't you just leave Maura with Abby in Europe? Why did you bring her back here?"

Emily looks imploringly at JJ, "I couldn't just leave her halfway across the world from me Jen. Furthermore, Abby got it into her head that she should accompany me, us, on the flight over."

"She's here?" JJ looks around and frowns, "How did she get in? Why didn't you say anything earlier?"

Emily rolls her eyes, "JJ she's not here here, as in, in the building. Abby is in Washington, sorting a few things out."

JJ raises an eyebrow at Emily's serious tone, "What is she sorting out Emily, a place to stay? Because you know I have space, and I would love to meet her."

Emily smiles at JJ, "If only if were that simple Jay-J and I know she wants to meet you too. Abby didn't tell me until we were already in the air but one of my covers in Paris had been blown and alarms had been triggered for my new identity. Abby spoke with Clyde and he said that someone had been digging and put two and two together."

JJ laughs, "I'm sorry you were in danger Emily but they must have come up with five, not four."

Emily smiles at her friend's joke. Then she sighs it is time to be serious again, "It wasn't Doyle."

"Then who was it?" questions JJ.

"Clyde said that no one from Interpol seems to know and if they do, he's not telling me." Emily says frustration colouring her words.

"Do you want to leave Maura with Will and Henry?" JJ proposes.

"Are you sure that would be safe?" Emily asks worriedly.

"We could always have Will and Henry come here, then he can stay with Maura and she wouldn't have to leave the building if someone is watching." JJ reassures her friend.

"Alright" Emily agrees.

"I'll call Will. Do you have everything Maura needs?" asks JJ.

"Yes our bags are in your old office," Emily replies with a smile.

JJ chuckles, "Good. I'll call Will and Penelope and I can watch Maura until he gets here. You need to go talk to Doyle and the rest of the team."

Emily flinches.

JJ grabs Emily's hand from across the table, "Hey now, everything is going to be okay Emily. We'll get Declan back and then you can stay here for good."

Emily smiles at JJ but it doesn't reach her eyes, "Thanks Jen."

* * *

Emily, JJ and Maura walk downstairs from the cafeteria and back to JJ's old office. Emily gives Maura her backpack, "Maura you need to wait here for me okay? I won't be gone long but I need to do some work. Do you remember what I told you on the plane?"

Maura nods, "Yes maman."

Emily kisses the top of her head, "Good girl. Maura, tante Jenny va rester ici pour un petit moment jusqu'à ce que-" she pauses, "son mari Will et leur fils Henry arrivera. Ils vont rester avec toi jusqu'à ce que je puisse revenir."** Now Aunt Jenny is going to stay here with you for a little while until her husband Will and her little boy Henry arrive. They're going to stay with you until I can.**

"Mais où est Abby?" Maura asks looking hopeful. **But where is Abby?**

Emily tucks Maura's stray curl behind her ear, "Chérie Abby is working too."

"Et Catherine?" asks Maura, looking around behind her mother. **And Catherine?**

Emily looking pained glances up at JJ.

JJ answers Maura's question and Emily's silent plea for help, "Catherine is at the library."

Maura holds up her bag, " Je veux y aller maman. J'ai mes livres." **I want to go there mummy, I have my books.**

Emily sighs, "Peut-être plus tard Maura." **Maybe later Maura.**

Maura huffs.

Emily chucks her under her chin, "None of that now."

Maura nods.

Emily smiles, "Je dois aller maintenant, donner moi un câlin et un bisou." **I have to go now, give me a hug and a kiss.**

Emily's lips twitch, "Être sage." **Be good/Behave yourself.**

Maura laughs.

Emily closes the office door and turns to JJ, "Maura's right Jen: what about Catherine? Why is she still at the library? I thought she would be here by now."

JJ grimaces and looks away, "I didn't tell her."

Emily raises a solitary eyebrow, "What didn't you tell her Jennifer? That I was back or that I was alive?"

JJ swallows and answers nervously, "Uh, both."

Emily frowns, "Just how bad was it these past few months?"

JJ cringes.

"That bad?" Emily whispers.

"Worse," mutters JJ.

Emily winces, "I want to talk to her when everything is over. If you think she will talk to me."

JJ fakes a smile to reassure her friend, "I'm sure she will Emily."

Emily hums and says quietly, half to herself, "What about my letter? Are you sure she didn't know I was alive?"

"Fuck Emily!" JJ whispers furiously, "You left her a letter? How? How could you be so irresponsible! You weren't supposed to have contact with anyone after we went through all that trouble of faking your death and lying to our friends and family!"

Emily crosses her arms, "I didn't do it after I was 'dead'. I swear Jen."

"When?" JJ demands.

"Before," Emily looks slightly nervous.

"I got that. Try again," JJ spits out.

Emily bites her lip; "I left Crierwy (kree-ree) a letter in her bedroom at my condo before I left for Boston."

JJ looks puzzled, "Morgan and Rossi tore your apartment apart looking for clues. They didn't find it. Where did you put it?"

"Of course they didn't find it." Emily scoffs. "I wouldn't be very good at my job if I couldn't even hide important things properly in my own condo."

JJ doesn't look impressed with Emily's answer.

Emily shifts her weight, "There is a small space for letters in the mattress on Catherine's bed. I tucked it in there."

JJ raises an eyebrow and looks skeptical, "And Catherine knew about this spot?"

Emily looks at the floor, "Of course, it's where we kept the stories we wrote about Buffy."

JJ rolls her eyes and scowls, "You must have left some letter. For months she was sure you were alive and coming back to us. The team thought she was just in denial. August first came and she didn't leave the house. She stayed by the phone all day. August second is when she started to fall apart Emily. She didn't even leave the condo to go to school until this past Monday."

Emily shivers.

"Seaver-" JJ stops talking.

"What about Ashley Jen?" queries Emily.

JJ frowns, "Seaver took Catherine to visit your grave Emily." JJ shudders, "It was scary Emily. She would barely let Henry out of her sight. She wouldn't talk to me and she started having nightmares again."

Emily looks momentarily ill. "I'll find a way to fix it Jen. I promise." Emily says sincerely.

JJ crosses her arms, "Don't make promises that you can't keep Emily Prentiss."

"I _will_ find a way to fix this Jennifer. I _have_ to," Emily promises.

JJ smiles and hugs Emily tightly. "Good. I'll call Catherine later; maybe she'll actually pick up this time. I really have missed you Em." JJ gives Emily a little push, "Now go away, you have a little boy to rescue."

* * *

11:45 pm

Will arrives not quite twenty minutes later with Henry in a stroller. JJ greets him with a kiss as he stepped out of the elevator. JJ and Will had had a long conversation about lying before Will and Henry drove to the BAU. Will was understandably upset. He also knew that if Emily were to return to DC permanently, to a place where she was safe and with family, he would need to accept JJ's explanation at face value, at least for tonight. JJ picked up a sleeping Henry, "Are you ready to meet Emily's daughter?" she asks quietly.

"You bet," says Will.

"Maura, you can come out now sweetie" JJ calls out and the little girl came around the corner, where she had been hiding. "This is my Will and our son Henry."

"Salut," Maura greets Will shyly.

"Will and Henry are going to keep you company while your mommy and the rest of our team are working." JJ said.

"I understand," said Maura, "Maman told me on the plane; you have to go catch the bad guys."

JJ and Will smile at the similarity between what Hotch and Emily have told their children.

JJ goes back to the team and Will sets up shop in her old office. He notes that the desk has been moved to make space for two small cots, one for Maura and the other for Henry. Will locks the door and puts the still sleeping Henry on the cot furthest away from the door.

Maura stares at Will who was sitting on a chair, as if sizing him up. Then she goes over to her bag and pulls out a book.

Will who hasn't taken his eyes off of Emily's daughter since he first met her; the resemblance is uncanny, smiles when he sees Maura take out a book. "Would you like me to read that to you chére?" he offers.

Maura spins around with a grin on her face, "Parlez vous Français?" **Do you speak French?**

"Sorry chére I don't speak French," replies Will.

"Oh," Maura replies, looking disappointed.

"Do you want me to read that book to you?" Will asks a second time.

Maura frowns, "Ceci est en français. I mean. This one is in French."

"What about the others?" Will asks pointing to the stack of books Maura had next to her backpack.

"Some are in English," answers Maura with a small smile. Grabbing the third one from the pile she climbs up onto the chair next to Will and presents him with _A Promise is a Promise_ by Robert Munsch.

Will smiles, "Henry has this one at home. Are you ready to listen?"

Maura nods.

Will opens the book to the first page, angling it so Maura can see the pictures.

"Wait!" Maura whisper shouts, "I don't have Minou!"

Will is confused, "You don't have what now?"

Maura hops off the chair and rushes over to her bag. "Mon tou-tou," she says, presenting a tiny black cat to Will.

"What's his name?" Will asks kindly.

Maura gives Will the same look Emily does when someone asks a particularly stupid question, "_Her_ name is Minou."

Will nods sagely, "Alright, sorry."

Maura spends a minute staring at Will.

He stares back.

Maura nods once, climbs up onto Will's lap and leans into him. "I'm ready now," she announces.

Will smiles and wraps one arm around Maura. He takes a deep breath and says, "On the very first day of spring Allashua said 'I'm going to go fishing on the ice. I'm going to go fishing in the cracks.'"

* * *

"One of the deep secrets in life is that

all that is really worth the doing is what we do for others."

- Lewis Carroll

* * *

AN2: Fluff! okay I'm done. Thank you for reading, please review. The next chapter should be up soon.


	28. Ian Doyle

AN: Thank you for your reviews :) This one still feels a little choppy to me, so apologies in advance if it actually is.

AN2: Much to my shock, I appear to have been remiss in my duties as elder sister. My little sister (no so little anymore), has never seen Fight Club! This grave error is being remedied as I edit.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

* * *

Honore de Balzac once said,

"Most people of action are inclined to fatalism

and most of thought believe in providence."

Tell me, Emily Prentiss, which do you think you are gonna be?

- Ian Doyle, Coda

* * *

**Emily Prentiss**

* * *

September 9, 2011

11:30 pm

Hotch corners me near the bathrooms and pulls me into a supply closet. He's frowning, "Emily where were you? How did you get here so quickly? Unless I am very much mistaken, it takes more than 7 hours to fly here from Paris and you got here in just two hours. Did you find out before we did? Did Declan call you or someone else?"

I ignore all of the unimportant questions and ask hesitantly, "Hotch, what gave you the idea I was in Paris?"

He just looks at me, "That's where you were assigned. Also, Maura your daughter," he stumbles over his words, "She was speaking in French."

I frown, "Hotch the number you called was forwarded to a satellite phone. I was already on this side of the ocean when you called. As for Maura she always speaks French when she's nervous about meeting new people."

"Alright, but where were you Emily?" he asks again.

I sigh, "Aaron, you know I can't tell you that." _I think it's the use of his first name that makes Hotch stop and think about what he is asking._

"All right Emily. I won't ask again." Hotch puts his hand on my shoulder, "I just want you to know that I'm glad you're okay and that it's good to have you back."

"Thanks Hotch," I whisper to his back as he exits the cupboard.

* * *

The instant I see Ian Doyle sitting in the interrogation room I have a flash back to the last time I saw him: Before Derek arrived but after Doyle had stabbed me in the stomach with that wooden table leg, he crouched down next to me while I lay dying on the cold cement floor. Ian wanted to know where Declan was. He was so sure that he should be the one raising Declan instead of Tom or Louise.

I would have kept Declan with me, and just disappeared off the face of the earth (gone into hiding) if I hadn't been pregnant with Maura. Maybe I should have kept him regardless. No, Ian would still have escaped prison because he loves Declan and then I wouldn't have had any warning that he was coming after us at all. I would be dead and Declan, my sweet little boy and Maura, my baby would be with him.

_Damn, even in my own head it is exceedingly difficult to call him Doyle and not Ian. This man has something to do with the kidnapping of our- no, of the boy he sired. He's murdered more people than I could possibly ever know of. He is not my Ian._

* * *

The next reminder I need that this Ian is not my- Not Lauren's, Ian is the what he said when we met for coffee back in February:

_Ian smirks, "Tell me, does the lovely Penelope know the truth about you? Or is she too busy watching movies with Derek to care? Here you are, all alone, while Aaron sits at home with his son. And why didn't Dave and Ashley invite you to their game night? Maybe they thought you'd be on the metro with Dr. Reid. Well, that one does have some quirks. What about that little blonde who is at your flat till the wee hours, Alice Catherine? Maybe I should pay her a visit when you're not home."_

_I glare at him, "Come near my team or her, and I will end you."_

_His lips twitch, I don't have a quarrel with them. How long that remains the case, depends entirely on you. They're innocent, you're not."_

_"I was doing my job," I remind him unnecessarily._

_"I think you did a little more than that," He growls. "You took the only thing that mattered to me, so I'm going to take the only thing that matters to you: your life. Ian placed a gold matchbook with a four-leaf clover on it on the table between us. "Honore de Balzac once said, 'Most people of action are inclined to fatalism and most of thought believe in providence.' Tell me, Emily Prentiss, which do you think you are gonna be?"_

_The final reminder that he is not the same man came not when he stabbed me with a broken table leg, but when he threatened Catherine for the second time. I was loosing a lot of blood, so my memory is a little fuzzy but he said something along the lines of, "Maybe that pretty little blonde would like to be a mother." I couldn't let him get to her, not after what he'd just done. The last thing I remember says to Derek was, "Protect Creirwy (kree-ree)."_

* * *

I steel myself to enter the interrogation room.

Spencer, my silent shadow's eyes sweep searchingly over my face.

I nod at him.

He raises an eyebrow before nodding back. Spencer opens the door to the interrogation room.

I take a deep breath, exhale and step inside.

Blue eyes go wide. The brief look of surprise is quickly covered up and he greets me with, "Of course." His lips twitch, "Lauren Reynolds died in a car accident. Why shouldn't Emily Prentiss, killed by my own hand, come back from the dead as well."

"Hello Ian," I reply while cursing internally.

"Hello Lauren," he drawls.

I flinch even though I know he's watching for it.

He hmms, "Or do you prefer Emily now? I can't seem to remember."

I frown. It's time to regain some control; "It's Agent Prentiss or Ma'am to you."

"Ouff. Trying for authority are we love? It isn't going to work." He smirks, "We both know I have your number. Besides," he continues, "You're not an Agent at the moment, you're dead. And while we're on the subject of titles, I seem to recall another time when you wanted me to call you ma'am."

"Ian!" _Damn it, why can't I keep my mouth shut and my reactions to myself?_

He smirks, "Emily what ever happened to the tiny little blonde girl that used to come and go from your flat at all hours? Alice Catherine was it? She was rather pretty for a blonde, maybe I should have someone look into where she is now."

"Don't you dare Ian," I boldly proclaim. I'm freaking out inside but my outside demeanor appears calm and collected.

His lips twitch, "Oh no, love; you don't get to use that tone with me anymore, we're not sleeping together. She is obviously important to you. Who is she?"

"She is just a student," I say dismissively.

He frowns, "Don't lie to me love."

I frown back, "She is a University student writing a master's thesis on languages. I speak quite a few of them Ian, don't you remember?"

Ian raises an eyebrow, "So you haven't decided that you like little girls instead of men?"

My mouth drops open in shock, "Seriously? That's what you're going to go with? I know that you were in my condo Ian, you must have noticed that she has her own room."

He gives me a superior look, "I noticed a lot of things Emily. When she was there, she slept in your room quite often, but not nearly as often as you slept in hers."

I laugh, "That's all you've got? We slept in the same room? How does that amount to anything?"

"Is she your little girl Emily?" He asks almost hesitantly, "Did you have a child and not tell me?"

I sight, "No Ian, she isn't mine."

He cocks his head, "And yet you still consider her family. Interesting."

I frown, "I never said anything like that."

Ian smiles, "Ah, but you didn't have to love. It's in your eyes. Besides, you would never share a flat with someone you didn't care about. It took you months to share a room with me and we were fucking like rabbits."

Ian turns to look at Reid, "You sure are red boy. Do you not know how to fuck like rabbits? Are you jealous? Is there someone you would like to be fucking? I noticed your flinch when I mentioned Alice Catherine, is that it? You want her? Or are you more interested in Emily here? I can tell you she's-"

"Ian!" I shout before he can get any farther.

Ian smirks, "We were great together."

I roll my eyes and take a quick peek at Spencer from the corner of my eye. He's still red.

Ian dismisses Reid as unimportant and turns back to me, "Did you know that I was planning to surprise you with dinner that night."

I frown, not liking where this conversation is headed "Which night?"

Ian looks solemn, "The one when you were taken away. The same night I thought you were in a car accident."

I sigh, "Why Ian?"

His hands tighten into fists momentarily, "Because I knew. Rather I suspected."

Oh crap, "What did you suspect Ian?"

His eyes soften, "I had this white rabbit, it was so small it fit into the palm of my hand."

"I don't know where you're going with this Ian," I lie.

His smile is almost sad, "Oh but you do love. I know you do."

I scowl at him.

He continues, "I prepared all of your favorites, but not the chicken nuggets. I noticed that they had been making you feel nauseated."

I breathe out sorrowfully, "Ian."

"Was it real?" he asks hope colouring his voice. "Or did I just imagine it?"

I keep my mouth closed. Where is he going with this?

He sighs, "I wanted it to be real."

I flinch slightly. Back then I wanted it to be real too.

"Was it real? Were you pregnant?" he implores.

"Yes," The words are out of my mouth before I can think of stopping them.

Relief is evident on his face, "Did you have my child?"

I squash it like a bug, "No."

"What do you mean no? Did you kill my child?" He shouts, getting angry now.

I've hit a nerve but I honestly don't know why he is reacting this way. So I answer him calmly, "No."

His jaw drops slightly, "Did you lose my child?"

"No," I say firmly.

He pounds his cuffed fists on the table, "God damn it Emily! Give me a real answer!"

I'm starting to get some sort of perverse pleasure out of baiting the man who tried to kill me and very nearly ruined my life, "No."

He growls low in this throat, "Tell me."

I frown at him, "She's not yours Ian. She's mine."

"Oh so I have a daughter then." He smiles, pleased, "What is her name?"

I cross my arms, "You'll never know because I'm never going to tell you."

"Does she look like me?" he asks.

I blink.

He smirks, "Does it hurt to look directly into my daughter's eyes and see me staring back at you?"

I shift slightly in my chair and repeat my mantra, "She's not yours Ian. She's mine."

He chuckles, "So my daughter looks like me then. I'm sure she'll make a fine little sister for Declan. They'll be true warriors, just like their father."

I roll my eyes. I mustn't let him get under my skin.

"How old is my daughter then? She must be about seven now. Do you see her often? I wonder if she will miss you when you're dead?" He muses.

I am resolute, "She's not yours Ian. She's mine. And I will make sure that you never see her."

Doyle struggles in his chair, trying to launch himself over the table.

I stand up, "Good-bye Ian."

"No! You can't leave! You have to give me answers!" Doyle shouts. "Where is my son? Where is Declan? Where is my daughter? You bitch, tell me where you hid my children!" He demands.

I walk out of the interrogation room and Reid follows behind me.

Hotch is standing in front of me, his arms crossed, "You can't go back in there Emily, that was a complete disaster."

"I need to check something with Garcia Hotch," mumbles Spencer before escaping the upcoming confrontation.

_Oh crap, Hotch was standing on the other side of the glass. I have to try and fix this. He is not going to bench me._ "No, that's just it Hotch. He'll expect someone else to go back in. Let me try again, He's already rattled."

Hotch frowns, "He's not the only one."

I sigh, "Hotch, no one else will be able to do this. You know it, I know it."

His sigh mirrors my own, "Are you comfortable using your daughter as a bargaining chip?"

"She's not something to be used Aaron," I snap.

"Good. I'm glad you think that but Doyle is going to try," he reminds me.

"I know and I'll be ready," I promise.

* * *

When Spencer and I storm into the interrogation room ten minutes later I place several sheets of paper filled with photographs on the table and bark at Doyle, "Which one is Declan's mother?"

Doyle points to a picture in the middle and answers me, "Chloe Donaghy." He continues with, "But she had nothing to do with this."

"How do you know," I ask harshly, "Did you kill her too?"

He replies with scorn, "Because she tried to kill Declan before he was ever born."

I push on, "Who were her contacts in the states?"

"Who ever they are, they're as good as dead. She works with people, sucks them dry and then moves on," Doyle replies. He frowns, "She never wanted Declan, why would she take him?"

I sneer, "This is about you Ian. You just told me that you kept her a prisoner for nine months-"

Doyle cuts me off, "Seven."

I scoff, "Seven." Then it hits me, "Did Louise help deliver Declan?"

"Yes," He replies simply.

I place a picture of Louise's battered body on the table in front of Doyle and say, "That's called revenge Ian. Chloe didn't just forget about what you put her through."

"She would rather have been dead than to have my baby," says Doyle. "What was I supposed to do?"

"Chaining her to a bed wasn't the answer!" I answer angrily.

"She was paid a lot of money for her troubles," Doyle replies.

I sit down facing Doyle and explain, "That was torture Ian." I ask incredulously, "And you don't think she spent years figuring out how to do the same to you? She took the only thing you love. What else would she and Geracy have to gain from taking Declan?"

"Money," He answers. "That's all she ever cared about."

"I need a list of everyone with the kind of money they're looking for." I demand, handing Doyle a pad of paper and a pen. "And anyone else who wants to hurt you."

* * *

I am not the only one concerned when Garcia discovers that Lachlan McDermott Chloe's other accomplice owns a warehouse in Baltimore's harbor, something doesn't fit. The rest of the team, minus Reid and myself, has gone to check it out. We are staying here with Doyle just incase we need more information from him.

* * *

1:00 am

Reid's phone rings. He throws a pained look in my direction before swiftly exiting the office.

I follow Reid out and catch up to him in the observation room glaring at Ian Doyle a few minutes later.

He turns to face me, "Geracy is dead and Declan's disappeared. They had him at the warehouse but now they're gone."

My jaw drops in shock.

Reid throws open the door to the interrogation room where Doyle is still chained to the table, "Your ex is working with Lachlan McDermott."

Doyle hangs his head.

"How would he leave the country?" Reid demands.

"I don't know," Doyle says, not looking at Reid. "He's got endless funds, you'll never stop him."

"And he hates you doesn't he?" Reid sneers.

Doyle raises his head and smirks, "More than you do."

"Then I think we should give him what he really wants," says Reid, "You."

I burst in, "No! We are not letting him out of here Reid!"

Reid turns to me, a wild look in his eyes, "Emily I will chain myself to him if I have to!"

"He'll find a way to escape!" _ I can't believe Reid thinks this is a good idea!_

"No he won't and we're running out of time. If we find McDermott now we have a chance to save Declan!" Reid says desperately.

I give in, "All right. I'll call Hotch. But Spencer-"

He nods, "I know Emily."

I exit the interrogation room and whip out the old cellphone Garcia had pressed onto my hand earlier.

The first thing Hotch asks after I explain the situation and Reid's solution is, "Is Strauss still there?"

I answer in the affirmative, "She is."

"We need full support."

"Doyle said McDermott's family imported weapons to a private airfield in Maryland," I tell him, while walking quickly down the hall.

"Is it close?" he asks.

I nod before I remember he can't see me and answer aloud, "Yes, it's in Largo."

"All right send me the coordinates," Hotch says and hangs up.

* * *

Rodrigo: Save your thoughts. Say nothing.

Cesare: I haven't uttered a word.

Rodrigo: No, but we can hear you thinking.

The Borgias S2.6

* * *

AN3: So here I have a chapter being posted on Catherine's birthday, but she doesn't even make a cameo appearance... oops! There was a scheduling conflict, and by scheduling conflict I mean that my story decided to take an unexpected left turn, she'll be here next week.

Thanks for reading, please review :)


	29. Meeting Abigail Winter

AN: 28th Chapter on the 28th of June! Thank you for your reviews :) I've been sick this past week so apologies if you find several editing errors. I blame the fever.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. Catherine Jareau is mine, along with all the other characters you do not recognize.

Happy Canada Day! (Monday)

* * *

You'll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.

- Dr. Seuss

* * *

September 10th, 2011

12:00 am

_If it is possible, I hate today more than yesterday. It has been one hundred and eighty one days since Emily died. I was sure that she would have come back already. In fact, I was absolutely positive that Emily would be back on Jessie's birthday last month: 147 days after she died just like her letter promised. It wasn't meant to be. She didn't come back because she isn't alive and I just have to learn to accept that, or fake it till it's true. At least that's the bullshit Ashley is spouting._

_We've gotten better at being around each other, but it's still awkward. Emily's ghost is hanging between us, the elephant in the room. Maybe it'll get easier as time goes on, or maybe she'll just leave me alone so I can wallow in peace. The latter is looking less and less likely; she just can't take a hint. Then again, she probably knows exactly what I'm attempting to do and is ignoring my wishes. What is it with Emily surrounding herself with stubborn people?_ I exhale slowly. _I need a new train of thought._ _Right, I was supposed to be grading papers. How many do I have left?_ I look at the stack, _too many._

I frown at my phone when it vibrates next to me on my desk. It's nearly midnight, _why would anyone be calling at this hour?_

I frown at my phone when it vibrates next to me on my desk. It's nearly midnight, _why would anyone be calling at this hour?_

I pick up, "Hello?"

"Catherine are you still at the library?" A harried sounding Will asks.

"No Will I'm not. I'm at E- I'm at the condo. Why did something happen?" I ask worriedly.

"Catherine I'm catching and I've been called in. I need you to come look after Henry please."

I sigh, "Where's Jennifer?"

Will sighs, "Catherine don't start this now."

I frown, "Will I'm not trying to start anything. I genuinely want to know where my sister is."

"She's in the field," he says evasively.

"Since when? Why didn't anyone bother to tell me?" I'm starting to get nervous.

"Catherine it's been really busy around here," he says shortly.

"Will where are you?" Really nervous.  
"Spencer," He stops, "Spencer didn't call you because-"  
I cut him off, "Will are you at the BAU?"

He sighs, "Yes."

My voice catches, "Why?" Really, really nervous.

"Someone will tell you when you get here chére," he says slowly.

"William Lamontain, _you_ will tell me what you know right now," I say sternly.

"Catherine Jareau, you will stop demanding answers and get here as soon as possible." he answers in the same tone. Then he sighs, "Please!"

I sigh, "It's going to take a while Will, I'll have to call a cab and-"

Will interrupts me, "Actually JJ said there would be someone waiting to give you a ride. You just have to call the number I texted you."

I wrap one arm around myself, "I'm not getting in a car with Ashley again."

"Nah, it's not her," he reassures me.

"Then who is it?" I ask.

"I don't know," I can hear the shrug in his voice.

I scowl, "Pass me to Jen."

"She's already left Catherine," Will says in a rush.

I take a moment to control my breathing, "Am I- are _we_ in danger Will?"

"No, not us chére," he sighs, "Someone else is. But you need to call, Jennifer trusts whomever it is."

I close my eyes, "Okay Will. Does Henry need anything?"

"No we've got everything for him here, but you might want to grab one of your books to read incase he wakes up." I can hear the frown in his voice, "Henry's been asking for Poe."

"Will…" I bite my lip.

He sighs, "Yes Catherine?"

"I swear I haven't been reading anything written by Edgar Allen Poe to Henry."

He chuckles.

I sigh in relief, "I'll grab my go-bag and call the number."

"Thanks Catherine. We'll see you soon," he says tiredly.

I whisper, "Bye Will."

He hangs up.

* * *

I put my phone down on my desk and walk across the room to my go-bag, which is under my bed. I pull it up onto bed and unzip the zipper.

"'ello poppet," a distinctly female voice says from behind me.

I spin around, heart in my throat. _How the hell did someone get in? I locked the door!_ _Don't panic. Don't panic. There is no time for panicking._ My heart skips a beat, for a split second the intruder is Emily. Then my brain kicks in, and my eyes take a second and then a third look. The brunette woman is shorter than my Emily was and instead of dark brown eyes, she has bright green ones. _Damn it stop panicking!_ I frown and try to play it cool, "Who are you? What do you want and how did you get in here?"

She takes a step towards me, "My name is Abigail Winter and I am a friend of Emily's. I was told you needed a ride."

I reach into my bag for my Taser. _That was neither the passphrase, nor any of the numerous questions Jenny and I agreed upon in case of emergencies. We certainly never agreed that someone could, would or should break-in! Especially without my knowing who they were and that someone was coming!_

"Your Taser's not in there child," the trespasser says gently. Then she smiles, "She said you would go for it first after you'd staved off your desire to panic."

"I'm not a child," I answer feeling around for my pepper spray, "And who the hell gave you information on me."

She frowns, "Emily of course."

I start shaking; _this has to be a nightmare._ I croak, "What?"

She ignores my question, "What's got you so jumpy? Didn't you know I was coming?"

My fear is slowly being overridden by my anger, "I don't know who you are. You said you are a friend of Emily's and that isn't possible."

"Why not?" she asks a London accent, one that I had gotten so used to hearing in July, bleeding through the American one.

"Because you used the present tense and Emily is dead. You should have said you were her friend, past tense, if you wanted me to believe you. Or at least used this week's passphrase." I pull out my pepper spray and hold it in front of my threateningly.

"Hmm, I guess I missed that one," she says. "I never would have considered a perfume bottle would be pepper spray."

"What?" _I am so confused._

"I went through the condo while you were gone and then your bag while you were in the other room," she says matter-of-factly.

"Why?" I ask, completely gobsmacked.

"I wanted to see if you had made any changes to the place. It's just as I pictured it," She muses then looks up at me, "Why didn't you change anything?"

I glare at the intruder, refusing to answer her stupid question. Instead I say, "What the hell do you want?"

She sighs, "I want to give you a lift in to the BAU, but ask me the question first. I really must apologize; we're doing this all out of turn. I suppose I should have knocked."

I cross my arms, "Yes you should have and I just asked you a question."

She rolls her eyes, "No, not A question, ask _the _question. You asked for the passphrase before but I'd rather answer the bloody question."

I frown but comply, "What book did Aaron give and read to me when I first met him?"

"Edmund Spencer's The Faerie Queen." She smiles, "It is a wonderful piece of literature, I am rather partial to it myself."

I don't know what to say anymore, she got the answer right, so I just say, "I'm calling my sister."

"That is well within your rights," she answers with a shrug.

I raise an eyebrow in shock.

"What?" She asks, "Did you think I was going to stop you? It's not like I'm kidnapping you or taking you hostage."

I flinch.

She frowns, "Sorry, sorry… Please excuse my inability to be suave when I'm knackered. Emily is always getting on my case about it."

I flinch at the use of her name.

The woman sighs, "By all means, please call JJ."

I walk back to my desk and pick up my cell. As soon as my sister answers I blurt out, "Jenny, there is a woman here. She says her name is Abigail Winter."

"Oh good," answers my sister, "She got there quickly."

I frown, "Jen, did you by any chance tell her it would be okay to _break-in_?"

"What?" she exclaims, "No! Why would I do that?"

I sigh, "Just checking."

My sister sighs, "Catherine you need to go with her. I'm in the middle of something."

"Jen-" I start.

She cuts me off, "I'll tell you all about it when I get back. Please Kitty Cat, this is important. I need you to take care of Henry and…" she trails off.

"Jen?" I ask hesitantly.

"I have to go now sweetie. We're leaving the base and getting on the highway."

I'm getting just a little more nervous with every dismissal, "Where exactly are you going Jen?"

"Spencer should still be there if you hurry up," she answers hurriedly.

I shout, "Jennifer!"

She hangs up.

"Fuck!" I throw my phone onto my bed in frustration.

The brunet picks up my go-bag and cell phone. She walks out of my room and down the hall. "Come along," she calls back to me, "I'll tell you whatever you want to know once we're in the car."

I stick the bottle of pepper spray in my jean's pocket, grab the latest book of poems I have been reading to Henry and follow behind her. I'm stewing in my anger both at this interloper and my sister who couldn't have been bothered to call me herself the first time. _Why couldn't I have just taken a cab?_

* * *

I trail behind the brunet intruder as she takes the stairs down to the garage, stopping at a black town car with diplomatic plates.

She opens the passenger door and gestures for me to enter, "Come on Crierwy (kree-ree), in the car. Time's a wasting."

I flinch, "Don't call me that."

She holds up her hands in surrender, "Alright I won't."

We buckle our seatbelts and I notice that she does hers up behind her just like Will and the rest of the team do when they're working._ I'm not sure how I feel about being in the car with someone I don't know. No wait, I do know. I'm utterly terrified. How the hell am I still functioning, and not curled up in a ball somewhere panicked out of my mind?_

She puts the car into gear and pulls out of the parking lot, "First things first: call me Abby. Second, Emily is alive."

_She's alive! _Hope. _No! No she's not! This woman is lying to me. _I feel dizzy. I want to scream and cry and hit someone, but the only thing that passes my lips is, "You don't look like an Abigail."

Abigail turns to look at me; the non sequitur must have confused her. "I beg your pardon?" she says.

"Your name," I answer dazedly, "It doesn't suit you."

She smiles, "Oh and I suppose yours does Catherine or should I say Al-"

"Stop!" I flinch at the possibility of the dreaded name being spoken aloud.

I lean away from the brunet and reach to unbuckle my seatbelt.

She grimaces, "Emily was right, you really don't like that name." She puts her hand on my arm, "Don't do that while I'm driving."

"Don't!" I shriek, "Please don't touch me."

"Catherine," she says firmly, "We don't have time for you to have a panic attack right now. There are a few things you need to know before we get to the BAU. Nod if you're still able to follow what I'm saying?"

I nod once, slowly.

"Okay," she says, "Let's try this again; Emily Prentiss is alive."

_There is one tiny flicker of hope in my chest before I crush it ruthlessly. As Ashley is so fond of reminding me, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live._ "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Emily is dead!"

She laughs, "Good show. Good show! I would believe you if I didn't know any better."

"What are you blathering on about?" I growl.

"Your acting performance of course!" She chortles.

I frown.

She rolls her eyes, "Come now. It's been several hours. You must have been told if you didn't know already. I've even said it twice."

"If I didn't know what already?"_ I am so very lost right now. She cannot possibly have been telling the truth._

She frowns, "I thought you were just being cautious before. In case I was working for Doyle. But you really don't know. Do you?"

"Don't know what?" I shout.

She sighs in frustration, "That Emily's is alive! Come on dearie, I've said it several times now. I didn't think you would be so slow on the uptake."

"You're lying!" I spit out angrily. _It's not true! It can't be true!_

"I am not!" she says indignantly.

I cross my arms, "Prove it."

She raises an eyebrow, "And just how would you like me to prove that Emily is alive?"

"Call her," I say determinedly.

She closes her eyes momentarily, "I can't, Emily is working. Let's try something else, ask me something only she would know."

I sigh, "What did she leave for me and where did she leave it?" _She can't possibly know the answer. I haven't told anyone where the letter was._

She runs a hand through her hair, "Emily left you the flat I found you in in her will but I assume you're talking about the letter she hid it in a pocket in your mattress. Now do you have any other questions to ask me so that I can prove that I'm telling the truth?"

_She's alive… She's alive! Wait a minute._ I frown, "Will you tell me what happened after she disappeared?" My stomach starts churning. _Maybe I will finally get some answers._

She frowns, "It isn't my place to tell you that."

"You said that you would answer any questions that I had," I remind her.

"Just about any question, but not that one," she states stubbornly.

"Fine." I grumble, "Who the fuck is Doyle?"

She looks gobsmacked, "How the bloody hell do you not know that Doyle is name of the piece of shit who very nearly succeeded in his fanatical desire to murder Emily?"

I now have a name to go with the blank face in my nightmares. It's all too much. I feel queasy, "Stop the car!"

She shakes her head, "No way kid."

I ignore the kid comment and insist, "I really need you to stop the car."

"I'm not going to stop the car, we're in the middle of a bloody motorway!" She gestures in front of us.

I gag, "I'm going to be sick. Pull over."

She's paying more attention to me now, "Sick what do you mean sick?"

"I mean I'm going to throw up. You know, puke, spew, vomit," I gag again.

"Alright, alright I get it. Hold on a moment, don't do it in the car!" She flicks on the turn signal and pulls over on the side of the highway.

* * *

"You feeling better?" she asks and hands me a water bottle.

I rinse my mouth thrice and nod. "Take me to her. Please?" I beg, "I don't care if Emily is working. You could take me to get Henry and then you bring the two of us to wherever she is."

She chuckles and speeds off, "I'm already doing that."

My jaw drops, "Wait she's back? She's at the-"

She interrupts me, "Yes."

I frown, "Alright, Who the hell are you?"

"Abigail Margaret Winter, Abby." She turns sideways and gives me an awkward half bow, "I was, am, always have and will be Emily's better half."

I narrow my eyes, "No fucking way."

She laughs raucously, "You're right, I'm not. I just wanted to see your reaction. I'm a friend of Emily's."

"Yes, you mentioned that," I huff. "Where and when did you meet her?"

Her lips twitch, "A long time ago."

I frown, "You're going to have to do better than that."

We stop at the gate. The guards check our IDs and let us through.

"We met at school in London when we were teenagers and then again at University," she answers fondly.

"Seriously?" _Does she know about Jessie?_

"Yes." She smiles, "We were roommates. You aren't exactly what I expected but I shouldn't be too surprised. Emily likes people with fire in their bellies."

I roll my eyes, but my heart is starting to thaw. _Emily is alive! And this person is the first real, tangible connection I've had to her (other than the letter) in seven months._

"We're only a few minutes away Catherine," Abby's voice brings me back to the present.

_I'm not quite ready to let her out of my sight just yet. _"I know..." I purse my lips, "Are you coming up or do you have someplace else to be?"

She sighs, "You don't have the authority to get me in the building, even with my identification."

I frown, "But the car?"

"It's a loaner from The Ambassador," Abby says distractedly.

"Does she know?" _She must know something._

Abby stops the car, "Now isn't the time Catherine. I have a few things to do but I'll be back."

"Abby-" I say.

She cuts me off, "Go. You have a very worried young man standing over there waiting for you."

I look out the window and sure enough there is Spencer. I lean back to grab my go-bag from the backseat, climb out of the car and shut the door. "Bye Abby," I whisper, "Thank you for the lift."

Abby unrolls the window, smiles at me and says; "Don't be too hard on Emily when you do see her okay? The separation has been horrible for her as well."

I nod, turn around and fly over into Spencer's extended arms.

He lifts me off the ground and kisses me gently. "Who was that?" he asks as we walk towards the building.

I squeeze his hand, "I'll tell you later Spence."

He kisses the top of my head and exclaims, "You're shivering!" Spencer pulls off his coat and wraps it around me. "Let's go inside," he says, continuing to steer me in that direction.

* * *

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.

- Dr. Seuss

* * *

AN2: Thank you for reading, please review :)

AN3: Please tell me you spotted the Harry Potter (Albus Dumbledore) quote as well as the one from Pirates of the Caribbean :)


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